[music recommendation: Dance of The Tea Leaves by Riley Lee]
I had gotten back to the monastery around 3 p.m. Worked and prayed some more. Then rummaged through our scarce winter reserves for some socks and blankets for Valeria, packed ๐๐ง๐๐ฅ๐ ๐๐จ๐ฆ'๐ฌ ๐๐๐๐ข๐ง, and finally tried approaching sister Rosalyn but could not find the nerve to face her with the question.
Did she know?
Or was she as oblivious about having a daughter as me having a mother?
Noโฆhow can that be? How can you possibly be oblivious of giving birth to a human being!
Or...?
It drove me insane. So all I could do was speculating, and by the time I had found her, I could only waste time on stalking her like I had done the day before.
I hid behind a Maple tree and goggled at her like a dumbfounded chicken while she serenely snipped dried vines off the greenhouse. And like before, while lost in my chicken thoughts, I was caught by her observant eye.
"There you are," she called out. I shuddered from the chicken land back to the present. "How was your visit, dear?"
๐๐ช๐ด๐ช๐ต? ๐๐ฉ๐ข๐ต ๐ท๐ช๐ด๐ช๐ต? ๐๐ฉ.
"Itโwas good." I clucked, stepping out from behind the trunk.
"I'm glad. How is sister Jeanne holding up?"
"ErโโGood."
"Any news on her case?"
"ErโโโA little."
"And how are you feeling today? Everything is alright?"
"Erโโโโโyes, ma'am." It's like I couldn't even speak in the presence of that woman, turning to a retard each time I stared into her serpent-green eyes.
She approached me slowly, gardening gloves covering her long hands, scissors clicking in her slender fingers. ๐๐ญ๐ช๐ค๐ฌ-๐ค๐ญ๐ช๐ค๐ฌ-๐ค๐ญ๐ช๐ค๐ฌ, the sounds grew louder as she drew closer. ๐๐ญ๐ช๐ค๐ฌ-๐ค๐ญ๐ช๐ค๐ฌ-๐ค๐ญ๐ช๐ค๐ฌโฆ
When she halted, her tall figure towered mere inches away from mine, so close that her cool woody scent stuffed my nostrils to the brim. I swallowed.
"Well, ๐จ๐ฐ๐ฐ๐ฅ, Genevieve." Her eyes burned into mine so intensely that my throat shriveled; I couldn't even swallow when I had to. "So long as you are happy, I am happy. Now, if you'll excuse me. I have a few errands to run." Her smile was warm. "We will see each other shortly, dear."
I think I mooed something in response.
Her hand softly brushed against my shoulder when she walked off, rooting me to the spot, like that tree behind me, for a good minute.
I stood immobile, salad of unspoken words stuffing my mouth, mishmash of thoughts polluting my head. The probability of her being my mother was soโsoโโsoโฆ.unnatural. So unnatural that it seemed frightening. Chills ran down my spine.
And who could I vent to about it? On whose shoulders could I put all this weight?
I bumped against the Maple trunk, nails digging into cold bark, head leaning back, dull gray eyes watching bare branches sway like anemones in tune with a crisp February current. I reflectedโฆ
How much shit have I bottled inside for all these years? How many opinions? How much fear, or joy? Or curiosity? Worries and questions? And now thisโฆsister-fucking-Rosalyn. Vivienne? Divinity in black. A nun. An actual nun. Mother. ๐๐บ ๐ฎ๐ฐ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ณโฆMine?
Bottling it up inside was getting more and more difficult, as I felt so overwhelmed by my life that, if I withheld even a small triviality, my bottle would surely burst to microscopic shards. I had to get it off my chest immediately, speak to someone to let off steam.
But who? Valeria? Well, she had already given me her piece of mind. Speak to her, she'd said. As if it was that easyโฆMaybe to a wildfire like Valeria it was, but meโฆ
And othersโฆthe thought of discussing any of this stuff with any of the nuns felt the least comfortable.
It was just a nasty habit of mine, a heavily conditioned habit, to be afraid of voicing my mind in fear of immediate abuse, as all that I had ever said to most people throughout my life was reprimanded, brutally rejected either verbally or physically.
A stunningly blue jay landed on one of the higher branches. Another blue jay landed near it. They cuddled, twittering so beautifully it was nearly music.
๐๐ฐ๐ฏ๐ฏ๐ฆ๐ค๐ต๐ช๐ฐ๐ฏ. ๐๐ถ๐ฎ๐ข๐ฏ๐ด ๐ฏ๐ฆ๐ฆ๐ฅ ๐ค๐ฐ๐ฏ๐ฏ๐ฆ๐ค๐ต๐ช๐ฐ๐ฏ.
Now I needed that interaction, that face to face, that eye to eye conversation. To see the other person's understanding face. Their consoling nod and their words of solace.
I watched the birds, their friendly assistance of feather cleaning and beak picking and worm sharing.
