I know that people often believe that as a man of the cloth, I am supposed to always feel mercy, compassion, and maybe even a sense of connection with my parishioners, but the truth is that I am as human, as flawed, and as imperfect as any other person. It is true, I do have a good relationship with most people I meet, I like them in general and I do often feel these things towards others, and in general, despite knowing my failures, I always believed myself to be a good man and a good priest. Also, people often wonder about my faith, about my relationship with God and the reason why I chose priesthood, instead of getting married, or choosing any other way of life. What I usually tell them, is what I feel; I love God with all my heart and soul, I chose priesthood because I believe with all my being that I was called by Him to this life and I have always wanted to do His bidding. That's what I always believed and thought about myself. However, I never counted on the challenge that God would set up in my path, and the mirror through which He would make me see myself, my calling, and Him, for the very first time.
December 24th, 2017, St Joseph's Parish, Chicago, The Rectory.
There is a light tapping against my door and I look up, feeling a bit annoyed at the interruption, as I am most concentrated trying to prepare for my sermon at Mass, later that day.
"Yes?" I ask the person at the other end, trying to control my slightly frayed temper.
"Father Gregor, I am so sorry, but I have Mrs. Summers over at the office and she insists on talking to you right away," my parish assistant, Sandy, says softly from the small crack on the door through which her head has poked.
I sigh heavily and close my eyes, pinching my nose with my fingers. What did that woman want now? After so many sessions with me, moments that I could have used for much more profitable purposes, and which were lost due to the woman's constant stubbornness, why did she want to meet again, or talk to me, when she had been clear that she did not see the usefulness at all?
"Sandy, did you tell her that I am a bit busy and that I have a really important Mass to prepare for?" I ask my assistant softly after opening my eyes and looking at her. The woman looks apologetically at me.
"Yes, sir, I did. But she says it's urgent and it cannot wait," Sandy replies.
I sigh once again. "All right, let her in, but please, try to help me make it short by reminding her that I have other matters to attend to?"
"I will, Father, thank you," responds Sandy as she retires and closes the door behind her softly.
A few minutes pass, and suddenly, my door opens to reveal the very woman who has always challenged any good feelings or thoughts that I may have towards people. Her face, as usual, was that of someone who evidently did not want to be here, her posture and demeanor told me that she did not seem very convinced that she had done the right thing by showing at my door and her eyes, which as far as color went were very expressive and spectacularly light blue, had a mixture of emotions going through them that confused me. What was she up to now? I couldn't help but wonder.
"Emily, good afternoon, to what do I owe this pleasure?" I said to her as I pointed towards a chair before my desk.
Emily looked at me as if she were just figuring that I was truly there, and her eyes hardened immediately, hiding that whirlwind of emotions that I had glimpsed earlier.
"Father Gregor, I am so sorry to interrupt your work. I will not be here very long, I just wanted to ask you something, if I may," Emily said to me, softly, as if she weren't sure about what she was about to do.
Once again, I pointed to the chair before my desk and as Emily took a seat, I crossed my fingers and prepared myself for this one; nothing good ever came from Emily's questions, because it was evident that she did not want the answers that I would give; or believed them for that matter. However, it was my duty to be there for my parishioners, no matter if I liked them or not.
"Go ahead Emily, I am all ears," I said.
"Father, what makes life worth living it? What is the purpose of life?"
My eyebrows went up in response, but my mind was already screaming against the woman; again? She had asked me this several times before and she had never accepted my answers! So why should I waste my time!
"I have told you this before, and I will give you the answer again, Emily; love, happiness, the good moments with your family, your career and economic success, the love that your family has for you, your friends, the love of God, most especially. These are all reasons that make life worth living. And as to the purpose? We are here to fight our way back to our Lord, and in the process, we help others to reach that same goal."
"But what if we are all alone in this world, just the result of physical and chemical events, and there is nothing beyond this earth? Then why would life be worth living at all?"
Something about what I saw behind the hard exterior of Emily's eyes scared me. What was that blackness, that emptiness, that I could perceive?
"What are you getting at, Emily?" I asked her slowly, trying to balance my growing concerns, with my irritation with the woman.
