The two started eating, and Gu Xiao would first chew slowly, ensuring it was edible, before chewing it normally.
"How many people have you dated in the past?" Lan Yuning asked.
Gu Xiao coughed violently and looked at him with eyes rounded. "I didn't understand the concept of dating back then! And it was also because I didn't take it too seriously— wait, no. That sounds more worse when I say it than what it means. I promise I'm not like that anymore..."
Lan Yuning didn't respond and kept eating silently. In a peculiar sense, seeing how distressed and anxious Gu Xiao looked right now made him somewhat lighter. It was quite funny seeing how hard he was trying to redeem himself.
"Then... do you have a person you like now?"
Lan Yuning instantly regretted asking that question. If Gu Xiao said 'yes' to that question, then what would he do? He liked him. But for Gu Xiao, to like another man had probably never crossed his mind.
Lan Yuning kept his eyes on the table, and seldomly found the chance to peek up at the other, but when he did, Gu Xiao would be looking at him with those tender eyes.
"I'm not sure."
Just hearing him confirm it without pondering stirred the heat within his chest to rise to his head as his heart started thumping louder and louder. Lan Yuning's grip on his chopsticks tightened even more.
"You're not sure?"
Gu Xiao rubbed his neck. Despite the weak lights, the redness flushing his face couldn't be concealed by the night. The jagged edges of a shard of glass pricked Lan Yuning's heart.
"I don't know. I guess I've never really liked someone before so I'm not sure what exactly it means to like someone. What does it feel to be attracted to a person?"
"Are you asking that to me?"
"Yes. There's no one else here," he chuckled.
"Um..." Biting the edge of his chopsticks, Lan Yuning allowed his clouded thoughts to lurk through the gaps of his head before responding, "Maybe... you can feel vulnerable with them. You feel that you can share your happiest moments with them without feeling that what you say is a waste of time to them. And that when you're having a hard time, you feel like they will not judge you for what you're struggling with... and just having their presence calms you, even if they say nothing to you."
It was Gu Xiao's face that drew him in. Something he could see deep within those clouded eyes. Not that he thought there was the slightest chance Gu Xiao could ever romantically like him even a little bit, he was fine like this.
Even if he wanted to take a step closer to Gu Xiao, he could only imagine it leading to despair. This distance. This friendship. That definite source of warmth. Lan Yuning was fine with this.
Perhaps it was good that he decided to start this conversation. Now, maybe he knew a little of where he stood in Gu Xiao's life.
"Maybe to like someone means that you love the person who stands before you. Not for their past or future self, but for the present. You like the way they smile and laugh about the little things going on in that moment, and not for who they would be in the future or how they used to act in the past. It's good to consider the past as how they have grown into the person as they are now, but it shouldn't impact the way you see them."
Lan Yuning was unsure why Gu Xiao hadn't asked him about the candy he gave him or even the strange words he said to him while he was sleeping.
If it was anyone else, this behaviour would immediately weird them out. Not hearing Gu Xiao ever mentioning what happened in that classroom forced waves of anxiousness to crash his mind.
"What if they treated you really badly in the past but said they would improve their behaviour?"
"I would have lost all feelings by then."
"That's true," Gu Xiao said, drowning in his train of thoughts as he stared outside the window.
"If that's what it feels to like someone, then I must really like them," he chuckled.
Lan Yuning lifted his head up, only to meet the same dazzling smile of that boy. Even though he said he was going to be fine with this distance, it hurt. It stung his heart with an intense complexity of emotions to hear Gu Xiao confirm it out loud with such gaiety.
"I just realised that I've never seen you talk about yourself that much. I feel like it's always me just rambling on."
"I think I've rambled on quite a lot tonight."
Gu Xiao stared at him in silence and let out an "Oh" with hints of realisation in his expression. "I think this really is the first time I've heard you speak for more than two minutes."
As Lan Yuning glared at him, Gu Xiao instantly shut his mouth. It was true that he was a boring person. His life was pretty self-explanatory.
Now that Lan Yuning thought about it, what exactly were his desires in life? People had places they wanted to go. They had things they wanted to see that they would work their whole lives for it. But what exactly did he desire?
No, he knew what he wanted. But he couldn't attain it because his life and future had already been constructed by someone else.
"Then, how about what you want to do in the future?" Gu Xiao asked.
His future had already been set out for him. He knew his father wanted him to take over his company.
In his father's eyes, that was the reason for his existence. This would've been his answer every time someone asked about his plans for the future, but it appeared those words refused to leave his mouth when Gu Xiao asked him.
"I'm not sure."
Gu Xiao raised his brows and said, "Really?"
"Is that weird? I... don't even know what I want to do, but everyone thinks I do."
"You're making it sound like once you choose something, that's it for the rest of your life!" he joked.
"I see you doing something like..." He stared at Lan Yuning's face and slowly nodded. "Something in the arts? You draw pretty well."
Gu Xiao probably wasn't even aware of how those words were like a needle pricking him. To do what he wanted. Was it that simple? To live up to his family's expectations, to live up to others' expectations, to live up to society's expectations, to ensure the future was stable, to ensure what he studied branched to stable pathways, securing job offers, ensuring that in the future, he would live a comfortable life.
Sure, his life might be comfortable, but would he regret everything? The moments before his death, would he regret everything he wished he had done? Would he regret not saying anything?
It was funny how his father was already disappointed in him, yet he was still trying to live up to his expectations. Would he regret not doing reckless things before his life would be over? And that it would be too late to try anything anymore since there was no more time left.
Then, would he regret not ever telling Gu Xiao his feelings? This was something he feared the most, yet also avoided confrontation to.
"...If you were me, what would you do? If you had something you wanted to do, but you couldn't because the profession isn't acceptable in your family, then what would you do?"
He knew his mother wasn't anything like his father, but he was still afraid of disappointing her. Before she was so supportive, she was the one who he didn't want to disappoint the most.
"I'm probably not a good person to ask that since I don't listen to others. But if that was the case, then I'll probably just do what I want to do. Let's just say, I keep doing what my parents tell me to do, then later on in the future, they pass away. Look, now they're gone."
"In the end, I'll probably be in this position where I feel lost and disoriented, and I wouldn't know whether what I'm doing is the right thing or not because there's no one to tell me what to do anymore. If the only thing keeping me from staying in the job that my parents told me to do was to satisfy them, then what will I do once they disappear? I definitely wouldn't feel happy anymore."
"So that's why I think, if you have the chance to chase after what you want to do, then you should probably chase after it. Because in the end, you should be someone that you are proud of, instead of trying to make others proud."
If he was to do whatever he wanted, his father would probably faint from overheating. There was a time when he felt like it would all just be a mistake if he was to wander down his own path.
If he was to make a minor mistake, everyone would become disappointed in him after that mistake since he was perfect for his entire life. Perfect? Was he ever perfect? They labelled him as perfect. But he never thought that word fit him.
There were too many imperfections in him that, at one point, he started using those words as violence against himself, constantly reminding himself every day how flawed he was.