Valeria was good at itโฆ๐๐ฉ, ๐๐ข๐ญโฆ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ ๐ธ๐ฆ๐ณ๐ฆ ๐จ๐ฐ๐ฐ๐ฅ ๐ข๐ต ๐ฃ๐ฆ๐ช๐ฏ๐จ ๐ข ๐ง๐ณ๐ช๐ฆ๐ฏ๐ฅ. ๐๐ต ๐ด๐ถ๐ฑ๐ฑ๐ฐ๐ณ๐ต๐ช๐ฏ๐จโฆ
I observed the birds until the first one flew off and the other followed suit. I pushed myself upright and walked away as well, driven to act by pure desperation.
โ โ โ
I found sister Dominique on the third floor, making greeting cards together with sisters Lorraine, Alice, Claudia and Nancy.
It was around 5:30 p.m. by then, and the setting sun drowned their workspace with light of pure gold. It was too peaceful to disturb the women's beautiful ambience. ๐๐ฆ๐ต ๐จ๐ฐ ๐ฐ๐ง ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ ๐ฑ๐ฐ๐ฐ๐ณ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ช๐ฏ๐จ, I caught myself considering, but then I thought of Rosalyn Jackson and my anxieties aggravated to a sizzling degree. My cup was, indeed, filled to its very brim.
I stared at Dominique's silhouette: her eyes narrowed, lips sucked it, back hunched over the table, habit sleeves rolled up neatly, hand moving steadily slow tracing intricate patterns: she was concentrated on her craft. A true nun, I admitted.
Seeing her emerged in work, I was ๐๐๐๐ close to walking away, but I just could not ๐ฏ๐ฐ๐ต to.
"Sister Dominique?" My voice was so small I wasn't sure if I had said anything.
But I did.
Her hand halted, brown eyes shifting to mine. "Yes, sister? Did you need me?"
I nodded yes. "If you're not too busy, of course. Otherwise, it can wait." ๐๐ฐ ๐ช๐ต ๐ง๐ถ๐ค๐ฌ๐ช๐ฏ๐จ ๐ค๐ข๐ฏ'๐ต.
"Oh, no I'm not. I was just finishing up. What do you think?"
She held up a card with a drawing of a lily wreath and more spring greenery around the edges, a lilic ribbon vining through the flowers and glimmering stars sprinkled at random to fill remaining emptiness.
"Oh, wow! This is terrific!" It was true.
Converting imagination to reality was clearly her forte. Precisely why I chose to bother ๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ณ.
"Many thanks! This is going to be one of our seasonal designs for March."
"Right."
"For the Annunciation of the Lord." She added.
๐๐ด ๐ช๐ง ๐ ๐จ๐ช๐ท๐ฆ ๐ข ๐ฅ๐ข๐ฎ๐ฏ. "Right." I pushed out a thin smile.
We regarded each other momentarily.
"So, how can I help?" Her smile was wider than mine, and unlike mine โ sincere.
"Right." I repeated absentmindedly. "Iโerโwas wonderingโฆWould you come down to the parlor with me? I suddenly got this ideaโฆ"
"Oh? What idea?"
"WellโฆIll be honest with you. I find the place awfully dull, and the spring is right around the corner, right? So I was thinking ofโyou know, to kindaโyou know, liven up the space a bit?"
"Alright?" Dominique nodded, her cinnamon irises swirling with interest.
"SoโฆI had a couple of concepts for decoration, but I am not as creative as you, soโmaybe you can give some advice?"
"Goodness! That's wonderful!" The nun clapped her hands joyfully. I actually winced at the abruptness of her joy. "I love decorating! And funny you've asked! I was ๐ซ๐ถ๐ด๐ต thinking of bringing more color to the monastery. Like you've said, to liven it up."
"Correct."
"You're right. The interior is rather on a duller side. We should spark more color. Pastels! Pastels would do wonderfully, wouldn't you agree?"
๐ ๐ฆ๐ข๐ฉ, ๐บ๐ฆ๐ข๐ฉ, ๐บ๐ฆ๐ข๐ฉ...I thought. ๐ ๐ฌ๐ฏ๐ฐ๐ธ ๐ฉ๐ฐ๐ธ ๐ฎ๐ถ๐ค๐ฉ ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ ๐ญ๐ฐ๐ท๐ฆ ๐จ๐ฐ๐ช๐ฏ๐จ ๐ฃ๐ข๐ญ๐ญ๐ด ๐ฅ๐ฆ๐ฆ๐ฑ ๐ช๐ฏ๐ต๐ฐ ๐ข๐ณ๐ตโฆ
"Pastels. Rightโฆ๐ฆ๐น๐ข๐ค๐ต๐ญ๐บ what I had in mindโฆ" ๐๐ฐ๐ต.
"You know what?" She beamed. "I think it's a brilliant idea! Let's go!"