I've been standing behind the bar for a long time, with several kinds of groceries in front of me. Don't compare it to Blake who has talent in this field, it took me centuries to make just one dish. No, that's just hyperbole indeed. But really, planning on making a veggie salad—with the full ingredients available, don't forget the ready recipe book. So what? Where to start?
I chuckled to myself, looking at the vegetables and others who were idle. In the end I grabbed my phone and hit an e-commerce app selling food menus. Several fast food restaurants gathered there. Just scroll and click. Finished.
I cleaned up the ingredients that were originally on the table. Put back in the fridge. Let Blake cook for me later. I do not know when.
Remembering Blake gave off an uneasy feeling. I dialed the number, dialing the man who had been on my mind for days. If this brain was man-made, it might be crazy to think about that one human. Where are you, Blake? Should I suffer like this just to get your attention?
'Hey, Blake here. Say something after the 'beep' '
"Hey, I-I was just wondering where you were. I hope you're still in the same hemisphere as me. Kinda missing you. Call me!"
Argh, that sounds cheap. But it was too late. Voicemail has been delivered. Perfect! What else can we do. Let's just say this is the first and last time I do stupid thing.
Never mind ....
I better get cleaned up after this. I don't know why, it's been a few days since I'm not excited to attend lectures. My head feels like it's burnt out and I just want to roll around in bed, lazing around. I ignored calls and chats from Clara.
Several times she came and knocked on the door I didn't even let her in. I left her outside, until it passed. I'm kind of like a depressed person. Just because of a man?
No. Not just because of Blake. Some days feel weak, but I don't want to collapse or suffer anywhere else. Even if I have to die, I want to stay home. The second most comfortable place besides being in Blake's arms. Uh, what am I talking about?
***
I sat on the edge of the bathtub, watching the water flowing from the faucet fill the originally empty tub. The soft gurgling sound was soothing, like listening to lullaby music.
I really need this, the running water, as well as the cold touching the skin in quite hot weather. No wonder, soon spring will pass into summer.
I prepared a bubble bath scented with vanilla and lavender. Put it in a half-filled tub, then stir it. A fragrant aroma wafts out and fills the room where I am now.
I got up and walked over to the sofa in the corner of the bathroom. Take the magazine and flip through it, waiting for the water to reach a third of the tub.
Before long, the water that filled the tub was enough to soak my body. I turned off the faucet and started to go in and let my body sink into the now purplish solution with bubbles of foam on the surface. I inhaled the aroma deeply. Feel the stiff muscles of the body begin to relax.
It felt ... so comfortable. I need to do this more often, apart from curling up in Blake's arms, of course.
Shut up, you Jenna! Your mind has been wandering more and more lately. Has Blake eaten half your brain so you can't think logically anymore?
Possible.
But it can't be blamed if I start acting like an insane person, that man has been messing around in my head. Stir my feelings. If I go crazy, he's the one who should be held responsible.
While enjoying the comfort of being in a sea of foam, before long, I felt like my skin was numb. It just feels cold. Back like being in between conscious and not. My body shivered, my teeth chattered. But I couldn't move my arms or legs. My breath started to hitch.
Even shouting is useless, I'm alone. I don't want to die silly from exhaustion in vain. If I fainted, nothing would prevent my body from sinking.
With all my strength I raised my left hand and hooked it on the edge of the tub. I don't want to die now. Not now. Not now ....
***
"JENNA! What happened? What are you doing?"
I heard the voice, slowly. Appears and disappears. Whose voice is that? It is the angel of death? Am I dead? I tried to open my eyes but couldn't.
HEKKH!
Someone pressed the bottom of my chest. I didn't feel any pain, just like a shock. It feels numb.
"Jenna! Stay here! Stay with me! Get up! Come on, wake up!"
I can't breathe. I don't know if I'm breathing right now. I can't feel it. Why don't my eyes open too? Who's been trying to wake me up?
I must be dreaming! Right now I'm somewhere between real and unreal. I stand here and see a bare body—covered with a towel—on the bathroom floor. Who gave me CPR and tried to keep me alive? Doctor Karl? Why did he get here? Am I dreaming?
"Jenna, please, wake up!" The man looked panicked, anxious, and who knows what other feelings he had in his heart.
He took the hanging bathrobe and put it on my body—my other body. I don't know what I am now. Maybe a roaming creature.
Doctor Karl swiftly lifted the body and half ran to take it outside where his car was parked.
Hey, wait for me! How do I go there?
***
With one deep breath, I woke up. It's like having wandered through the world of the dead, knowing my life has returned is a gift. I looked around the room. Same place for the past few times.
Welcome home, Jenna! Welcome to your second home.
I sighed weakly. No, my body is much stronger than before. I don't feel any pain anymore, but where's Doctor Karl?
Klik!
What I've been looking for has finally arrived. He, as usual—followed by a beautiful nurse, came over to me. Hey, what kind of expression is that on his face?
"Jenna ... ahem, Nurse Biels, could you leave Miss Jameson and me for a bit?" he asked the nurse.
"Okay, Doc." The nurse handed Doctor Karl the note then left my room, leaving us alone.
The man took a chair, put it on the side of my bed. He sat there, staring at me with an unreadable gaze.
"Why are you so desperate? Huh?"
"Oh, please, Doc ... I'm still weak and you want to pick a fight with me?" I looked away, avoiding his gaze.
"It's not like that, but you know your condition, why are you taking a cold bath, Jenna? You're not like the others, if that's what you want to know."
"Where's the difference? Tell me." This time I turned to him and looked into those gray eyes with a defiant look. The man adjusted his glasses and tried to swallow his saliva, doubt with what he will tell me.
"Just say it, Doctor Karl. I'm ready to hear it."
He removed the glasses that had been bothering him and curbed his courage to tell the truth about my condition. Put it in his coat pocket. He shifted his chair closer, holding my hand.
"This is just a suspect, and I need your approval for this."
"What for?"
"Doing BMP*."
I rubbed my face furiously. "Doc, please, use whatever term is easy. My brain is not being able to think right now," I said. Maybe he himself used certain terms because he felt that my status as a medical student should know medical terms. But not for now.
The man sighed tiredly.
"A marrow biopsy, Jenna. Because I suspect you have a blood disorder. I hope I'm wrong, but it would have been better if we had known earlier, wouldn't it?"
I nodded confirming what the handsome Doctor said.
"When are we going to do it? And what should I prepare?"
He lifted his face from the paper in his hands, facing me. "Tomorrow. Just prepare your mental and health, because that's the most important thing."
Doctor Karl then got up and left me alone who was still pensive staring at the empty ceiling of the room. Trying to find an answer on my own, whether Doctor Karl's guess is right or just a worry that will not come true.
Everyone hopes to live a good and quality life, but if in the end you have to find a reality that may be bitter, then all you have to do is accept and live. So am I. Only, for now I'm still hopeful.
————
*BMP: Bone Marrow Puncture or spinal cord aspiration which is performed if the patient has signs of blood disorders (https://www.alodokter.com/aspirasi-sumsum-tulang-ini-yang-harus-anda-ketahui#:~:text=Aspirasi%20sumsum%20tulang%20atau%20bone,satu%20atau%20ketiga%20sel%20darah.)