JAMIE
I had been sitting in this small and private waiting room for hours now without having moved more than a few inches and that only to ease my aching limbs and back. There was simply no reason for me to move and I honestly had absolutely no energy to speak of. I guess life had been sucked out of me the moment I became aware that my wife had attempted to take her life. Or maybe what had sucked everything out of me was the sight of her mangled body strewn along those jagged rocks as if she were a piece of clothing that has been blown by the wind. Whatever it had been, I was but a specter of who I had once been.
Pain. Pain had become my constant every waking moment and sometimes it was so sharp that I would wake up – when I was able to catch a few hours of sleep – feeling out of breath, as if someone were strangling me. This pain was relentless and no matter what I did to try to ease it, it just wouldn´t budge.
My parents and Emily´s parents had been kind enough to take my kids for the day and so I found myself alone in this godforsaken hospital room – I know, I was being very ungrateful when we had been given every consideration and comfort that was possible - sunk again in my relentless hole. And God if it was dark. In fact, it had been quite some time since I had felt like there was light in the world and I know that some people might think I was being overdramatic, but you try surviving and being cheerful when the most important person in your life decided that your love for her was not enough to help her carry on her difficulties, that she had not trusted me enough to tell me what had been going on with her and that it was better for her to try to take her life. Try being cheerful when you had spent hours of terror looking for her only to find her basically dead at the bottom of what should have been an almost idyllic spot. Try being cheerful when you have to see your kids go downhill after that horrible experience.
Feeling overwhelmed by my less-than-nice thoughts, feeling overwhelmed by the tsunami of opposing emotions, I bent over in half, placing my arms over my legs while I tried to bring a semblance of control by breathing deeply and slowly. I had to do these exercises that the hospital psychiatrist had given me to deal with the stress and the anger at least twice a day and sometimes it was the only thing that kept me from going down the deep end.
Why? Why had Emily done what she had? Why hadn´t she confided in me, allowed me into her pain, so that I could have helped her? Why did I have to find out only now that she had been in veritable hell for who knew how long? What had I missed throughout our years together that had led me to ignore such a terrible fact? Did she even think about me once, or our children for that matter, before making her choice? Was I not good enough to stay with? Was I not enough to combat sadness?
Tears sprang forth to my eyes at these neverending questions while my fists squeezed. This is what I had become; a man who lived his life on opposing ends of the emotional spectrum and who wondered if he would be able to survive the possible loss of his wife.
Not too long ago, the hospital manager had come into this very room with one of Emily´s doctors – I could not remember either of their names – to tell me that despite the almost miraculous recovery Emily had had previously, her body had begun to deteriorate again due to its lack of activity and they wanted me to be prepared for the worst case scenario. They also talked about the possibility of moving Emily to a long-term care facility but since she was still in critical condition, they knew this would only be possible if she improved once more.
Feeling as if I had aged a million years, I stood from my chair and slowly made my way out of the waiting room and towards my wife´s ward. As I walked, people either looked at me with open shock – I guess I must have looked a fright – or those who worked in this hospital and had come to know me looked at me with pity in their eyes. The nurses, the aides, and the staff in general, of the ICU, knew of the pain and despair I had had to face and there wasn´t one who did not try to make my life as simple as possible, which is why they now barely questioned me when I moved towards where my wife lay.
I finally came to face the sliding door to my wife´s unit and I stared up at the blinking red light on top that indicated the room could be visited. The door finally slid open and I walked inside and moved towards the hook where the gowns were. I dressed fast and then began the torturous walk to her bedside.
And there she laid, just as she had for the past several days, or was it months? I was not sure anymore. Her skin was pale as bone from the lack of sunlight so it was certainly a while.
I looked at her peaceful face and the myriad of machines hooked to her and a sob emerged from deep within me. How? How did it come to this? The sobs continued and became more frequent and I plummeted towards the padded chair next to her bed.
"Why?" I sobbed. "Just please tell me why my love. How did I miss something so important? Why was I not enough? Why couldn´t you count on me? I gave you all I had, every single bit of me I had to give, and you… So why wasn´t it enough? Why didn´t you lean on me?"
I was met with the whirring of the machines and the beeping of her monitor but little else.
"I feel so alone without you, my love," I hiccuped as more sobs came from inside me. "I feel as if life had been taken away from me and I cannot make sense of this life without you in it. So please, please… Emily, wherever you are, if you can hear me, please, come back to me." Again, nothing came back.
"I forgive you, my love," I whispered as the sobs subsided. "I freaking forgive you but please, come back so I can tell you how much I love you and how I wish to start fresh with you. I do not care about what you did; I only care about turning a new leaf. So please, let me do that."
