"Lis-an, please come back."
I took off running out of the tree. Usynlig had a hard time catching up to me. As soon as my feet touched the outside ground, my speed increased. Tree limbs bent as I pushed my legs to keep moving. My guilt clawed at my chest, telling me that I was the cause of all of this.
There's a book, on one's thoughts and subliminal messages that states, that the thoughts we continually put out into the world will eventually come true. Whether they be good or bad, they will come back to us one day. And as a child tired of running and hiding I was frustrated. When my mom would deny me things, like going outside the cabin to play or going to the market with dad, I'd often have bad thoughts. I questioned why we were even fighting so hard to live in a place that clearly didn't want us.
Then, one night after giving me a new batch of my medicine, I fell ill. I was vomiting and continuously passing out. I could barely open my eyes or control my voice. Pain throbbed through my body as I screamed out for my parents to help me. In a moment of clarity, I was able to peek open my eyes slightly. Mom and dad sat by my bed. Dad cradled mom as she sobbed, asking why do things have to be so hard?
Then I heard the one sentence that stuck with me forever.
She held my dad saying,
"Sometimes I wish she was never born."
They didn't know I was awake, and I didn't want them to. I chalked up the pain in my chest to be just another side effect of the medicine as tears fell down my face. Just for a second, an intense thought appeared in my head, stating clearly and loudly that I wished we would all just die. Die and be done with this life. And I prayed for it to be swift.
Now, after seeing how desperately my mom was trying to keep me alive, I was filled with shame. I should've known better than to just jump to conclusions. I strongly felt that I was the cause for their deaths. I put it out there, and it came back for me.
I stopped running, hearing a soft voice humming. I looked around and saw no one. The forest was vast, and I had no idea where I was. Everything thing was different. I couldn't spot the large tree or the underpass anymore, but I didn't care either way. I wanted to be alone. I wanted to be swallowed up by my self-pity.
"Mm-hmm, uh-huh, uh-uh." An airy voice hummed, but this time sounded a bit closer than the last time.
I listened in on the voice letting my feet follow the beautiful sound. It was leading me to a thick bushy wall of colorful leaves. I stepped closer, reaching my hand out to touch one of the leaves. As my finger made contact, the bush shuffled, creating a little pathway for me to enter through. I was hesitant. I looked back from where I just walked.
"How do I know I can trust this?" I spoke out lowly.
"Young one," I heard a voice whisper to me.
I quickly turned around, searching for a person. But I was still alone.
"Who are you?" I looked around frantically.
"No need to fear child. Allow us to show you a wonder." A wind blew past me and into the opening of the bush.
I shook my head. I shouldn't just trust everything that speaks to me, but I was curious.
Branches stretched down, pushing me towards the bush. I stepped forward, slowly entering through the doorway the bush made. On the other side was a field of purple flowers, both light and dark ones mingled together there. The air was constantly moving, but it wasn't aggressive. It smelt sweet and brought a warm feeling to me. Ahead I could see a woman kneeling in the middle of all the flowers. She looked to be a bit older than Usynlig. She wore a pearl white dress that went down to her ankles with a golden braided rope tied around her torso and waist. A long bronze shawl was draped over the back of her hair, twisting over her shoulders and down her arms, still having enough fabric to match the length of the dress. Her tanned skin was deep and flawless. It looked to glitter with gold when it caught the sunlight. Her hair was as dark as night, with golden string wrapped around several pieces of her curls.
"Child, do you plan on staring all day, or will you join me?" She stood up, smiling my way.
I shrugged, not knowing what to do. She softly laughed, making her way to me.
"Let's start again. My name is Daeva. What is yours?"
"It's Lis-an." I looked up at her, noticing that her eyes were a light purple hue.
"That is a beautiful name. One derived from your parents' names." She lightly touched one of my curls that squirmed in the wind.
"I see why the trees have taken a liking to you. You are a half-breed. Part witch, part wolf, all wonder."
I backed away.
"It's okay child, I mean you no harm." She gently smiled.
