She pulls away after a few seconds.
"That was a mistake." She says. "I've gotta go." She grabs her stuff and bolts through the door. She doesn't look at me. I don't chase after her because I'm too much in shock.
Did that really just happen? I trace my lips just to reminisce.
I fantasize. I imagine us going further. Me gripping her hair, her pulling mine. Biting her lip, making our tongues dance, and caressing her body.
I reach for my phone and shoot a text to Alan.
"Can we hang out tonite?"
He responds almost instantly.
"What time?"
"Wanna give me a ride home?"
"See you at 3"
I went back to class and lied to the teacher that I couldn't find Celeste. It flew by pretty quick. Last period was a bore. I missed Josh. I messaged him to ask him if he was still upset with me.
"Are you still mad at me" I ask him.
"Very" is all he says.
"I'm ending things for good tonight"
"I'll believe it when I see it."
I give up.
I instead shoot Celeste a message. Asking her to talk tonight at a later time. A time I know that Alan would be gone. I knew he wouldn't even put up a fight when it happened. I knew in my mind it would take way less than an hour. Maybe the ride to my house. Celeste unlike the rest doesn't reply.
I hope our friendship isn't over. The kiss replays in my mind. I touch my lips again. It just might be over for us.
When the school bell rings I walk over to the parking lot and wait for Alan to show. He gets here around the time there are no cars. It took almost twenty minutes. Don't worry though, I remind myself, it's the final time.
I scan his truck one final time. The hula girl dancing as he drives. How he has no backseats just the two front seats and a huge truck bed. The smell of pine and how the air blasted strong in the center but hardly on the sides. I look over to him. I scan his face. His small curly black hair that looks like he put gel on the top. He has a small beard and mustache. I knew he would shave it off within a few days. His blue sweater that he let Mandy wear. It had two black strings hanging out and a huge middle pocket where he always kept his hands when he was standing.
"What's wrong?" He asks while he goes to squeeze my left thigh.
"We need to talk." I sigh. We're almost to my house. Just two streets away.
"Oh?" He sounds confused. "What happened?"
"My friend is actually going through agonizing heartbreak and I made a promise to her." I sigh.
He still has that confused look on his face.
"What's that gotta do with us?" He asks me.
"Well us is totally toxic if you haven't realized it yet." I say.
"You don't think this is normal?" He asks.
"Do you? Honestly." I ask him back.
"Well," he paused. "Considering I can't and don't want to be official, yeah."
"Knowing I love you? Claiming you love me? Even then?" I ask. I hope his answer changes but I already know his answers and how overdue this is. This type of love is nothing but toxic. He's already pulling up to my house.
"What are you saying?" He puts the car in park. I open my door and unbuckle.
"Thanks for the ride." I say as I hop out of the car. "But it's over. Whatever you want to call us, it's done." I shut the door.
I walk over towards the door. Fidgeting with my keys and I put the first key into the hole when Alan walks up behind me.
"What do you mean we're done?" He laughs. "We can't be done. You love me so much."
"Not anymore Alan." I turn to face him. "And you're not going to do this shit anymore." I wave my hands in the air. "You make me crazy. You make me think this is genuine love but this is just your definition in your crazy ass mind!" I'm gesticulating as I speak. "You are the definition of a narcissistic toxic asshole!" I shout. A few of the neighbors are popping out of their houses or looking through their windows.
"You're crazy." He laughs. "You think you deserve something genuine? After all the shit you put me through?" He exaggerates. I cut him off before he can talk again.
"The shit I put you through?" I say sarcastically. "Yes because I'm the one who fucked my best friend, twice. And wouldn't go public with me. I told you you're not good enough. Boy what an ass i must be."
"WHY WOULD I EVER DATE YOU?!" He screams. "You're this sad piece of shit who can't get a grip on reality. Your sister is the one who died, not you."
Rage, fucking kill him.
"I may be sad but at least I treat people with respect." I turn around. "Something your mom never taught you." I go to open my door but he drags me from my hair. Wrong day to wear it in a ponytail. I scream.
"Ouch, let go!" I scream as I'm being dragged through grass. "HELP!" I shout.
Cops start to show up. But that doesn't stop the angry man standing above me. He kneels down and gets on top of me. He hits my cheek with his right fist. It felt like a rock hitting me.
An officer gets out and shouts what is he doing. Alan stands up immediately and swings on the officer. He lays him out and another approaches from behind. Tackling him next to me.
"This isn't over." He mouths to me.
Another officer arrives at the scene with another car. They grab his arms and put them behind his back. They search his pockets. They find a pocket knife. Either way there making an arrest. The partner of the other officer that just arrived comes up to me. He helps me up.
"You okay ma'am? Your cheek looks swollen." He touches it gently. I wince. "Should we drive you to the hospital?" I nod my head.
He walks me towards his car.
"Sorry you have to sit in the back," he apologizes and opens the door for me.
I'm left thinking to myself. What in the actual fuck just happened?
I tried to break up with Alan and got a fist in the face.
When they take me to the hospital, Sarah is there. She instantly takes me away and puts me in a room. She checks the bruise.
"Who did this?" Is the first thing she asks when we're alone. "Was it the same girl?"
I shake my head. "Alan." I say.
"Josh know?" She asks. I shake my head.
"He's mad at me because he found out we were still hooking up." I explain.
She paces the room. She's thinking of what to say to me.
"You're an idiot." She sighs and shakes her head. "The boys been in love with you ever since he met you." She chuckles. "He got you good but it'll go down in a few days. I can get you an ice pack and take you home in twenty minutes. My shifts almost up."
"When did you know you liked girls?" I blurt out. "I'm sorry…" I begin to say. She lets out a loud laugh.
"Please don't say you like your new friend." She sighs. "In all seriousness, I didn't even know until a girl kissed me at some bar." Relatable. She hands me an ice pack then sits next to me. "I had a boyfriend too. It was a few months after the divorce. Broke up with him for her and she was a bisexual. Those are the worst when you're one hundred percent gay." She lets out a small laugh to herself. I had a feeling it was a Celeste situation.
"She kissed me too." I sigh. "She bolted while I was in shock." I pause. "I like Josh. I know I do. I just smelt him the other day and fantasized for the first time about him. I see myself with him. I do. But Celeste kissed me because I was trying to console her and now I don't know but I did know I had to end it with Alan."
"You have to let them know. Have you even talked to them about the feelings you're having? You need to tell Josh and talk with Celeste about what that kiss meant." She paused. "Want to join Josh and I for dinner? We're having a roast." She teases.
"I'd love to."
"I'll be back when my shifts over. You're welcome to wait here or the waiting room." Sarah says before she leaves the room. I stay put.
Remembering as I'm tracing my lips one more time.