His fingers trembled. Why did their father write this? Why did it sound like something bad was going to happen to them?
After finishing reading the letter that was written in such slobby handwriting, Gu Xiao slumped his head down. What would happen if this sea of words and untold feelings flooded his head?
It was like this heavy waterfall that had been filling him up for years was slowly drowning the last empty expanse in his body. After that rush of happiness, the dried memories of everything he had lost suddenly pushed through.
At that minute, Lan Yuning stood up and dragged him up. Without warning, Gu Xiao's body, which was hung low on the table, suddenly flung up.
"Lan Yuning?"
"Miss Lu, Gu Xiao isn't feeling well, so I'll take him to the infirmary," he informed and immediately pulled him out of the classroom.
"Alright," the teacher said, but the two had already disappeared. Since it was coming from Lan Yuning himself, they knew he was probably sick, not just trying to skip class.
Gu Xiao's mind was still cluttered, but he gazed at the hand wrapped around his fingers. A rush of déjà vu brushed past him, but he didn't say anything except stay silent.
This time, Lan Yuning was the one pulling him, and instead of holding his wrist, he was holding onto his hand. Both of them remained silent.
...
When they walked into the infirmary, Lan Yuning pushed him onto the hard infirmary bed and covered him entirely with the blanket, leaving him to see nothing but darkness.
Thankfully, the blanket was thin, so it didn't suffocate him completely, and some light still made its way through.
"Lan Yuning...?"
"...You..." Lan Yuning said. "Why must you keep smiling even though there is nothing to be happy about? There is nothing wrong with crying."
Gu Xiao froze, and they could hear not even the slightest breath of the two.
He blinked slowly and pondered on those words as darkness surrounded him.
He pondered and pondered until his mind started numbing and rotting into nothing. That question stabbed his heart deeply into a wound that was already ripping apart.
The truth was, Gu Xiao was afraid. After reading that letter, he was even more afraid. When he watched his father's back so battered, all the images of him coming home bruised and beaten up stirred within him.
Although he may have been mad at him at times, his father probably had it worse than anyone else. He didn't know why, but all the memories before and after the divorce resurfaced, walking their way through the gaps in his heart.
The feeling of seeing their mother get married to someone else and restart with another family while their father just kept sinking and sinking.
When they stayed over at their mother's house for Chinese New Year, their mother and her husband treated their stepbrother so gently, while the two other children sat alone at another table in another room. But not once did any of them complain, because it was better that way.
Although he never expressed it, staying with their mother was suffocating, despite how warm she treated them when they were alone together.
There was this thick barrier between them and He Rong when they were at home. Gu Heiyu absolutely despised him with a burning passion. It was easy to tell, judging by how she would glare daggers at him.
While their mother married someone else, their father had no one to help him. It was a rush of guilt.
No matter how many mistakes his father made, no matter how disheartened he got when he saw his father's state, there was never once a part of him when he hated him. He couldn't hate him.
Gu Xiao never admitted it, but when their father didn't come home for days, he was so afraid that he had gotten into an accident and disappeared without anyone knowing.
He was always afraid their father would disappear, and this stubborn boy would regret not saying anything.
He was afraid that the next time he would see their dad, it would be the same scene as their mother, where everyone was dressed in black, except the only one there would be Gu Heiyu and him. Because their father truly didn't have anyone around him anymore.
Maybe that lady he was seeing would stay with him, but these feelings constantly fluctuate.
Within the quiet infirmary, the white sheet that covered Gu Xiao started trembling.
Gu Xiao closed his eyes, hugging his knees close to his chest and burying his head within; he let his tense muscles loose.
Lan Yuning sat on the chair silently, and perhaps he shifted a bit, but Gu Xiao's head wasn't sure anymore.
Gu Xiao remembered something from the letter. How stupid. His dream of wanting to be a lawyer died out when he was in primary school. How did their father still remember it?
Without warning, a tear spilled from the corner of his eye, and spilt out, pouring from the depth of his heart.
His back shook from each sob, coming in like waves that pounded his head with a throbbing ache.
This unbroken stream that had been whirling and filling itself in his chest had finally overflowed and leaked. Yet, these inexplicable emotions were not stemmed from sadness. Instead, it was gratitude.
It was only then did he realise how much Wu Fei's words brought him discomfort because they directly pierced the target, layering over his spirit.
[Sometimes, all I need was just a sentence. Something so simple was so hard to receive. Did you know that? Gu Xiao, did you know? When I know I can't do this, or I can't do that, sometimes I just want to hear the sentence, 'You're doing a good job'. But no matter what I do, it would never be enough. Because, Gu Xiao, you were always ahead of me.]
Why did Wu Fei's words appear in his head? He quickly discarded these memories and stifled his tears.
Although their family relationship may not have seemed normal to others, he would do anything to relive his life with their father and mother again, and even his sister.
He seldomly missed being in a house where they were together, but now, he wanted to see them all again.
Even with his father's mistakes, he never once left them. He still came back home, no matter how dishevelled he was. He still came back home to fix the broken door. He still came back home to clean the floor and fix the crooked rugs.
Although they may not exchange such words other than a simple nod when they got home, it was still comforting. Just that one sentence that he never knew he needed this much, which others might find pathetic, was enough.
It became apparent that as one grew older, the less praise they received.
When an individual was three and they painted their family with more than five colours, they were rewarded with stickers and stamps.
When they were thirteen, and they won a competition, they were rewarded with a small meal and a toy.
But once they reached seventeen and were struggling to achieve anything notable or to even fit in with their peers, no one would offer a hug simply for making it through the day.
Soon, once they became twenty, or even thirty, pulling long hours at work or just quietly living, no one would ask if they were alright.
Without realising, they began to wonder if there was a point to all they had lived through.
How childish they all used to be. Everything had risen to his head. Looking back to his friends, he never would've thought that this would be the outcome when their high school years were gradually closing in—that one would become so pompous, one would remain a fool for another's sake, one would disappear without a trace, and for one to become so detached with themself.
It was true that he ran away, as He Rong said, but that was the only way for him to feel better. It was the first time he wanted to do something for himself.
Thinking back, he had been destroying himself for so long that he was afraid of running away. And he might have done that all for nothing.
Now, within this room, the broken radio that sounded at random intervals, the metallic clutters of the broken air conditioner, and the sobs from the hoarse voice filled the school infirmary.
Gu Xiao's memories wrung his heart. He buried his face behind his knees and convulsed in a hysterical fit of shattering and inaudible tears.
What he thought at first would just be a couple of tears suddenly became an unbroken torrent that soaked through his sleeves.