But I was alone in my pain and in my suffering even if many people told me I was never alone. The truth was I felt alone and abandoned. I knew I had my children, my parents and in-laws and I had friends but the truth was that I felt as if all connection had been severed from them. Sometimes, I had to force myself to even attempt a smile and my own kids had told me once to stop trying.
I was worried sick about Sam and Brian – more Brian than Sam to be honest – because I could see how this was affecting them but no matter how hard I tried I just couldn´t gather the energy to do more than the bare minimum.
"Where are you?" I suddenly asked as I looked out of Emily´s window and towards the darkening sky. "Why have you abandoned us?" I asked again of the night sky even though my heart knew who I was directing these demands to. "You abandoned her and now you abandoned me and my children!"
My angry outburst was met by yet more silence.
"You know what? Maybe Emily was right all these years and you do not exist. I have been drilling your existence into my children´s brains and I have fought Emily over this but now I see what she meant. If this is how you treat those who believe in you, if all we can count on is more pain, then we are better off without you," I said as my face planted against Emily´s outstretched and unmoving arm.
After spending another fifteen minutes crying against my wife´s arm I stood from my lonesome place, went to the hook, and took off my suit. After exiting the ICU, I began the trek I had grown accustomed to doing during the night hours through the brightly lit hallways of the hospital. I did not know where I was going and I had no place in mind so I just let my feet take me where they would.
I passed the night personnel and those who knew me greeted me kindly. I also passed family members who were starting to make their way out of the hospital as the visiting hours would end pretty soon. I too had to go in a few but while they kicked me out, I had nowhere better to be than here. So, my feet continued dragging me down the hallways.
In the end, I found myself inside the cafeteria and as if it were an afterthought, I realized I had not eaten anything since the morning. So, like a robot, knowing I could not get sick myself, I went to the line and bought myself some dinner then walked towards a table near huge windows. I ate without even realizing what I had bought and to be honest my senses did not aid me in learning what I was eating either. I think my entire being was as numb as my heart was. That was the best term to describe me; numb.
I spent a few more moments looking out of the windows while I finished my coffee but when I was finished with that I stood up, went to leave my tray, and then moved out, ready to make my way to Emily´s unit once more so I could say goodbye to her and the staff.
I had been thus shuffling down the same hallway when my head turned to my left and I found myself staring at the doors that led to the small chapel. Looking at my watch I realized I still had about forty-five minutes left and I entered.
The place was darkened except for a few candles and soft lights and since this was a Catholic hospital, at the very end, where the altar was, stood the Tabernacle. I walked to the very front pew and I dumped my sorry self into it. Tears rose to my eyes once more and I found myself crying again.
"Where are you? Please tell me, where are you? Where were you when Emily needed you? Why would you let her do something like this? What kind of loving God would let His children lose their lives, or go through so much pain as she did, and as I am doing now? Tell me, please, tell me!" I sobbed.
"You do not love us, because if you did you would help us through such tough times. You would care that we are in pain, that we are suffering and you would help us overcome our difficulties. But you do not do that."
I spent at least 5 minutes crying like a bawling baby and by the end of it, I felt so overcome by exhaustion that I simply laid down on the bench and assumed a fetal position. Tears continued to slide from my eyes but at least the sobs had subsided.
My eyes suddenly began to feel heavy and I decided to close them up for a bit. After all, I still had some time, and I was feeling a strange peace stealing through me. I fell asleep in a matter of seconds… and I dreamed.
I stood inside a small and very old church that was built out of stone and that was dark except for the small candles that were shining near the altar. That and the Tabernacle lantern that was on. I began to turn around on my axis to try and make out more of the place but no matter how hard I tried, I could not see anything; everything was in darkness. I could at most see the first pew, but that was about it. However, I did not feel afraid.
I returned my eyes towards the front and I came face to face with the beautiful Tabernacle that stood towards the back of the altar, raised, and under an equally beautiful and very ancient Jesus on the Cross. My eyes were completely taken with the Cross and I found myself feeling overcome with a burning inside my chest that I could not understand. But as I looked more and more at the figure of Christ on that Cross, the look of pain and sadness that was etched on His face, the more something uncomfortable rose within me.
And then, I heard the Tabernacle suddenly opening and to my shock, when I looked down at it to see if maybe someone had come in without my noticing it, I saw that there was no one here. But there was no mistake, the door had opened on its own, and within I saw a chalice filled with what I could tell was the Body of Christ.
My eyes dropped down immediately toward the ground because no matter how angry I may be with God, there was no chance I could ever feel bold enough to stare at Christ´s blessed Body without showing reverence. That was just not me.
