[Music recommendation: A Game of Croquet by Johann Johannssonn]
My family left the next day, in the early morning, after they had stopped by the monastery to worship with the community.
I was hardly bothered.
Truthfully โ didn't give two flying fucks about them taking off. What I did give a fuck about were Asmodeus's laughing eyes and his matter-of-fact statement: ๐ ๐ฐ๐ถ ๐ข๐ณ๐ฆ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ ๐ฅ๐ข๐ถ๐จ๐ฉ๐ต๐ฆ๐ณ ๐ฐ๐ง ๐๐ช๐ท๐ช๐ฆ๐ฏ๐ฏ๐ฆ.
So right after my folks went back home, I spent all day gawking at Rosalyn Jackson whenever she was in my field of view. I even stalked her while she wandered about the premises and took photos of the place to upload them to ๐๐๐๐ฃ๐ฉ๐ ๐๐๐ง๐๐ ๐ผ๐๐๐๐ฎ'๐จ website.
From her little office cell to the refectoryโฆand from the refectory to the hallโฆand from the hall to the meditation gardenโฆ and from there to the barnโฆand from the there to the chapelโฆand back to the meditation gardenโฆ I followed her like a cat. ๐๐ฉ๐ข๐ต ๐ฆ๐ญ๐ฐ๐ฏ๐จ๐ข๐ต๐ฆ๐ฅ ๐ด๐ฉ๐ข๐ฅ๐ฐ๐ธโฆ๐ช๐ฏ ๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ณ ๐ฃ๐ฆ๐ฏ๐ฆ๐ฅ๐ช๐ค๐ต๐ช๐ฏ๐ฆ ๐ณ๐ฐ๐ฃ๐ฆ๐ดโฆ
"Is everything all right, dear? Did you need anything?"
I winced at the sound of her mellow voice. She noticed me. How couldn't she? I stared right at her camera lens.
"ErrโฆyesโI mean no. No, I was just looking for sister Ann-Mary." I lied.
The nun smiled. "I saw her in the kitchen not long ago."
Of course she was in the kitchen. Where else would she be at this hour? She was working (like every other good nun) on communion wafers. With me. I literally knew were Ann-Mary was, but I had just sneaked out of the kitchen solely to spy on sister Rosalyn.
I cleared my throat. "Right. I should probably head back then."
I stared at her.
"Yes, see if she is there," replied the nun, looking back at me friendly, camera in front of her chest ready to snap a pic of my dumb-ass physiognomy.
An awkward pause.
"Wellโyes. Right. I'mโgoing then."
"Go, dear."
"See you around. I mean later. I meanโI will see you anyway because you're hereโokay. Never mind. Bye." I blabbed and shuffled away.
Not really.
I hid behind one of the columns and waited for the nun to resume her photoshoot. I watched herโฆ๐ฏ๐ฐ, ๐ต๐ฉ๐ช๐ด ๐ค๐ข๐ฏ๐ฏ๐ฐ๐ต ๐ฃ๐ฆ. ๐๐ด๐ฎ๐ฐ๐ฅ๐ฆ๐ถ๐ด ๐ข๐ช๐จ๐ฉ ๐ฃ๐ฆ ๐ง๐ถ๐ค๐ฌ๐ช๐ฏ๐จ ๐ธ๐ช๐ต๐ฉ ๐ฎ๐บ ๐ฎ๐ฆ๐ฏ๐ต๐ข๐ญ ๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ข๐ญ๐ต๐ฉ ๐ง๐ฐ๐ณ ๐ฉ๐ช๐ด ๐ฐ๐ธ๐ฏ ๐ต๐ธ๐ช๐ด๐ต๐ฆ๐ฅ ๐ข๐ฎ๐ถ๐ด๐ฆ๐ฎ๐ฆ๐ฏ๐ตโฆ
I glared at her from the distance. Tried to find any resemblance between us, anything that would point out to a related gene, but she'd move and turn, and step farther and further away from where I stood. It was very hard for me to observe her.