"But how did you jus-"
"From a name, I read the lineage from which you came. With a touch, I can read your story, but as much. And yours my darling, was quite a sad one for the onset." She shook her head giggling.
"Onset?"
"Don't think that your story is already over. You still have a long way before then." She bounced my front curls.
"Walk with me." She took my arm in hers.
"Are you a fortune-teller?" Her body felt weird. It was like she vibrated with energy.
"No, not quite. I am merely a caretaker of the fields here, like Himzavaick. I maintain the energy flow of the forest, making sure to nurture every living being that resides here." She put her hand out, letting a gust of petals dance around it.
"That sounds tiring." I tried to be careful not to step on the plants.
The flowers seem to move and create a path for us to walk.
"I don't think of it that way. It is quite taxing, but as long as you love what you do, it never really bothers you how much effort or time it takes to complete it."
She looked to the sky and I envied her, wanting to know that kind of bliss.
"Your eyes are bothered, tell me what has you upset?" She tapped my hand.
"Nothing really."
I could hear running water splashing against rocks. I looked ahead, seeing mist rising from a cliff.
"You see, it's that kind of thing that has your energy all knotted and blocked. You can't keep bottling all your emotions up. You have to release them and let the healing process begin. If you keep holding onto what hurts you, it will only leave more scars." She pointed at my chest.
"I don't know how to do that."
"That's okay. I will show you." She halted, showing me an amazing view of the forest.
From up here, I could see everything. Himzavaick's tree, deers and boars, running around, and birds, flying in the clouds.
"There was a time when even I became overwhelmed and frustrated. When that happens, I come here to lease it all."
"But how?"
"You take a deep breath and just scream to your heart's content. Letting it all go. The guilt, the worry, and the anger." She nudged me closer to the ledge.
"Don't think, just feel. Let those feelings show you where your pain stems from."
I closed my eyes, listening to all the dark thoughts that bounced around in my head. Telling me that I was worthless. That I killed my parents, and I wasn't meant to be born. The guilt and shame backed up in my throat. The wall I built to keep them hidden was cracking.
What broke me was the image of my parents happily smiling with me in their arms. I remembered how dad's body heat burned into me as he held me. How mom's hair always tickled my face as it dangled over me.
I clenched my hands, opening my mouth to release a voice I was unfamiliar with. It was loud and loaded with pain and anger. That piercing scream echoed over the trees, scattering the nearby birds. Images of Bertram, Gotfred, Egon, my grandmother, and my parents flashed through my mind. Pushing my screams to intensify. My throat burned, and my chest painfully contracted. My screams morphed into sobs as I fell to my knees. I held my stomach as a wave of nausea came over me. Tears streamed down my face, and I couldn't make them stop. I felt weak and powerless.
"I'm s-sorry, I wish I could take it all back. I'm sorry for doubting you. I'm sorry for hating you. It's j-just," I clenched the grass.
"H-how can I live without them? How am I supposed to?" I softly cried out.
"I don't have all the answers, but I've seen enough to know a few things. Even though the world can appear to be cruel and overbearing at times, it is your job to find the specks of light amidst the darkness. You can't live with your eyes closed, running away from everything. You must open your eyes and allow those beautiful tears to bloom new reasonings and hope within you." Daeva knelt by me, patting my back.
"You, my darling, are destined to accomplish great wonders. But only after you've settled your heart."
"Then what am I supposed to do now?" My voice cracked.
"Grieve for a bit. Deal with the loss, then stand up and remind the world who the hell you are." Her gaze was intense as she held up my chin.
"But always remember you do not have to do it alone. There will be many who will stand with." She stood up walking towards the left side of the entrance.
"Where are you going?" I quickly turned around.
"My energy is almost done. I must rest now and rise again another day." She swirled around with the wind.
"Be warned, not everyone who will stand by you, will be with you. Many trials await you. Face them head-on." She sat on the ground, curling her knees up to her chest as she rested her head and arms on them.
"Wait! What do you mean by that?!" I ran to her.
