I sit in class, but my attention is, of course not here.
I'm thinking only about him.
It's been almost a year since my parents are gone. I've been completely alone after that. I guess, it took me, six months to first accept the fact that they won't turn up suddenly at my doorstep and another six months to believe it. If you ask me, I don't think I'm still fully convinced that they're gone. But, at least I believe it now and trying to move on.
It was a shock to me yesterday, when I met him, everything changed. Everything seemed a bit stronger around him, including my feelings!
Honestly, my feelings have been going for a toss lately.
The amount of anxiety I feel nowadays has increased dramatically. And sometimes, I fall unnecessarily or pour soup on myself or do something stupid because of extreme nervousness. And other times, I feel too empty and depressed for no reason. But, I blame that on my parents. Still, I would say it doesn't make sense.
I'm trying to do everything I can. Closing eyes, taking deep breaths, counting to 100 or reverse form 100, whatever it is, the problem is, nothing works. I feel a lot restless sometimes.
And suddenly, yesterday when I met him, I felt calm and excited at the same time. I did feel nervous whenever he was closer to me, but that was completely different than my usual problems. That nervousness brought out butterflies in my stomach, like, I was with my crush. Which is again weird because I just met him.
I definitely don't believe in love at first sight, so I have no idea what that was.
Now that I'm thinking about it, I can almost feel him near me. And, his scene is making my head giddy.
Oh my god, those eyes! The most attractive, the most enigmatic eyes I've ever seen in my life. I long to be with him forever, if that even makes sense or practically possible.
When I met him in his office, I felt a weird attraction. But, obviously, that's only because he's good looking.
But when he came to the cafeteria, everything changed! I was able to feel something building inside me. His strong aura was extracting those feelings from within. If I don't know any better, I will say that he can speak to my soul or in other words, he can command my soul in some way.
Why else did I wait like a dumbo for his permission to leave? Isn't it weird?
"Eva, what do you think?", a voice perturbs my chain of thoughts.
I need to focus. God!
"Uh.....", I get up from my seat.
My knees hit the table and everything on the writing desk flops and falls down. The whole class is agape for a second, then they all start laughing.
Embarrassing! What is wrong with me!
"Sorry! Sorry...", I mumble before cleaning up the mess. The water from my bottle has spilled everywhere across the floor and on my notebooks too. Now, everything is wet and soggy. God! Now, this is getting out of my hand. I need to consult a psychiatrist.
The professor moves on to a different student and a different question. Better decision, I would say, because I'm definitely in no position to answer whatever she just asked.
"Are you okay?", Simon asks me.
"Fine! I'm fine...", I say and continue wiping the floor. He also lends a hand now.
"Thanks... I don't know why these keep happening to me", I murmur sadly.
"Hey... it's okay. Happens to the best of us", Simon chuckles and quietly wipes off the water. Then, he continues slowly, "By the way.... have you been outside any time? I mean, outside of house or college?", he asks.
What? I've been here for hardly couple of days, where will I go?
"No... Why?", I ask.
"Nothing! I just....um... thought I could take you somewhere good, some time" he smiles.
Okaaaay! That's not good. Is he asking me on a date? Oh no! I can already feel my anxiety building up.
"Er.... actually Margaret told she'll take me out some time. it'll be fun, I think. I've asked them yesterday about it because I'm also curious to explore this town. I mean, I anyways have a lot to buy...like toiletries and stuff", I blabber constantly without a gap.
Did I just say toiletries to Simon? Fuck! Get a grip, Eva!
"Oh.... If you are okay, I can accompany you guys", he mumbles doubtfully.
Oh, fuck!
I drop down all the books I just collected in my hand, in the pool of water again. This is exactly why I should've ended this conversation a long time ago.
"I think it'll be too much of a crowd. I want to buy some girly stuff, you know? Margaret is coming with me anyways. It's not like I won't like if you join or something, but I think, maybe next time we all can go together?", I say doubtfully.
Oh my god! This is the worst conversation in the history of conversations ever.
I have a weird habit of not saying No to anyone. I need to muster up the courage and tell Simon right away that I don't want to go out with him because, I don't want the complication of a relationship on my plate right now.
But, I will go out with the dean if he asks.
Wait, what?
"Okay... no worries. I get it.. I hope you girls have fun", he moves to his desk. I think he's pissed with me.
I nod and sit back at my seat.
Oh god! What have I done!
Maybe I should ask him to join us?
I don't know.
Urgh!
I'm really frustrated with myself!
************
The classes are done for the day and I have texted Margaret to meet me at the cafeteria. I wanted to avoid Simon, but he anyways left early because I think he's extremely pissed at me. Whatever, I'm not going to care. I say this, but I feel a little guilty for hurting his feelings.
Margaret comes in. She looks cute today in a purple hoodie. Obviously, my other friends won't be able to rock this look like Margaret. Her black hair cascades to her shoulders and her dimples are clearly visible as she's exhibiting that big grin of hers'.
If I have to describe Margaret in one word. I would say exuberant. Her excitement and energy spreads to me too, because I'm also grinning from ear to ear and waving a big 'Hi' as she reaches across my table.
"How was today?", she asks me.
"Yeah... Awesome... ", I say cheerfully. In the midst of all Simonness, I was only thinking about him.
"Come on, then. Let's go home!", she makes a hand like Popeye, and I chuckle. I don't know what is to come for me, but I think I'll like it here.