I mean, not that I hadn't seen her face a million times alreadyโฆbut in that million times of looking at her I had never once really ๐ญ๐ฐ๐ฐ๐ฌ๐ฆ๐ฅ ๐ข๐ต ๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ณ.
I went back to the kitchen to resume work.
Later, I found her amidst other crafty sisters in the recreation room, labelling some photographs and arranging them into appropriate albums. ๐ ๐ฐ๐ถ'๐ณ๐ฆ ๐ฏ๐ฐ๐ต ๐ฎ๐บ ๐ฎ๐ฐ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ณโฆI thought to myself, studying her round profile while she studied a photo in her hands. A fleeting smile touched her lips. She held the photo a moment longer and placed it with the rest. Then her eyes met mine. I could only pretend to be looking for someone again, in the small crowd of the 31 nuns. Then I shuffled away once more.
During dinner, I couldn't keep my eyes off of the woman. In our refectory the tables were arranged in two long rows, one row at each end of the room. And in the middle, a statue of Jesus. I sat on one end of the room, sister Rosalyn โ on the opposite.
I stared at her, glared at her, drilled a hole through her clean forehead with my skeptical eyes. And my food grew cold. ๐ ๐ฐ๐ถ'๐ณ๐ฆ ๐ฏ๐ฐ๐ต ๐ฎ๐บ ๐ฎ๐ฐ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ณ, I couldn't help but hiss internally, watching her bite into her bread roll. ๐ ๐ฐ๐ถ ๐ฅ๐ช๐ฅ ๐ฏ๐ฐ๐ต ๐ง๐ฆ๐ฆ๐ฅ ๐ฎ๐ฆ ๐ท๐ฆ๐จ๐ข๐ฏ ๐ง๐ฐ๐ฐ๐ฅ, I thought to myself. ๐ ๐ฐ๐ถ ๐ฅ๐ช๐ฅ ๐ฏ๐ฐ๐ต ๐ค๐ญ๐ฐ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ ๐ฎ๐ฆ. ๐ ๐ฐ๐ถ ๐ฅ๐ช๐ฅ ๐ฏ๐ฐ๐ต ๐ฃ๐ณ๐ถ๐ด๐ฉ ๐ฎ๐บ ๐ฉ๐ข๐ช๐ณ ๐ง๐ฐ๐ณ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ช๐ณ๐ต๐ฆ๐ฆ๐ฏ ๐บ๐ฆ๐ข๐ณ๐ด, ๐ฅ๐ช๐ฅ ๐ฏ๐ฐ๐ต ๐ฃ๐ณ๐ช๐ฏ๐จ ๐ฎ๐ฆ ๐ต๐ฐ ๐ด๐ค๐ฉ๐ฐ๐ฐ๐ญ ๐ฐ๐ณ ๐ธ๐ข๐ญ๐ฌ๐ฆ๐ฅ ๐ฎ๐ฆ ๐ต๐ฐ ๐ข ๐๐ถ๐ฏ๐ฅ๐ข๐บ ๐๐ข๐ด๐ด. ๐๐ณ ๐ฑ๐ถ๐ต ๐ฎ๐ฆ ๐ต๐ฐ ๐ฃ๐ฆ๐ฅ. ๐๐ณ ๐ธ๐ข๐ด ๐ด๐ช๐ฎ๐ฑ๐ญ๐บโฆ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ณ๐ฆ.
After dinner came Compline. When we were done with worshipping and the others took their leave, I noticed sister Rosalyn still on her knees in prayer. I stayed and watched her for god knows how long, eyes blurry from fatigue.
. . . . . . . . . . . . .
"Genevieve?" A gentle hand shook my shoulder.
"Whaโฆ." I opened my eyes to see Rosalyn Jackson gazing down at me curiously. For a minute I didn't speak as I took her in, ๐ณ๐ฆ๐ข๐ญ๐ญ๐บ ๐ญ๐ฐ๐ฐ๐ฌ๐ฆ๐ฅ ๐ข๐ต ๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ณ. ๐๐ช๐ฏ๐ข๐ญ๐ญ๐บ.