"Her blonde hair shines with flames. Be careful. If you get too close, you will be burned." Her body morphed into a boulder, with the sharp ridges creating her curves and outlines.
"Daeva?" I touched the rock.
It vibrated with the same energy as she did, but now her warmth was gone.
"I will do as you say. Thank you for the advice." I bowed to her, remembering her words very clearly.
The wind blew past me and to the entrance of this secrete place.
"I got the hint. I'm going." I left feeling like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.
I walked through the trees trying to evaluate my thoughts. I thought that I was over the pain that came with the death of my parents. But I guess I was wrong. I don't think I'll ever get over this sense of guilt. It will probably always be with me. But it doesn't have to paralyze me. It's hard because I know what is wrong with me. I just don't know how to fix it. I'm alive because two people who loved more than their own lives decided I was worth saving. Maybe I didn't cause their deaths, or maybe I did. Either way, their passing will not be in vain. I will become stronger. And I will make it through my transformation because I have a legacy to uphold.
"Lis-an!" Usynlig came running to me.
"Damn it! Don't go running off like that again. I was worried you fell into a crevice or something." She hugged me tightly.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you worry."
"I still have a child to raise, so please don't cause me to have a heart attack now." She smacked my arm.
"Sorry."
"How are you doing?" She wiped my cheek with the back of her hand.
I heard Daeva whispering in my ears.
If my mom trusted Usynlig, then so must I.
"Not good." I took a deep breath, trying to stop more tears from coming down.
"I feel so vulnerable right now, and I hate it. I'm-" I broke down again.
"Hey, it's okay." She tightened her arms.
"I know I shouldn't blame myself for their deaths, but I do. If I were strong enough, I could've saved everyone. I hate how they lied to me and kept all these secrets. I hate that I hate them! They left me, and now I'm just supposed to move on? I am just a kid." I sobbed into her chest.
"If I give up now, everything that they have done for me would be for nothing. But how am I supposed to do something great when I don't even know who I am?"
"Don't worry. In time, you'll discover the true version of yourself." Usynlig softly cradled my head.
"You are far stronger than you believe. If you wanted to, you could change the world, or you can hide from it. Either way, I will be by your side, supporting you." She kissed my temple, pulling away to clean my messy face.
"Lis-an, I promise you that I will help you as much as I am able to. I'll teach you everything you may need to know. What you do with it is your choice. But don't think that you have to do some grand scheme to prove your worth. You are already enough just as you are." She bopped my nose.
"You think so?" I looked up at her with glossy eyes.
"I believe so. You, me, and Aadhirai are going to make one crazy little family."
"Speaking of which, where is she?" I sniffled.
"Himzavaick is looking into her past. I wanted to know where she got ahold of the black magic materials. They don't have those available at the coven, so someone must've given it to her."
"Who would do that?"
"I don't know, but they can't be good. Anyways, let's head back to Aaddhirai. I'm pretty sure she's fussy right now and getting on Himzavaick's nerves." She giggled.
"Yeah, I bet he's yelling at her to shut up." I lightly laughed.
Every day it feels as though I'm running out of time. That I need to be rushing towards the finishing line. But what awaits me when I get there? Does it all end? The pain, the fear, will they disappear once I cross that line?
"Lis-an, this way." Usynlig called out to me.
I nodded, walking back through the trees.
"The name he called you earlier, is that your birth name?" I looked at her.
"No. It's a name Himzavaick prefers to call me. I believe it means beautiful flower or at least something close to that." She shrugged.
"Usynlig?"
"Yeah?"
"Were there ever moments where you hated your mom too? For leaving you like she did." I looked down at my hands, hoping I wasn't poking at any old wounds.
"For a long time, yes." She deeply sighed.
"It was as though she chose her studies over me. Or at least, that's what I believed at the time. I couldn't see that she was fighting for a greater future. My small-minded thinking caused me to feel anger towards my mother." She smiled to herself.
"It wasn't until I met someone who opened my eyes to everything." Her smile grew.
"Was it the same someone who made you that chair?"
