I was back in my bedroom, lying on the bed and gazing at the high ceiling, which was painted to resemble the night sky. Jasmine had come in with the food tray as I did not show up to the family dinner downstairs, sending a note of excuse, saying that I had a slight headache. The food still lay untouched, which by now must have gone cold. The royal doctor came to see me along with my maid, but I refused to let him in. To my relief, no one came to bother me again. I was glad about the privacy and peace they gave me, which was sort of surprising.
I was reminiscing how the entire afternoon passed after Mel took me out to the garden to cry. I told her everything, starting from how shocked I was when I saw Calvin's application to the part where I was shattered by Fabien's betrayal. Even though she listened to every detail patiently, I could see in her eyes that she did not agree with the grudge I was holding towards Fabien. "She could side with him all she wants," I huffed, speaking my thoughts out loud. And then Fabien had to come looking for me. How very nice of him, I thought sarcastically. Seeing him made tears flow again and I ran back inside and locked myself in my room.
Now that my mind was somewhat clear, I could see how foolishly I have behaved. I should have calmly left at least, instead of running away.
Fabien had been trying to reach me since my dramatic flee. He had called about twenty-five times, all of which I ignored.
I wondered why Fabien was staying at the palace the entire day and a small voice in my head reminded me that there was no doubt that he was there for something that had to do with being a suitor. The thought made me furious and I could not get to why I was so angry at him for applying. Was it that I disliked him that much? 'No, that can't be it. No way.' I liked him a lot as a friend and I even grew to open up with him that I talked about so many things with him. Well, if I could talk with him openly, why could not he tell me this? Maybe it was the fact that he kept this from me that made me feel betrayed. On top of that seeing Calvin's application stressed me out so much that I would break down, again and again, any second for some time.
I was about to stand up and go out into the balcony when I received yet another text. I checked it this time, knowing that it had to be Fabien. I had changed his contact name and now it read 'liar'.
Liar: Are you ok? Why did you storm off like that earlier? Idk what I did wrong, but if something happened that hurt u, I'm terribly sorry. So pls talk 2 me.
Before I could put away my phone, it beeped again, having received another text from him.
Liar: If u're gonna ignore my texts this time as well, I'm gonna come & check on u myself.
I rolled my eyes at this. I hated how my behavior was changing drastically to something that was less and less graceful or polite. In a way, both the Beaufort cousins had the same effect on me. They would annoy me so much that it would go beyond my limits. It was the first time, Fabien's actions were having this impact on me though. For a moment I wondered if he was the same as Calvin, but deep down I knew that Fabien had not done something so bad as to infuriate me this much. Maybe I was just acting up or I was reaching my breaking point. I was starting to doubt my ability to bear the weight of the crown.
In the state I was in now, I definitely did not want to see Fabien. I did not trust myself to behave wisely. I might act up and create a scene or just throw something at him and regret it big time, later. So I decided to send him a text quickly, saying 'I'm ok'. I kept it as short as possible. I was still angry at him and I wanted him to know that, even though he might not pick up the reason behind it.
Suddenly, there was a knock at the door and my heart started to race, thinking that it had to be Fabien. I hesitated for a moment, but then called out; "I texted you, didn't I? So why are you even here?"
There was laughter from outside and it certainly was not Fabien.
"Silly, it's me! Should I come in or just go away?" Mel asked, failing to contain her giggles.
My cheeks heated up, for blurting out like that without thinking properly. He would not come even if I did not reply. I should have just ignored the last text as well. I sighed and walked up to the door and unlocked it to let my friend in.
"Who were you expecting?" Mel asked with an air of mischievousness. Her eyes were glinting with hidden excitement.
"Don't even start. I wasn't expecting anyone." I pouted like a kid.
"Okay, okay, I'll stop asking about that." Mel grinned, letting go of it for now, only because I looked at her with puppy-dog eyes pleadingly.
"Let me get this straight," Mel began, sitting down on the bed, and I joined her, "are you still angry at him?"
"Who?"
"Fabien, of course. I wouldn't mind you being angry at Calvin. You can even shove him off a cliff and I wouldn't say a word against it, you know that, don't you?" She replied as if all of that was obvious, which was actually true. "So...?" she pressed.
"Of course, I am."
"I'm sorry, sweetheart, but I have to tell you that you're are kinda being a little silly here. If any, you should be happy that Fabien even applied." Mel said matter-of-factly.
"So you knew?" I questioned, shocked.
"No, silly. But, it's beside the point." Mel continued, "He is a good guy and you know it. We both do. And apparently, he's a good match. Of course, he would be one of the few opponents Calvin could have, who would be able to compete and possibly even win. Imagine, having to live all your life with Calvin?"
At that, I could not help but nod. However, I was still not past the point, where I would argue that Fabien could have told or even asked me first. I could easily agree with Mel about Calvin. With him, life would certainly be a bumpy ride, most probably ending in a disaster. On the other hand, Fabien was much more reliable and it was not like that he was the least bit boring. On top of that, he was very handsome and recently even managed to make my heart flutter simply by coming a bit closer than usual. The nasty voice in my head did not forget to remind me that Calvin was equally as handsome as Fabien and that he could give me butterflies by simply being him.