Pale, smooth canvas of a face framed by a snow-white wimple, nose and cheeks of unnatural rosy hue as if she rubbed them with ice cubes. Pure black veil, pure black habit. Pure green eyes, emerald up close, shining like two bright Venuses, with a cryptic Mona Lisa grin behind them. I thought they were her only attraction, like a pair of gems set in a dull gray rock.
But I found no resemblance between us. Not the slightest one.
All I found was that she appeared holy. And I thought I caught a halo levitating above her. I believe it was the angle at which the lighting fell on her veiled head and shoulders that made the trick. Plus, we were in church. Anything appeared glorious there, even a piece of dried gum stuck to the back of a bench.
When the silence between us grew too long, I rushed to break it.
"Oh, I'mโnot sure what happened thereโฆ"
The nun frowned. "You seem rather dispersed today. Is something the matter?"
I shook my head vigorously. "No! Nothing bad. IโJust a hectic day, I guessโฆ" I don't think I blinked once while staring at her with eyes round as saucers.
Sister Rosalyn smiled. "Is something the matter with me?"
My scalp prickled at her question. I shook my head even harder. "Of course not! Why would you think that?"
"Well, the way you look at me is quite intense." Her smile deepened.
I thought my head was going to bounce off my shoulders from how hard I shook it the third time, as if trying to shake off that holy mirage before me.
"I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to glare at you," I said. "I think I'm just a bit tired and not aware of what I'm doing. Iโ" I got up from the bench to level her but was still inches shorter. "โshould go."
"Of course, dear. Have some rest. Today was long."
"Yesโฆright. Umโฆgoodnight, sister Rosalyn."
Her green eyes scrutinized me a moment, as if trying to pry out the truth. Then her mouth stretched into a smile once more. "Good night, Genevieve. May the Lord guard your sleep."
"Amen." I dropped and walked off, feeling green eyes following my every step.
๐ ๐ฐ๐ถ'๐ณ๐ฆ ๐ฏ๐ฐ๐ต ๐ฎ๐บ ๐ฎ๐ฐ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ณ. ๐ ๐ฐ๐ถ'๐ณ๐ฆ ๐ซ๐ถ๐ด๐ต ๐ฏ๐ฐ๐ต.
โ โ โ
Once I had gotten to my cell, I immediately summoned Asmodeus in distress. Without a host. And like always, he appeared immediately; his eyes โ two tranquil candle lights.
"She is not my mother, Asmodeus. Your stars are lying to you. Check again. You've made a mistake."
"๐ผ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐ ๐๐ข ๐๐๐."
The darkness responded.
Again I shook my head, poor brain flopping from wall to wall of my skull, blunt distress progressing to a throbbing headache. "But you don't understand," I nearly pleaded. "It'sโฆjustโฆlike, howโฆ? I meanโฆfor one, there is absolutely ๐ป๐ฆ๐ณ๐ฐ resemblance. I saw none whatsoever!"
"๐ด๐ข๐๐? ๐๐๐๐ ๐ ๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐ ๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐ ๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐ ๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐ข."
"Of course I reject the truth. How can I accept something so preposterous? It's ๐ช๐ฎ๐ฑ๐ฐ๐ด๐ด๐ช๐ฃ๐ญ๐ฆ. It is plainly ๐ช๐ฎ๐ฑ๐ฐ๐ด๐ด๐ช๐ฃ๐ญ๐ฆ."
"๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐ ๐ข๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐ข๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐."
"What mistake am I making?"
"๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐ข ๐๐ ๐ ๐ ๐๐๐๐ ๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐."
I sighed. Then groaned, for the sigh did not express my frustration well enough. "This isn't arithmetics, Asmodeus. This is my life. And you can't just throw your little brainy quotes at me like they're going to make me feel better. They don't. And what you're doing right nowโit's not funny. I don't like it. It bothers me, can't you see?" I gaped at the calmly burning lights. "Say something! Don't simply stare at me with those solar eyes of yoursโฆ"
The eyes flickered playfully, as if laughing at my grumbling.
