BRIAN
I am sitting in the kitchen and reading the letter that my mother left me after death. She is telling me about my dad and how they met. At first, I did not want to read it but now it becomes even more interesting. It does not feel like it is my life or has anything to do with me. I carry on reading, wondering what is about to happen.
"...not long after we fell asleep. Two men burst through the door. Everything happened in slow motion. All I remember is lying on the floor with your dad on top of me, protecting me from these two men. I remember how he told me to just stay on the floor. I remember how I heard him crack their necks. When he came back he was full of blood and he started to dress himself. He told me that he needs to go..."
I am holding my breath now because I wonder what is going to happen. Is this even the truth? I do not know.
"...I remember how I got up shocked by what just happened and how I begged him not to go. But he gave me a kiss that I will never forget and that I never did. Then he said these words to me. "You must forget that you have ever met me and do not come looking for me. I think that we could have had a wonderful life together and I wish you all the joy that life can offer you."
I will never forget those words and I never did. These were the words that kept me going every day..."
I start to realize what kind of trauma my mother had to deal with. He must have been a great man if she could not be with any other man after him. I continue to read.
"...he left me and then my friend came back home. I was in shock, I remember how I looked at the bodies on the floor and we just ran out of the hotel. We just wanted to go home. But then I told my friend everything and I remember something that he mumbled in his delusional state when I nursed his wound. He said " no one can ever know who I am. No one will ever know who I am" then my friend told me about one of her family members that were working in the CIA and how they never knew that he worked for them until he was dead. The very next day she died in a hit and run..."
Now, I can definitely not read anymore. I do not know much about the CIA except nobody should know who is working for the CIA. What is my mother trying to tell me? I know that in the Navy they take secrecy very seriously and should you break that code you could be sentenced to death. I shake my head and then I read some more.
"...I do not realize what actually happened to my friend as we were in a foreign country and I was walking around on adrenaline. I remember calling her dad and mom and how they were hysterical. All I know is that I needed to come home. But then when I got home I realized, the man that I had a one-night stand with was probably important enough to kill for. I realized that nobody should know about him and me. I did not want to die and when I found out I was pregnant. I hid away from everyone. I isolated myself because I was afraid. I was afraid of what might happen to me and even you if they knew..."
"Fuck! What is going on?!"
I shake my head and now I want to know everything. It seems like I have been living a lie all my life.
"...I know I could have treated you better but somehow I blamed you. I blamed you for the loss of the man that changed my life. I blamed you because I had to hide away from everyone and everything I knew. I lived in fear and then I got mad because I saw what kind of a man you became. The little time that I spent with your dad was enough to tell me what kind of a man he was. He was a man of honor and then I looked at you, breaking every rule and I wish I could have told you about your dad..."
It feels as if my head wants to explode with all the information. I can not seem to wrap my head around it because it is too big for me. I know that I am a Captain in the Navy but right now, I am but only a boy. My mother never told me that she was disappointed in me but I could see it in her eyes. I stand up on the kitchen counter and walk outside the house. The house has suddenly become very small and is suffocating me.
I look up at the sky and I wish that this day has never happened. I wish I did not know all this that I know now. But then on the other hand I want to know what she knows. I open the letter again and I read it.
"...I loved you in the weird and twisted way that I did. I can only wish that this letter does not reach you too late. I was scared and filled with fear and I know that you do not have one nerve of fear inside you. You are definitely your dad's son and I have failed you. I want you to know that your dad was so important and had such honor inside his heart and I hope that you can find that honor inside you...
All my love,
Your mother"
I close the letter and hold it tight in my hand. I never knew that my mother was so afraid. I never knew that my father was so great. I watch the night filling the sky and I know I should go back inside but my entire life has been turned upside down and my reality has shifted.
LISA
As I walk through the doors of the tower, I realize that I do not have a pilot today. I know that now I will be treated as one of the slaves again, jumping from one pilot to the other. Luckily, for me but not lucky for the other air controller, someone is off sick today and I get to work with their pilot. So, I will stay with one pilot.
The day goes by slowly and I make my way to the mess hall for lunch. The new pilot is very friendly and does everything according to the rules. I thought that I would like to have somebody that plays by the rules but somehow I miss that voice in my ear. I wish I know where Captain Smith went and just as I take a seat at the table I get a text message.
"I know the reason for Captain Smith's dismissal. His mother passed away. He should be back in three days. Be safe"
I do not know why my heart immediately goes out to Captain Smith. I barely know the guy but for some reason, I feel sad for him. I start to wonder what the implications will be when he comes back. I know as a psychiatrist with lots of experience if you do not talk about your heartbreaks, things will spin out of control. If he does not deal with this grief, my father will definitely get what he wants.
There will then be many reasons for him to be dismissed being mentally unstable but I can also look at the flip side and write it off to his mother passing away. I find myself caught between my dad and Captain Smith. I can not let this might play out in my dad's favor because then I will not be a psychiatrist's worth.
I focus back on the food that I am supposed to eat and then I can not help but roam through the room with my eyes looking for that man I saw in the gym. I would not mind glancing at him again but to my utter disappointment, I can not find him. I guess it is all for the better because I am with Steve. Why is it that I have to remind myself about him every time?
I finish my food and then I make my way back to the Tower and I have to do it as slowly as possible because my foot is killing me.
BRIAN
I finally found the courage to go back into my house and start packing up some of my mother's stuff. I got a few calls from the mortuary and hospital. There were many things I had to organize. Everything just happens in a fog. I do not remember sleeping or standing up.
I do not even remember talking to anyone. All I know is that I had three days and then I had to get back. The words of the letter keep playing through my mind and that is the only thing that I remember. I do not even remember putting the house up for sale and going to the funeral.
I do remember that there weren't a lot of people and then the words of the letter played in my mind again. She had to hide away from anyone she knew. This made me wonder whether I had a grandmother or grandfather. I wonder if my dad is still alive?
I wonder if I should look for him? But it is clear to me that there was a good reason why my mother was so afraid. I stand on the edge of the yard with my suitcase in my hand. I do not want anything. I put everything up for sale. I did not really know this woman. Then I am shaken back into reality with the cab that is hooting for my attention.
I turn around and put my suitcase in the back and then get into the car.
"Where to?"
It is strange how two simple words like that can make me shake inside. I have nothing to go to. I have no one to go to. I am all alone in this world. I know that I am all grown up and a Navy Captain but somehow I do not feel like one today.