But she released a sigh, collected her handbag, which had been placed on her lap and stood from her seat. Right before leaving she turned to me and said: "Please pay no heed to me Father, I am just being silly. You know me. After all, we are all alone and this is all we have." After that, she walked out and closed the door.
After December 24th, 2017.
For many days I have wondered and wondered about the last words uttered by my parishioner. At first, I was concerned, and I even felt the need to call her back and dig deeper. But something came over me after some consideration and I remembered that Emily had made those remarks over and over again in the past. So why get worried over nothing? The woman was just plain selfish, egocentric and discontent with her life, despite all she had received. And so, I just put all of it in the back of my mind and continued with my usual work.
January 6th, 2018, St. Joseph's Parish, Chicago, Parish House.
Thank goodness that the festivities are all over and I can take some time for myself and the New Year retreat was a total success. I am now at home, enjoying my time, which comes only because most of my parishioners are on vacation. But this will only last till tomorrow, since on Sunday there will be Mass and today's evening Mass will be celebrated by another priest who agreed to help me. So, I was lazily reclining in front of a nice, warm fire, enjoying a cup of coffee, when suddenly, my phone began to ring. I look at the offending machine and think about not answering it, but in the end, I do it because my sense of duty is too high. I wish I hadn't though.
"Hello? Father Gregor speaking."
I hear harsh breathing on the other end, sniffling, and suddenly, the whimpering coming from a crying man. For some reason, I am able to guess immediately who that voice belongs to and my insides freeze.
"Jamie? Is that you, my friend?" I ask hesitantly.
The man releases a sob as he answers. "Father Gregor, please, please, please, could you come to St. Jude's Hospital? My wife... Emily.... she is in critical condition Father, and the doctors think she might not make it through the night. My children, Sam and Brian are here with me and we really could use your company?" the man could not stop crying. I felt as if someone had punched a hole through my gut, and that one conversation with Emily came rushing back to me in a gigantic wave.
"What happened, Jamie?" I cannot help but ask as I rush to grab a coat, take my car keys and rush into the frozen pathway that leads to the street where my car is parked.
"She jumped from a cliff, Father. We were on vacation at Starved Rock State Park, and it is really a miracle that we found her. I don´t know what happened but it was my daughter Sam who became aware of Emily´s absence. I thought nothing of it at first, but when she made me realize that it was really late and getting cold, I got concerned. Then with a team of rescuers, we finally found her. She threw herself off and by some miracle, she was not washed away by the rushing river. Oh goodness, there are just too many things that happened that I need to talk to you about, things that happened at that rescue, and later, but I do not wish to extend over the phone. Please, Father, I need your help!" Jamie said as he released another sharp sob.
"I'll be there as soon as possible, Jamie," I said as I started the car.
A long drive awaited me, so before leaving I called my assistant, Sandy, and asked her to contact Father Mitchell so he would take over for me while I was away on an emergency with a parishioner.
I ended the call and began my mad dash toward St. Jude's and as I drove, I couldn't help it. I felt terrible anger rising against Emily for what she had done. What the heck was wrong with that woman? How could she have done something like this? Did she have no compassion, no care, no love, or any consideration for anyone but herself?
January 6th, 2018, St. Jude's Hospital, Chicago
When I finally reached the hospital, and as I was moving through it, trying to find the ICU waiting room where the Summers were, many ideas suddenly came upon me, and emotions rushed through me. However, none of them included compassion. Yes, I was a man of the cloth, called by Christ to love and serve and give, and all that, but this? This went against everything. What Emily had done, was to turn her back on everything and everyone, including God Himself, and she did not deserve to be understood or be pitied. It was a simple matter for me.
I had to take several deep breaths because I knew that I would have to help Jamie, his children, and both Emily´s and Jamie´s parents face this hardship. But as far as Emily went, I felt not an inch of sympathy. To me, she had done something that was unforgivable and incomprehensible.
And when I finally found the place, entered, and observed the sight that met me, this only intensified my feelings towards that woman even more. I really needed to rein myself in if I wanted to do what God demanded of me.
There was no sign of either the children, or of Jamie´s and Emily´s parents. However, I did not ponder on this absence for log because I was hit full-force by the sight of Jamie Summers - a man who had always been full of life, of laughter, of love to give, of kindness and goodness, and especially of faith – but who now looked as if he had been sent to walk through hell itself.
