I woke up, already in bed. Who moved me? Oh, that's right. I had spent the night with Blake, so he must have brought me here. But where is he now?
I felt the cold side of the bed, he was no longer beside me. Immediately, I went down from my bed, took a T-shirt and put it on casually, then looked for Blake. Maybe he was in the kitchen—his favorite spot.
"Blake...." I walked towards the empty room. There was waffle and a glass of milk serving on the table. Don't forget a sweet message from him. How sweet ....
[I'm going first, can't bear to wake you up. Blake]
There is a sense of pleasure and disappointment when I reading messages from him. Sweet as before. Maybe even more. Is this proof that he has feelings for me? If so, why didn't he ever say so? Does he really not have it anymore? Or does it take time for him after what happened to our previous relationship?
I sighed, wearily. Remembering the beautiful night I had spent with him, made me blush and feel happy. But if it only a meaningless relationship without love, why should we continue? Like what I've been doing so far.
I don't want to do it with the same person because there really isn't a special feeling, and at the same time I don't want to give that feeling a chance to arise. It's different from how I feel about Blake. That's clear. And I wouldn't mind repeating the night with him again and again.
However, if making love to me is just a mere pleasure, I don't know what to say to myself. So long hid the pain because of his sudden and wordless departure, then having to repeat the same pain, will I be ready? I can't even imagine it.
I drank the milk that was available there until empty. Picking a little waffle that looks tempting with melted caramel sauce on it, as well as sliced strawberries and a sprinkling of powdered sugar. But I'm not in the mood to eat it all. Not after finding out Blake just left, again. And I don't know how many more times he will do this to me.
'Stupids!' I cursed to myself. Was I so mad at Blake, to be willing to be treated like this?
I sighed in annoyance, brushing my hair roughly. The feelings for Blake should have evaporated a long time ago. How many years have passed? So long, that counting it would be very tiring.
I picked up the cell phone that was still lying on the living room table from yesterday, looked up Blake's number and then dialed it. If he doesn't have time to call me, I'll call him first.
'Hi, Blake here. You can leave a message after the beep, I'll be sure to reply soon.'
I couldn't help but sigh at the sound of the mail box. Does it restrict incoming calls? Even from my number? It's impossible if the number is always off every time I call. If it's like this then how?
Come on, Jenna ... you're not holding his responsible just because he slept with you last night, are you? And only once, not a big deal. After all, doing it once won't get you pregnant.
That is true. Why did I want to get Blake's attention so much? If he comes, not at my invitation. But of his own volition. So if he left or didn't come back, then I shouldn't have asked him to stay. Think of him like other men who felt awake on my bed only one night. The next day, we're totally strangers.
Yes. It's better be like that.
I better get ready to go to college. Just thinking about Blake isn't good for my health. He was no different from any other man who landed on my bed safely, spent the night, then left. And there are no second chances.
***
I waited for Clara to finish cleaning up. Today was very tiring and frustrating. Arriving at campus, Genetics class was postponed for no reason. Finally I decided to go home with Clara to her house. Instead of spending time alone at home, after all, my best friend was not on a date with a man. When I say 'man' it means some kind of blind date.
I don't know when she started doing that, her blind dates and wild fantasies were getting out of hand. I don't seem to know Clara lately. Maybe she was tired of always being a good-natured smart kid.
"Lucky I'm not on show today. So we can spend some time alone ...." She raised her eyebrows, teasingly.
"Damn it! You have no idea what it's like to have a day at home without friends, without anything to do. Sooooo boring!" I complained, to which she laughed mockingly.
"Therefore, take care of your health. I'm sad that I can't take you to Glory. I'm afraid your illness will relapse."
"Yes, that's how it is. It's really upsetting to know that your health condition is not good. Especially Doctor Karl. That man ... urrgh!" I groan in annoyance, remembering how protective he is that he looks just like my father.
Clara actually laughed out loud hearing my story about the Doctor Lecturer. She sat down and supported her chin with her hand.
"What the hell did he do to you, huh?"
I rolled my eyes, remembering how that handsome Doctor pissed me off. Thinking about it again can put me in a bad mood.
"Forget it, if it's too upsetting. But one piece of advice from me, don't be so hard on him. Maybe he's just worried about you like he should be."
I nodded between agree and no. Whatever the reason, he should still maintain the privacy of a patient, especially in a public place.
"Besides, I'm not too curious about Doctor Karl. Although from my point of view, he seems interested in you, but let's forget about it. Now I have something more important to ask. About last night."
My eyes widen at Clara's question. Didn't she know Blake was back? Or did she just ask because she knows I was coming home to meet Blake?
"Last night?" I asked to confirm what she wanted to ask.
"Yeah. Come on, Jenna, don't pretend you don't know. You just walked away last night with a call, didn't you?! Who called you that you disappeared right after?"
I sighed slowly, not wanting Clara to know my relief that she didn't know about Blake. But why should I hide? Aren't we adults now? I'm free to relate to anyone.
"Ah ... that's, as usual. I met a handsome guy outside, and he drove me home. And as you know ...." I replied, playing with my hands, half lying.
I'm still not ready to say anything about Blake. The man didn't seem to want our relationship to be known by Clara. It can be seen from his reaction when I mention Clara.
"Oh ... I thought you already had a lover and hid it from me."
I just didn't respond to what Clara just said.
If Blake were my boyfriend, maybe it would be, Clara. I'm not going to tell you until I find out why you haven't talked about Blake since that guy left even now.
"If I already have a lover, so what?" I asked, casually. Just wondering what her reaction would be at this point. She used to be a possessive friend, I knew her very well. Every time she found out I was close to a different man, she would ignores me for days.
While she had multiple boyfriends, I only had one night's relationship. Apart from my principle of love, it's also because of Clara who doesn't seem to want to share me with others.
"Y-yeah ... you know what I'm like, Jenna. Really, have you been with someone? Who?"
"Not with anyone. I'm still the same as yesterday. Even though you're being unfair to me, but my decision not to be in a relationship with anyone is purely because of myself. One day I will definitely date. And you'll be the first to know."
Hearing my words, Clara suddenly fell silent. I can't really read her expression right now, even though things like this happen often. But of course, trying to guess what was on her mind was exhausting.
"Even though I'm in a relationship but never serious and use feelings like you did with Blake."
I turned to hear the words she just said, then stared intently into the sea-blue eyes in front of me. This was the first time she dared to say that name. Why?
"What's the matter with Blake?" I asked, curiously. You're already on your way, Clara. It's time for you to 'shower'. Just tell me, what's going on between you and Blake.
"N-nothing. It's just that you seem to like that guy so much that you ignore me. Did you forget?"
I nodded, slowly. If that was all she wanted to say, of course I'd known long ago that she didn't like Blake because I'd been with her less and less since dating the guy. But otherwise, Clara. Other! What else are you hiding about Blake?
I snorted in annoyance. Not to Clara or Blake, but to myself. There are many questions in my head that I can't find the answers to. Not from Clara ... or Blake.
They both seemed to not want to remember the past. Meanwhile, from the start, I didn't know anything about Blake's departure and all the things behind it, only hiding pain and feelings for that man.
No, no. Not that I suspect Clara. She's a good friend all along, that's why our friendship can last so long. But about that matter ... for some reason I couldn't stem my feelings.
Until now still wondering about something that is still a mystery. And I'm tired, because they should both say what really happened between them.
Or maybe there's something I've missed all this time?
***