"Yes, it was. But that story I will save for a different day." She chuckled.
Hmm, so it looks like I'll have to wait a bit later to find out that about mysterious chair ex-lover.
"Were you able to save her findings?" I looked around, seeing if we were closer to the tree, spotting it about a few yards away.
"Most of them. I will use it to pass on my mother's knowledge to you and Aadhirai."
"Which ones are missing?"
"She had the books numbered from one to three hundred and twenty. From what I could remember, it was book one twenty-eight. That's the only one I couldn't find. I don't know what's in it or why someone would only take that one. Or maybe my mom just got reckless and misplaced it. Who know." She shrugged.
So only one book is missing. If her mother was able to keep the rest safe, then I highly doubt that she would just go and lose one. Something tells me that there is more to this story that even Usynlig doesn't know.
"Did she ever allow anyone besides you to see these books?"
"Um, I don't believe so. But then again, that wasn't exactly my favorite time. I was going through a bit of teen angst and resentment. I didn't spend as much time with her as I should have towards the end." Usynlig sighed.
If anyone knew about these books, they must've been close to Usynlig's mother. But what could be so important in just that one?
The sounds of thunder brought me out of my daze. I peered up, seeing Himzavaick's trees pulsating with a purple hue.
"What the hell is happening?"
Usynlig's eyes widened. She took off, running towards the tree. I followed in after her. Inside, Himzavaick had Star in his hands as a hazy scene played out behind her. From what I could make out, the other person standing with Star was wearing a black cloak and mask. Star was kneeling on the ground crying and covered in bloody mud. She looked up to the mysterious person as they approached her. From beneath the cloak, a pale hand reached out to her. Caressing her cheek. Then their right hand slithered out with a black book that looked worn out and dirty, and handed it to Star. That unfortunate girl held it in both hands like her life depended on it.
"Himzavaick, can you tell who that is?" Usynlig stepped closer.
"No. Whoever they are, they never reveals their face."
"Look at their right hand! There's a birthmark on their wrist." I pointed out.
The birthmark was in the shape of an arrow that seemed to curl around their wrist.
"Jacintha, do you recognize it?" The gnome looked at her.
"No." She grunted in frustration.
The gnome stopped the scene and swatted away the mist. He wrapped Star up in a her blanket.
"Halfling, take this child and head up the stairs." He handed the baby to me.
"Why?"
"I need a word with this one here." He scowled at her as Usynlig avoided his gaze.
"I prefer to stay with Usynlig." I stepped closer to her.
"It's best you do as he says." She put on an "it's okay" kind of smile as she patted my back.
I shook my head.
"Fine, then put these over the infant's ears. No use waking her with this nonsense." He handed me a pair of earmuffs.
I slipped them onto her little head.
"Damn it, Jacintha! I don't ask much from you. The least you could do is tell me the truth! You're child? What a joke." He exploded at Usynlig.
"I'm sorry."
"Who the hell do you think you are? Playing God like this. Do even comprehend the repercussions that come with a spell that heavy?!" His voice, laced with anger and worry.
Is he talking about Star?
"I do." She kept her gaze fixed to the floor.
"Do you?! Cause you're acting like it's no big deal." He paced around.
"I know it is okay. I know. I do, and I've got it handled."
"Jacintha, what a fool you are." He looked at her with disappointment, clearly plastered on his face.
Tears weld up in her eyes as she turned away.
"I don't think what she did was bad. She saved Star's life." I jumped in.
"She didn't tell you what a spell like that does to a caster's body, did she?" He kept his gaze on her.
"No, not really. Why? Is it bad?"
"Its damaging effects are permanent. There is always a cost to what you do."
"Damaging effects? L-like what?" I glanced over at Usynlig.
"To save this wicked juvenile, she sacrificed her future child's life."
"Usynlig?" I gasped, still not getting the full picture.
She fell to the ground sobbing as she clutched her stomach. I looked at Star sleeping so peacefully in my arms as a nauseated feeling swept over me.
What did we do?