He had been standing all alone, looking out the huge panoramic windows, evidently staring in thought at the rising sun, completely oblivious to everything, until I gave the frame a soft tap. At that, he turned around fast, and looked me in the eyes, and when he did, I felt as if someone had punched me in the chest. What words could I have used to describe the pain, the regret, the remorse, the utter desperation, and even the anger, that was coursing through that man's entire being?
However, during the few seconds that the two of us stared at each other, I caught a glimpse of a spark, something bright and strong that refused to give in to the hell he was going through, and I couldn´t help but remember what he had told me on the phone, about some miracle, or something. What else had this poor man seen that would be powerful enough, strong enough, to help him battle the darkness that attempted to swallow him?
Suddenly, as if he had been set on fire by the mere sight of me, as if I were the answer to all his prayers, the man moved as fast as a lightning strike and took me into an embrace, that I soon returned.
I don´t know what happened inside me at that instance, but there was an aura, something that was pure, strong, cleansing, and warm emanating from Jamie, and when it came into contact with me, with my soul, it forced out my dark and judgmental thoughts and forced me to open up the doors of empathy and mercy. It was then that I was able to finally control my emotions towards Emily and become the priest, the man of God, I was called to be.
"I don't know what happened Father," were Jamie´s first words to me, once we moved apart, and I led him towards the set of sofas, where we sat. I placed my hand on his shoulder and simply allowed him to talk. "What is it that I did so wrong? Where did I miss the signs? How could this have happened? I thought she was happy, so, where did I miss the turn?" Jamie asked me without looking up at me, tears dripping from his already puffy eyes.
I took a deep breath and pushed back against my human nature, which continued to fight against the man of God. As the battle was carried out inside me, I could not help but start becoming aware of the weakness that was my human soul. Because despite the beautiful, and life-changing event I had experienced only a mere moment ago, my proud self continued to tell me I needed to judge and condemn. At that moment, I had never felt more like the flawed human being that I was. I could only call on the Holy Spirit and His power right now to guide me through this.
"This is not your fault Jamie or your children's fault. Sometimes people do crazy things pushed by inner demons and feelings that others never know about. There are those who are really good at hiding their true emotions and showing the world only what they think the world wants to see. How could you have known? How could anyone, for that matter, have known?"
Jamie looked at me, and once again, I felt like I had been punched.
"I need to get her back Father; I cannot lose her. Please, you must beg God to forgive her and give her back to me. I just... I just need a chance to understand and make things right. There must have been something that I missed, something that I can fix so that she wants to stay with me. I love her so much and I just... I can't think of a life without her."
Jamie told me a lot more while we were there alone, he told me about his encounter with a man called Abraham, but I just could not understand, or wrap my mind around what he had been telling me, so I simply told him I could not give an answer as to who this Abraham man had been, but that I would think about it. And we had been talking about some questions Jamie had about God´s involvement in what Emily had done, when we were interrupted by a tap.
A surgeon by the looks of his apparel, with a kind-hearted face, called on Jamie from the door, and just as they were shaking hands and we learned that his name was Dr. Phillips and that he had been one of the many doctors who had had to work to save Emily´s life, the rest of the family arrived. Samantha and Brian came rushing to me and embraced me, just as their father had done, and then, I stood and shook the hands of the two fathers, kissed the cheek of Jamie´s mother, and then simply took Sophie, Emily´s mother in my arms. If there was anyone, besides Jamie, who could be suffering enormously at this time, was Sophie. And something also told me she, and Stefan, both knew the truth about what had happened.
When the greetings and acknowledgments were over, we all sat to listen to what Dr. Phillips had to tell us, and it was disheartening to say the least. However, I felt warmth towards the nice doctor who not only took the time to slowly explain what had happened inside the operating room, and also prepare the family for what was about to happen, and what they would see.
Jamie lost control over himself, and he would have caused himself harm if Dr. Phillips and I, who seemed to have been connected by something, because we both acted and reacted in the same way, intervened immediately. When I saw that Jamie was not capable of talking anymore, I presented myself to the doctor and asked if it was okay for me to also be allowed to be with them at this hard time. The doctor said it would be more beneficial than anything to have spiritual support, so he authorized my presence as if I were a part of the family. I was very grateful to him for that.