"Look up," I heard a voice echoing from the altar and my eyes rose to see fire bursting around the chalice with the Holy Body. At first, I became worried about the flames and prepared myself to rush over to put them out. However, I paused when I realized that the conflagration was not consuming the chalice or harming either the Body or the Tabernacle. What was even more shocking was that it was not spreading anywhere. Then, as if a wind were twirling the flames into a funnel, they circled the top of the chalice and suddenly burst to form a firebird who took flight towards me. I became frightened and ducked but the magnificent image simply circled me once and then moved upwards to reach the Cross and disappear when it came into contact with the side-wound of Christ.
"What is it that you seek here?" I suddenly heard from next to me and startled, I jumped a bit when I saw a man standing right next to me. He too was staring up at the Cross.
I was speechless for several moments, unable to say anything. Who was this person? How had he come in, when had he come in, where did he come from? How could he be inside my dream?
"Do not be afraid," the man said as he stared at me with a gentle smile. "I am exactly who you think I am. I have come here because you called on me, remember?"
"Are you… are you… it cannot be, right? I am dreaming so this must be a part of my imagination," I chuckled, trying to laugh the matter off.
"It can be, my son, it really can. And why should a dream be any less real? Didn´t I speak to many through dreams? You called me and I answered. I induced your dream so you could be free from some of the pain but this is no less real than if I had showed myself while you were awake."
I could not yet comprehend what I was hearing and seeing. How could this be possible? And He had come to me because I had called on Him?
He chuckled softly and said: "Yes, I came because you called on me. Why wouldn´t I come when my son needs me?"
"Are… are you… God?" I asked even though I knew the question was dumb and pointless. Somewhere in me, I knew He was. The man did not respond with words but with a chuckle and a nod.
"So… which one… are You?"
"You encountered me already once, don´t you remember? When we found your beloved wife Emily? You can call me by the name I gave you then or you can call me Father, if you prefer. I am both."
My mouth dropped open in shock. It was at that moment that my eyes caught the man´s features and my memory connected with the man I had once encountered; Abraham.
"You… you are Abraham? And you are also the Father?" I said while I sought a place to sit because my legs could not carry my weight. That´s how shocked I was.
"I AM, yes, that is exactly who I am. And yes, I came here in response to your plea. I want you to know I heard you and even though I cannot remove all your pain I am here to listen and to share the burden with you. I am also here to answer your questions if you have them for me."
I looked at the man´s gentle and welcoming face, His gentle features, and I immediately felt at ease. This was not a man who had come here to judge or point fingers but someone who genuinely wanted to help. So, I took a deep breath and allowed my mouth to run freely before my brain caught up with it.
"Why didn´t You do anything to stop what my wife did? Why didn´t You intervene?" I asked as I looked at the man with tears in my eyes.
He did not respond right away but first studied my features with gentle eyes. I did not see pity in those eyes but an empathy that surpassed all I knew. What He was going to say I knew He was going to say it from the heart.
"Jamie," He started as He released a sigh. "You know from your catechesis that man was created free, right?" I nodded. "How do you know I did not intervene or that I did not try to stop her? But even despite what I tried to do, she used her free will to make her choice. Do you think I wanted her to jump? Don´t you think I would have given everything in me to stop her at that moment? I called out to her, moved her heart, sent all types of memories and emotions her way to try to sway her."
"Here´s the deal with human will, my son," Abraham continued as He took my hand in His. "Not even I can remove it. And I know you will say that I am God, therefore I can do anything. Because although technically that is true, I am God therefore I am omnipotent, it is equally true that because of what I am I cannot go against free will."
"What you are?" I asked, now interested in what He was telling me.
"Yes. You see, I am Love itself and Love always seeks the good of the loved one, right? There cannot be love in a relationship if that relationship has been born from control and a denial of free choice. I could not have a relationship with Emily, or you, or anyone else for that matter if that relationship were formed over the basis of my forcing things on you. So, for example, because I am God, I could force you to love me, right? However, if I did that, then that love would not be true, it would not be real. In fact, it would be domination but never love. Because I love Emily with all my being and I do not establish a relationship based on domination I had to allow her to choose freely. And trust me when I say I sent her absolutely everything I could think of to dissuade her but she had her mind made up."
"But why didn´t you intervene? Couldn´t you have done something to prevent her from jumping? Or maybe, couldn´t you have alerted me somehow?"
Abraham took a deep breath and then released it slowly.
"Let me start with the last question. Think about it, Jamie, didn´t one of your kids raise the alarm about your wife? One of them told you they were worried that she had not returned but you decided to just give her some space, remember? Could I force you? No, for the same reason, I could not force Emily. And then, why couldn´t I intervene? Again think about it, Jamie. Didn´t I? Do you truly believe it?"