"๐ฟ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐, ๐ถ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐. ๐๐๐๐ข ๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐."
โ โ โ
That night I slept more than I was used to. Usually Asmodeus 's lust would keep me up for long hours until eventually I'd pass out for an hour or two before ๐ฅ๐ช๐ฏ๐จ ๐ฅ๐ช๐ฏ๐จ would wake me up for next day's Lauds. But for his lust I needed a host, someone to hold on to. And when in rare occasions I conjured him without providing a body, we held discussions. Then he'd leave, and I would pay off my sleep dept.
This was that rare occasion.
๐๐ณ๐ฐ๐ฃ๐ข๐ฃ๐ช๐ญ๐ช๐ต๐ช๐ฆ๐ด, ๐๐ฆ๐ฏ๐ฆ๐ท๐ช๐ฆ๐ท๐ฆ. ๐๐ฉ๐ฆ๐บ ๐ข๐ณ๐ฆ ๐ฆ๐ฏ๐ฅ๐ญ๐ฆ๐ด๐ด, he uttered and was gone. And because I was exhausted, with a headache that exhausted me even more, and with the body that was sleep-deprived for weeks now, I did not notice how I drifted off to a dreamless dream were, strangely, I could only smellโฆraspberries? and hear a female voice singing a lullaby. Surprisingly, I remembered it, for it sounded familiar.
"๐๐ฎ๐ฉ๐ฎ๐ฎ๐ฉ๐ฎ๐ฎโฆ ๐๐บ ๐ฃ๐ข๐ฃ๐บ, ๐ค๐ญ๐ฐ๐ด๐ฆ ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ๐ณ ๐ฑ๐ณ๐ฆ๐ต๐ต๐บ ๐ฆ๐บ๐ฆ๐ด,
๐๐ฎ๐ฉ๐ฎ๐ฎ๐ฉ๐ฎ๐ฎโฆ ๐๐ถ๐ด๐ฉ, ๐ฅ๐ข๐ณ๐ญ๐ช๐ฏ๐จ, ๐ด๐ญ๐ฆ๐ฆ๐ฑ '๐ฏ๐ฆ๐ข๐ต๐ฉ ๐ด๐ต๐ข๐ณ๐ณ๐บ ๐ด๐ฌ๐ช๐ฆ๐ด,
๐๐ฎ๐ฉ๐ฎ๐ฎ๐ฉ๐ฎ๐ฎโฆ ๐๐บ ๐ญ๐ฐ๐ท๐ฆ, ๐ฅ๐ฐ๐ฏ'๐ต ๐ง๐ฆ๐ข๐ณ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ ๐จ๐ญ๐ฐ๐ฐ๐ฎ๐บ ๐ฏ๐ช๐จ๐ฉ๐ต,
๐๐ฎ๐ฉ๐ฎ๐ฎ๐ฉ๐ฎ๐ฎโฆ ๐๐บ ๐ข๐ฏ๐จ๐ฆ๐ญ, ๐ ๐ธ๐ช๐ญ๐ญ ๐ฉ๐ฐ๐ญ๐ฅ ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ ๐ต๐ช๐จ๐ฉ๐ต.
๐๐ฎ๐ฎ๐ฉ๐ฎ๐ฎ๐ฎ๐ฉ๐ฎ๐ฎ๐ฎโฆ
๐๐ฎ๐ฎ๐ฉ๐ฎ๐ฎ๐ฎ๐ฉ๐ฎ๐ฎ๐ฎโฆ"
๐๐ฆ๐ช๐ณ๐ฅ, I thought, replaying the lines while I scrubbed my teeth to powder. ๐๐ฆ๐ณ๐บ ๐ธ๐ฆ๐ช๐ณ๐ฅโฆ
โ โ โ
That day (with the permission of the abbess) I visited Valeria right after I had completed my morning duties. It had been nearly a month since my last visit, and I felt terrible for it. But I thought showing up even after such a long break was better than not showing up at all.