Then, and because I knew that this would be very important for Jamie, his children, and especially Emily´s family, I asked, "Dr. Phillips, as you are now aware, this is a Catholic family, and when we have someone who is in such critical need, we have a Sacrament, called the Anointing of the Sick, that will help both Emily and her family. Could we be allowed to carry out this ceremony?"
The doctor looked at me first, and then at the large group. He thought things over for a moment, but evidently, he was a man of faith himself, and decided that at this point, Emily would need all the help she could get.
"I do not have a problem with this, but I think it would be better to leave it for a later time, maybe a few days. We need to ensure she is stable, and while I know you will ensure absolute sterility, her body is not strong enough today to stand any kind of stress. Would that be okay? To delay it just a mere two days at most?"
I looked around at the family. I was not opposed at all, and I thought it was a logical proposal, but I wanted to do what the family thought was best for their loved one. They agreed that delaying the ceremony would be the best idea.
Once that discussion was done, Dr. Phillips asked us all if we were ready, reminded us about the sight we would be soon confronted with, and then began to lead us inside the ward.
We moved through very long halls filled with rooms, computer terminals, and healthcare workers who, at the sight of us, began to murmur between one another, and I knew they knew exactly who we were here to see.
At long last, we reached the main nurses´ station, Dr. Phillips presented us all to the head nurses and the managers and informed them of the authorizations we had been given. Then, we turned, and the doctor placed himself below the infrared light that activated the sliding doors to Emily´s unit, and it was then that we were hit by the awful reality.
As I walked into that ICU room, all dressed in blue garments and with my priestly clothing underneath, and I looked down on the woman who was almost unrecognizable as she was covered all over with tubes, monitors, feeding and breathing machines, gauze, tape, and other such things, I couldn't help but feel that very human but wrongful part of me again surging forth and passing judgment on her. After all, she had made the choice, and she had put her family to suffer, so she deserved this, not anyone´s pity or help, much less God´s.
However, as soon as those black, bad emotions, darkened my mind and heart, I became aware of sobbing and sniffing, and when I turned to look at Jamie and his family, a very deep sense of shame, and regret over my lack of empathy and mercy overcame me. And then, I heard a soft but firm voice inside me that said, "do not judge, unless you too want to be judged".
Those words brought forth a lot of memories of myself, and as soon as I realized what both the memories and the words meant, who had said them, my sense of shame increased. Here I was, condemning Emily for something, not even giving her a chance, while I had been given many. Who was I to judge or condemn?
With that strong reminder, I understood that God Himself had intervened and was ordering the priest to replace the flawed human man, and so I did. Who was I to say no to God?
I returned my attention to the situation before me and this time, when I looked at Emily, I saw her in a new light. And when I did, something I had not expected, something that I did not tell anyone but kept quiet to ponder on later in my chapel, happened.
I had walked closer to where Emily´s bandaged hand was lying on the bed, and I had taken it gently inside mine without even thinking about it, when suddenly I felt as if the lights had been turned off inside me. I literally could not see for a moment, or hear anything, except the pounding of a heart, and the cries of terror of a woman who was pleading for help, for someone to help her. It was evident that she was scared, overcome by the darkness around her, and she was pleading or more like challenging God to prove Himself to her. And then, I heard voices calling out to her, and soon after that, I saw a very bright and strong flash of light.
I was brought back from what I now knew had been a vision of Emily´s state now, granted by God to me because I had obeyed His command, by Dr. Phillip´s gentle tap on my shoulder. I looked up at the man, and realized that not only he, but the others as well, had noticed that something had happened to me when I had touched Emily. The questioning came, as expected, but I somehow knew that this experience had been meant for me alone, for some reason. And so, I refused to answer.
Instead, I told them that I would bless Emily while we could perform the Anointing and ask God for His intervention. This calmed everyone down, but it left more unasked questions than it dissipated. They all knew something had happened, but they also understood it was either not meant for them to know, or it would be known later.