"Emily should have died when she fell and that river should have washed her away. But instead, she fell in such a way that the cold temperature of the water prevented her from bleeding out in minutes, am I right? So, you see, even when my intervention is not so clear-cut or easily identifiable, I am always seeking ways to help my children and save them. Sometimes, death is the answer to someone´s suffering but you guys think it is a punishment. Sometimes, the pain a person suffers, as cruel as it is, allows that person to become prepared for the afterlife. Does that answer the next question you will raise, why do people suffer? No, it does not but it helps shed some light."
"So why suffer? Why make us suffer?" I asked.
"I did not create suffering and I do not make anyone suffer. Remember, suffering is the result of a choice made by mankind once. You wanted to have the freedom to choose what was right and what was wrong, remember? The thing is you forgot that no matter how smart you are because of your physicality, you are limited by it, and therefore you cannot have the full picture. You cannot see what was, what is, and much less what will be. So, more often than not, your decisions will depend on your capacities and your limited knowledge. This in itself poses a problem when choosing wisely."
"But there is another reason. Just as your intelligence is limited by what you can know with your senses and logic, so is your love. You see, human beings can only love in a limited way. This love was enhanced once when it was connected to the true source of Love, which is God, but when you all chose to break away from that source, your love returned to being limited and even became further handicapped by the appearance of pride and selfishness."
"These two reasons: the lack of omniscience and the limitation of love, further enhanced by pride and selfishness, make decision-making, especially wise decision-making, practically impossible. What happened to Emily was exactly that. The suffering you guys go through is the result of an original choice and the choice that you guys make every single day. And because the damage was done, and you guys released yourselves from Me, from then on your choices could always lead to pain and suffering."
"So, the shortest answer to your question is, Jamie, that I do not create suffering or pain and I do not cause it. However, because Love will always give a choice, I can only watch as you guys make those choices and try to come up with salvation plans. Think of me almost like a GPS that has to reprogram itself considering your choices."
I couldn´t help but laugh at the analogy Abraham had chosen. However, now that I thought about it, it was true. It was ingenious.
"Now, do I know your choices? Yes, because remember I am outside time and space so that means that to me everything is an eternal now. But, my very Being, my very Self, cannot step over your choices. Think of me as a parent who knows beforehand when His child is going to make a wrong decision but He has to respect it and prepare for the consequences. That is who I am."
I took a deep breath as I considered Abraham´s words. They all made sense but that did not diminish the pain I felt.
I suddenly raised my head up and released a gasp as my eyes landed not on the face of a ceramic representation but on the flesh-and-blood face of Jesus. His eyes could barely open up from the amount of bleeding and also from the bruises and yet what little I could see stared at me to communicate the most bone-crushing pain. At that moment, my heart squeezed really tightly inside my chest and missed a beat and I whimpered with the pain I was feeling. What was this?
I turned my eyes to Abraham and He stared at me with tears falling from His own but I did not stop too long before returning my gaze to the suffering Christ on that Cross because I knew I would find strength for my pain in here. And I wasn´t wrong.
His face had been disfigured almost to the point of being unrecognizable and there wasn´t a single place of healthy flesh on His entire body. But what moved me to the very bottom of my soul was not His physical pain as bad as that was; it was rather the realization that His suffering sprang not so much from His Body but from His heart.
"Were you with Him as He suffered, Abraham?" I asked softly as the vision continued. My heart would not stop squeezing inside as more and more pain traveled through me. How much had Christ truly suffered on that Cross?
"I was in Him, beside Him, and with Him from the very beginning of this ordeal. Whatever He suffered, so did I, and so did the Holy Spirit. The Trinity, in full, went through every moment of this sacrifice," Abraham said as more tears slid down His face. His eyes were now also riveted to the dying man on the Cross.
"Did You try to help Him?" I asked and this time my eyes moved to Abraham, intently waiting for His answer.
"Look," was all He said and I directed my eyes toward the Cross.
Darkness, sadness, and deep spiritual sorrow met my eyes, and there was so much of it that I felt as if someone had plunged me into oil. That is how thick and overwhelming the sensations were. Jesus was battling more inside Himself than outside and at that moment I realized that not even three times the physical damage He had received could ever have compared with the suffering He was undergoing inside His heart. I saw that He felt separated from God, that His prayers and pleas seemed to go unanswered and this, more than anything else, was torturing the poor man. He was evidently seeking God, wishing – no more like aching – to feel God´s presence within Him, and yet there was nothing but absence and stifling silence.