Valeria received me with joy, of course, though when I asked about the update on her case, all joy evaporated. It was still pending, she said, with more useless witnesses being questioned, with more unnecessary facts being brought up, and more time passingโฆ
And out of all the things, time was that one cruel thing that had imprinted on Valeria the most. She did not look her usual self. The fire in her eyes had faded, her hair had lost their fiery luster, thinned and now tied into a dirty ponytail. Her skin had yellowed, her nails were all but anxiously bitten off, and her voice faltered often.
"I'm so tired, EveโฆI hate it here."
"I know, ValโฆI'm sorry you're in this situation. And I am sorry I did not visit you for so long."
"NahโฆNo biggieโฆI know you're stuck in your own prison, so." Val attempted a haggard smirk as she waved off my apologies. "How's it there, by the way? Golden girls still breathin'?"
Golden girls was a name we had given to the three oldest nuns, Agnes, Martha and Susan.
"Still do, girl. In fact, they're into badminton now."
"Je-e-e-e-ezโฆlike they should. But I'm glad. No deaths?"
"So far โ no. Thankfullyโฆ"
"That's good. Here people die like flies. Just recently two girls overdosed. And the other two from my cell passed from a viral infection."
"God, Valโฆinfection? What infection?"
"No idea. Something that attacks the lungs. Those two sighed a lot in their last days, and couldn't clear their throats for shit. So yeahโฆthat. I mean, it's cold here, so. Man! I swear I never get lucky with them heaters, huh?"
"Fuck, and you? How are you feeling? You have to be extremely careful," I fretted. "I'll get you a blanket. Two blankets. And socksโฆyes, socks. Two pairs. Right? What else should I bring? What is allowed?" When Val only smiled at my uneasy muttering, my worry deepened. "I'm serious. You have to watch out. Be cautious. I can't afford to lose you."
"You won't," was her simple reply. It relaxed me, even if only the slightest bit.
"Okay. Good."
"Blankets and socks would be lovely. Nothing else. Well, maybe a book?"
"Oh, okayโฆwhat kind?"
"Anything that's not about Jesus. I've already read my bible here cover to cover." She joked. Or at least I thought she joked.
"I'll look for something. Anything else?"
"Nothing else. Thanks, boo." She winked, fire sparkling in her dull eyes. "So what's up withchu?"
"Well," I stretched, "apparently my mother is not really my mother."
"What do you mean?"
"Like, she's not my biological mother."
Valeria grimaced. "Whatโฆ? Then, who is?"
"Rosalyn Jackson."
"Bullshit." She spat. Another sparkle, for longer this time. She loved the drama. I was happy to excite her. "Who told you that?"
"A well-wisherโฆIt's a long story." I cut it off so to not bring too much attention to Asmodeus. "All there is to know is that now I don't know what to believe. I'm so confused."
"Well this is just fucking bizarreโฆwhat do you think? Do you feel like you're related?"
"Not one bit."
"So then there you go," responded Valeria.
"Intuition is key here. You can't fuck up mother-daughter bond."
"YeahโฆI guess you're right."
"Althoughโฆ" she stretched, momentarily lost in a private thought. "You never know in this fucking world we live inโฆanything is possible."
I gawked at Valeria, unnerved by her last words. "โฆRight."
"Ask her," she suggested. "Straight up. Tell her everything and see what she says. You'll know for sure then."
"MmโฆI don't knowโฆshit."
She shrugged. "Couldn't hurt. At least you'll know the truth." Another set of words that tensed me up.
She practically quoted Asmodeus. But I knew she was not possessed by him. Nothing would be able to possess this girl. It was 100% Valeria, applying her own tongue to voice her frank opinion.
"True. Well I guโ"
"Time is up." The prison guard announced, breaking my train of thought.
Valeria sighed, gave me a tight smile. "Gotta go." She got up. "Hey, um...Thanks for stopping by. And...until next time, sista'."
"I'll bring the blankets. Stay safe!"
She waved and was gone.