Once we were done with the blessing, and because of Dr. Phillip´s conditions, Jamie, Samantha, Brian, Emily´s and Jamie´s parents began to walk out of the room. As they did, each one gave Emily's forehead a small kiss, shed some tears that fell on her skin, and then moved out of the room. After having asked permission from Jamie, I remained and approached the hospital bed.
"I now know you did not mean to cause this pain, and I know that you are in the path of healing. I know Emily that He will help you, and I pray that He will be able to pull you out from that darkness from which I was unable to remove you. Hang in there Emily, fight, and let Him act. I pray to God, I can assist you in some way. But I promise this; I will protect and help your family."
I then turned and left the room with my heart and soul filled with a sudden fire I could not put out. Somehow, I knew that today, Emily and I had been linked in spirit, and although I did not fully understand why, I felt the urge to allow myself to be carried. Why I had been called to this, and not her family, I did not know, but I was sure God had a really good reason for it. And I was willing to hand myself in the caring hands of my Lord. What would come out of this for me? I did not know. But I sure wished to find out.
Not much later, I left the family with the promise of returning soon. And when I got home, I suddenly became overcome with the desire to bring out the Holy Sacrament and spend some time with Him to reflect on what I had experienced today.
However, I got a bit of a shock when, as I entered the chapel, I was met by a young man who was standing right before the Tabernacle, with his back to me.
My first reaction, of course, had been to inform him that we were closed, but that he would be welcome anytime between 4 am till 10 pm every day.
However, my thoughts, my intentions and even my entire body became frozen when the man turned around to face me, and moved to the side to reveal an open, and now empty Tabernacle. Without any effort on my part, feeling suddenly enlightened, I understood immediately who was standing right before my eyes.
My heart began to pound wildly inside my chest, and my eyes could hardly give credit to what I was witnessing. How could this be possible?
The man, my most beloved Lord, smiled tenderly at me, and gently moving towards me, asked me to take a seat on one of the pews. I did as He requested instantly, as in any case my body had lost all its strength. And on top of it all, I had become completely mute.
He took a sit right next to me, and said, "My dear son, I know this is both a shock and unexpected visit, but the reason for it is that I need to ask something from you."
Turning bright scarlet, and bringing my head down, not even daring to look this most Holy man in the eyes, I asked timidly, "What could my God and my Lord wish of a lowly man like me?"
"I wish a lot more than you could ever think Gregor. But in all honesty, I have come to invite you on a journey, one that will alter your life, one that will open your eyes about the suffering of others, one that will challenge you and help you become the man and priest I chose as one of my beloved pastors through self-knowledge, and through the understanding of others.
"It will be hard, but it will also help you and one other, the answers you seek."
"I´m sorry, my Lord, but what do you mean by that? If I may ask?"
"I wish for you to experience with Emily, in spirit, her journey of self-discovery and of healing. This will also help you understand yourself, mature as a priest and man. You will see and experience all she does, and at some point, you too will have to experience your own journey. You both will, in the process, receive a very unique gift, a knowledge of Me that few have received, as well as the knowledge of a world that has decided to forget about Me. Once it is over, you will tell the world what you have and will see, so that the world knows and remembers Me."
"How will this be, My Lord? How will this happen? How will we transmit this to the world?" I asked softly, hoping He would not be irritated by my questioning. However, when I dared to look at Him, He was already standing and walking back towards the Tabernacle, and when he was finally in front of it, He turned to me.
"You will come to this chapel ever night and before the Holy Sacrament, and while you pray, your soul will be elevated towards Emily´s. You will live through her all that she will experience, and you will be entrusted with writing it down. This journal must not be shown to anyone until I say so. And then, when the time is right, you too will go on a short journey of your own, and Emily will be there with you."
"My Lord," I said as Jesus turned towards the Tabernacle, will Emily live? Am I dreaming all this?"
The Lord smiled at me and said, "Emily´s end of the journey I cannot yet reveal but most will depend on her decision. As for whether you are dreaming or not, I leave it to your faith and trust in Me to decide. You too are free to choose to believe and to do this."
After having said that His body dissipated and I found myself before a closed Tabernacle. I went to open it and check it, and I found that all was as I had left it earlier today.
I think my choice was made by my heart and soul even before my mind registered it. Without a doubt, I responded. "Yes, I trust in you, I accept this Journey of Life.