The suffering became so intense, so hard for me to go through, that I soon felt a hand on my shoulder and with tears in my eyes I turned to Abraham, whose eyes were also awash with tears.
"Did you help Him? Or did you abandon Him? He was pleading with You, pleading, so why was there such silence? Why did He have to go through that?"
"Before I answer the other questions, look again and tell me what you see, Jamie," Abraham said and He pointed to Jesus again.
I was not feeling very excited about encountering that much pain again but I had asked and now I had to see.
I turned my eyes and this time, what I saw, made me gasp. For just a little above the top of the Cross, and almost as a backdrop, I saw the semi-transparent apparition of what appeared to be an old and wise man whose arms were reaching down towards the Body of Christ and right where the chest of the apparition should be – indeed where the heart is – I saw the same firebird that had come out of the Tabernacle with spread wings pointing down and enveloping the entire being of Christ.
I looked back to Abraham expecting His explanation.
"Like I said, He was never alone."
"So why didn´t He feel you? Why was there so much darkness?"
"Always remember what you learned in Catechesis, Jamie. Jesus assumed the full condition of Man and assumed the consequences of sin even though He never sinned Himself. That consequence was the separation and the perception of the absence of the Divine life. However, did that mean He was alone? Did that mean He was abandoned? No, just as it has never been the case with you guys. I have never, and will never, abandon my children no matter what they do. However, because of the consequence of sin, which causes a break in the communication between Me and you, I can only be in the background giving strength and pointing the soul towards reconciliation. In Jesus´ case, I provided Him with the strength to be able to carry out His mission until the end."
"Now, why the darkness? Because the soul is not meant to be disconnected from the Divine life and that absence only brings pain, darkness, and loneliness. How do I help? Sometimes in the smallest of things. For example, in Jesus´ case, the presence of His Mother and His beloved disciple brought Him comfort and gave Him strength. So, sometimes, it will not be flashy and evident, but believe Me when I say I am always there. And I suffer alongside you just as I did alongside Him."
"As to why He had to go through all that, the answer is pretty simple. He did not have to but He chose to because that is what you guys have to go through. So maybe you will not end up on a Cross or any such horrific death but you will have to face the struggles of life and also the spiritual struggle before death and He wanted to share in all of it, every single bit, so that you could find in Him a real friend and support. If He had not gone through that then He would have not been able to understand – and neither would the Trinity for that matter - the strife you face in this life. He shared in every bit of human life, the good and the bad so that He could unite fully with you. There was no other way to achieve that, especially once original sin broke the original communion."
"Is that what Emily is doing? Is that why she hasn´t either returned or gone on to the next life?" I asked Abraham as the vision ended and we returned to the darkened church. The Tabernacle, too, was now closed.
"Emily called out to Me in her darkest hour and I answered. She is currently with Me on a journey that will help her and many others. She is learning about herself and most especially about Me and our relationship so that whatever she decides – to move on to the next life or return to you – she will become a beacon for others who, like her, have faced the darkness of spiritual warfare. She is also getting healed so that if she returns to you she can help in turn heal the wounds you guys now have."
"What about me, Abraham, will You be with me in my darkest time of need?" I asked as I stared at Him.
"I have never, and will never, leave you alone my son. Now, whether you feel it or not, only know that just as Jesus ultimately knew He was not alone, so should you know you are never alone. Call out to Me and even if you will not always receive answers like this one, and sometimes it will seem like I have gone quiet, I am not. I am always working to help you. What matters is that you keep in mind that My answers, and My actions, will not always coincide with what you thought I should have answered and done."
Without knowing why I launched my arms around the other man and embraced Him tightly, feeling a lot lighter than when I had come into the chapel… which… speaking of… I now realized…
My eyes sprang open and I found myself sitting up on the pew where I had laid down. It was darkened still and silent and I looked at my watch a bit alarmed that I might have overstayed in the hospital. However, to my utter shock, I saw that I had only been gone for 15 minutes. It had felt like an hour.
Standing from the pew, I went towards the altar and knelt before the Tabernacle, overcome with relief and peace. For the first time in I did not know how long, I was feeling at peace. And I looked up at the Cross and thanked God for His support.
I moved through the hallways again only this time I had a very different attitude and people noticed. It seemed my inner peace was communicating to my outward appearance and that is why the nurses told me when I went into the ICU ward to say goodbye to my beloved wife.
I entered her unit and without even thinking twice, I went to her bed, bent over her, and kissed her brow. Without knowing the end result of this journey we were all in, I knew, that my wife, my beloved, would be okay and so would we all. From this very day, I too, would start working to make things better for myself and those around me.