I closed my eyes and I fell asleep soon after. I’ve slept for hours and I know that I’ve only been sleeping to avoid everything but by the time I woke up it was only six in the morning. I can hear movement outside and know that my mom was getting ready for work. I sat up as I ran my fingers through my hair when I heard her pause for a second and I wondered if she heard me, but she didn't come near my door. I got up, finally deciding that I should try to go to school today. I had to try for my mom. I waited until she left to step out of my room and grabbed something to drink when I saw she left a note on the fridge saying that it was fine if I couldn't go to school, but I know she would rather I do. I washed the dishes after I ate then went back to my room to grab my clean pair of clothes and took a long shower.
What am I going to say to him? Would I be able to face him as well? What about the rest of the day? If I can't enter my first period, how can I be able to go to my other classes without being afraid of talking in front of the class, having to introduce myself to people I don't even know, again and again. They would think I'm a freak because I don't want them to shake my hand or when I look away because I can't make eye contact with them. I began to cry as I’m calling myself pathetic for being afraid of something so simple. I promised myself. It was already eight and the school had already started.
I let my backpack fall on the floor as I finally gave up and I sat there trying to calm myself when suddenly I heard the doorbell ring. I used the end of my sleeve to wipe my face and try to compose myself as I opened the door wondering who it could be. I froze when I saw Elliot standing there and for a second I wasn’t too sure if it was him. He looked nervous when he saw me, but gave me a small smile as if he was happy to see me and I wasn’t too sure if I was.
“What are you doing here?” I asked.
I froze when I saw Elliot standing there and for a second I wasn’t too sure if it was him. He looked nervous when he saw me, but gave me a small smile as if he was happy to see me and I wasn’t too sure if I was.
“What are you doing here?” I asked instantly.
Elliot seemed a little surprised by my reaction and cleared his throat. “I wanted to check in on you.” He answered. “You didn't come yesterday and I had a feeling you wouldn't go today.” He tells me.
“And how did you get my address?”
“I asked in the front office since I have some worksheets to give you to catch up on the class.” He said as he took out a packet from his backpack. “I put in some notes to help you.”
I stood there for a second as I looked at him before taking it and shaking my head. “I can't go back,” I tell him and feel myself wanting to cry again. “I tried today. I did.”
“Hey…” He said, reaching his hand out to me but I took a step back and he pulled his hand away. “I'm sorry.”
It was silent between us for a minute and I decided to speak first. “You're going to be late for school.” I remind him.
“I'm not going today.” He tells me. “As I said, I wanted to check on you. I'm sorry about what happened.”
“You don't have to apologize. It was all my fault.” I told him as I took a couple of steps back to let him come in but I kept my distance between us. “Um, you should come in.”
“It wasn't your fault.” He said as he closed the door and moved to sit on the couch. “I shouldn't have pushed you the way I did back there after you told me not to touch you. I didn't know that your condition was that severe or if I had known that you would react like that you have every right to hate me.”
I looked down as I listened and I pressed my lips together as I tried to find the words to say. “But you don't know me and you don’t know about my condition so you don’t know what my limits are. I told you that I couldn't do it. I couldn't even go today.” I said as I covered my face. "I hate this. Sometimes I can’t tell if I’ve gotten worse.”
Elliot rubbed his hands across his lap and took a deep breath. “I’m still sorry… Blame it all on me if that makes you feel better. Please, the way you looked at me after what happened in the restroom, I don't want you to ever have to look at someone like that again.”
“Like what?" I asked him; even though I knew the answer.
“You looked at me with disgust.” He said and he turned to look at me. “And I honestly felt disgusted with myself as well afterward.”
“Why?"
“Because I was trying to force you to say something that you aren't ready to talk about and I’m just a stranger so I shouldn’t have been asking.” He explained. "I hope you can trust me again and if I'm stepping on that boundary again then push me, tell me to stop and I will."
I covered my face as I listened to him and I didn't know what to say but maybe I was still emotionally exhausted. He stayed silent as he watched me cry. I don't know how long it stayed that way, but it felt like the familiar comfort that my mom makes me feel when she lets me express myself when I’m not feeling well. How she lets me show that nasty side of myself that I try to hide every day.
“I'm so tired of this.” I finally said feeling exhausted.
“What do you mean?” Elliot asked and I shook my head not wanting to look at him.
“I want to trust you. I would like to trust you since you took the time to come to visit me, but I just have a hard time trusting people and knowing how to be around them. There isn't anyone that I trust besides my mom and I'm starting to shut her out.” I said as I finally got up and moved to sit on the other couch across from him. “I've been dealing with this for so many years. People scare me because I don't know what they'll do. What will they think once they find out how much of a freak I am? Everyone is always on eggshells around me.”
Elliot presses his lips together before sighing. “Then give me time. I'll try harder and soon you can call me a friend. I hope you'll trust me and I can be there for you when you need it.” He said as he looked up at me.
I covered my face with my hand and it was quiet again until I turned to him. “Can you... can you help me go to school tomorrow?” I asked him.
Elliot smiles and nods, “Yeah, I'll give you a ride in my car. Every day if you need me to.” He said.
I chuckled quietly. “Let’s just try it out at least once,” I said before my smile faded as I cleared my throat. “Just don’t touch me when I say not to… I don’t like that.”
“I know. I’m sorry.” He replied as we both remembered the event from yesterday. “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but do you see a therapist?”
I shook my head, “Not anymore. My insurance couldn’t cover it which is why we moved here… my mom got a job that offers her insurance and it’ll be able to cover for it if I want to continue with it.” I answered and rubbed the back of my neck. “But I didn’t see it helping me when I was going.”
“Don’t take it the wrong way, Michael, but I think you should reconsider that.” He said, taking a quick glance over at me as if embarrassed to suggest it.
I sigh as I shrugged my shoulders, “I know. It feels like it’s getting worse, but I’m just not sure.” I agreed, but I wasn’t planning on seeing one just yet until I get comfortable in school.