"Ugh! What's this that these two cousins are doing to me?" I blurted, annoyed, forgetting about Mel's presence for a moment.
"Well, I should get going now," Mel said after a long pause.
Without thinking, I nodded my head and only realized that she had left when the door closed behind her. Feeling bad, I sent her a text, apologizing for zoning out in the last few minutes.
After some more thinking, I decided to let go of the anger towards both Calvin and Fabien. There was no point in holding on to angry feelings as none of the matters related to suitors were in my hands. It would be nicer to enjoy the little time I had before the marriage and all the pressure that came with it, without wasting time holding on to useless grudges.
Just as I was about to send a text to Fabien to set things to the way they were before, I received a call from him. Mel probably advised him to not give up, on her way home.
"Hey," I said awkwardly after contemplating and answering on the third ring.
"Oh, I thought you were going to ignore me forever." Fabien sounded relieved. "Are you okay, Ava?" The concern was evident in his voice and instantly my heart warmed up to him and the tension and awkwardness disappeared.
"Can you meet me at the library in like ten minutes?" I asked before I talked myself out of it.
"Sure, I'll be there." The eagerness in his voice surprised me and I was glad that he did not ask why I wanted to meet him, because I could not form a proper reason to that myself.
I did not ring for a maid as I did not want to waste more time. So after running a comb through my tangled hair, I hurried out and headed to the library in quick steps.
When I entered, Fabien was already there. Probably hearing the scrape of the door, he closed the book he had in his hand and turned towards me. His face lit up with a smile and his cheeks dimpled in an adorable way. He came up to me, pushing his hair away from his handsome face. Unlike usual his hair was not combed back. For the first time, he had left it uncombed and it looked as unruly as Calvin's signature look.
Fabien stopped a few feet away from me, maybe worried that I would get uncomfortable and run away. "You're okay, right, Ava?" He asked with worry in his soothing blue eyes.
"Yeah, I am," I sighed, "I'm sorry for ignoring your texts earlier. I was so angry and confused about this whole marriage thing, which I'm kind of forced into and I didn't know where to direct my anger."
"It's fine, really. I'm the one who's sorry for not telling you about my... about me applying earlier. I wasn't sure how you'd react-" He was fumbling with words and I could sense how hard it was for him to tell all these.
"Shh! Let's just forget about it," I smiled, trying to lighten his mood, "I want to be as happy as possible, now that I only have around two months till my future is decided. So let's forget it." Tears threatened to spill and my voice began to crack despite my efforts to not cry. "I'm just... I'm so scared of not knowing who I might end up with at the end of this whole showy suitor selection process.
I would give anything to lead a normal life like a civilian, so I would have more freedom to choose my life partner. I know I probably sound stupid and very self-centered. I know that most of the people out there are leading hard lives. Most of them don't have half the comforts I have and I should consider myself lucky for what I have. Oh, I feel like such an ungrateful bi-"
"Look at me," Fabien said softly, yet demandingly, cupping my face in his hand and raising it so that my eyes met his, "stop blaming yourself, Ava. Do you know what I see? I see a determined girl, trying her best to shoulder some great responsibilities, others her age would not be able to bear even in their dreams."
His words warmed me and I had the urge to lean on him.
"With your comforts, comes great responsibilities and pressure. Just like how civilians have fewer responsibilities even though they have lesser comforts. In a way, all of us are struggling to survive. But in your case, you would soon be trying to not only create a better life for yourselves but for your people as well. I'm certain that you'll do your job well. So never ever think less of yourself."
Tears of mixed emotions started to fall down my cheeks. "Thank you, Fabien," I whispered as he wrapped his arms around me in a hug. I leaned on him and continued to sob into him, drenching the front of his perfectly ironed, white shirt.
"I promise that I'll always support you the best I can, no matter what happens." He assured me, stroking my hair gently as if I were something delicate. He was so warm and comforting that I knew I would long for this kind of peacefulness the moment we part our ways tonight, even though we would probably be seeing each other the next day.
After what seemed like hours, Fabien let go of me, only to lift my face to see if I was still crying. I smiled at him and he too smiled in return. My gaze shifted to his lips and I blushed. And ever so slowly, he closed the distance and I too leaned in, making his lips brush against mine.
Suddenly I came to my senses. Despite the ache in me to give in to the kiss, I knew it was inappropriate of me to be doing this after the suitor selection has been started. So I quickly pulled back. I could see the look of hurt and embarrassment in Fabien's eyes.
"I'm sorry, Ava. I-" Fabien started with a pleading look in his eyes as if begging for me not to be angry with him again.
"No, please, don't say that. I... I just need to go." I stammered, turning on my heels. I pulled open the doors and ran out of the library and along the hallway that lead to the stairways, leading to the upper floor.
My cheeks were flushed and my mind was in a daze from what just happened, or what almost happened. I was just turning the corner to get to the stairs when I bumped into something solid that had just appeared, blocking my way.