Everything's going good until Monday. That's when it happens. I have an episode. I'm walking across the street when I suddenly realize I have no idea where I am. I spin around on the sidewalk looking for a familiar building in sight. Nothing. The traffic is zooming by on the street in front of me, people shuffling by. They bump into me, turning me around and around. I frantically spin around again just to be sure. No, I definitely haven't been here before. What am I doing here? Where was I supposed to be right now?
God. Just when everything was going good. Why does this always happen to me? I feel my heart racing to keep up with the speed at which my thoughts are whirling. I don't know how long I've been out of it. Or what I've been doing in that time.
Oh, no.
Oh, God. No!
This can't be happening!
Why is this happening?
What time is it?
Pulling my phone from my bag, which I've miraculously managed to hang on to; I check the time. It's 12:46. It's a Monday. Without hesitation I dial Emma's number. She picks up after the first ring.
"Hey,"
"Emma," my voice echoes back to me. Scared and unsure. She hears it too, because her next words sound calm in way that's lethal.
"What's wrong?"
"I don't know where I am, or what I've been doing." I inform her and hear her curse under her breath.
"Give me a sec," she says and then there's some shuffling on the other side of the line. I've started to calm down a bit. Knowing that Emma's aware that something isn't right makes me feel better because I know she'll fix it. "You just finished a meeting and you should've been on your way to lunch with Haider by now." She informs me.
Right, the pieces slowly fall into place. I'd had a morning meeting that finished sooner than I'd expected. I'd decided to chase down a friend of the guy I suspect was seen walking down the street that night, the one Emma found for me. I don't remember what happened after that. I tell Emma this.
"Why would you do that without at least telling me where you were going?" she asks. I don't have a good answer for this; I couldn't even attempt to figure it out because I don't remember what I was thinking.
"I've just been doing so well recently, I wasn't expecting it." I say and she sighs a weary little sound on the other end. There's a lot of background noise that tells me she's not in her cubicle.
"Well, your location says that you're across the city from where you and Haider normally have lunch." She informs me and a little more of the haze surrounding me clears. Knowing where I am makes this whole thing marginally better. "Stay put I'm coming to get you."
I hear a voice protest on the background, I don't catch everything they're saying but I manage to snag the words "important meeting" and "can't leave" and "your career." She's about to walk out of an important meeting because I can't keep my shit together for one day. That's not okay. I can't allow that to happen. I won't. "No, Em, it's fine. You're at work, I'll figure it out. I'll call an Uber or something."
"Absolutely not!" Emma sounds more severe than I've ever heard. We have a rule about not running off alone after I have one of these episodes.
"Maybe I can call Haider?"
"Kiera, this says your phones about to die." She says to me in a voice that sounds strained with worry. I know it's taking everything in her to not just walk out of that meeting consequences be damned, and come and get me. I have to convince her I'll be okay without her.
"Then you call him really quickly and tell him where I am." I say but I know that won't work. Haider never takes personal calls at work unless it's me or Zahra. And he'll still be at the office right now because he's always late for Monday lunch.
"Wait, I have an idea." Emma says more to herself than me. I don't like it because I know that I've just dropped this burden on her and she's willing to give up everything she's worked for to help me.
"Emma you can't leave work right now!" I say exasperatedly.
"Do you trust me?" it's a silly question if ever I've heard one.
"Always."
"Good," she says and somehow I can hear the way she's nodding in the tone of her voice. "Stay right where you are." She says and then the line goes dead.
My cellphone battery just died. Shit. If I have another episode right now we're screwed because they're not going to be able to track me down. I'll be alone in the city completely dissociated from who I am, not knowing where I'm going and they'll have no way to reach me or track my movements.
Emma created this app a few years ago that allowed her to see my location and the basic details of my phone like the battery percentage, the last person I called, and my location. It's been a lifesaver every time I've had one of these episodes. But it's no good to us if my phone is dead.
I'm slowly starting to freak out again. I walk over to the wall of the building behind me and lean against it, I tilt my head back and watch the sky. Clutching my purse tight to my chest I take a deep breath in, it feels shallow; like I'm not getting as much oxygen as I need. My head is swimming with questions and possibilities. My lungs constrict with each new what-if scenario I come up with. Within a few seconds I'm gasping for air, and panting. My vision blurs slightly on the edges and I'm not sure if I've started crying or I'm about to pass out. There's a faint ringing in my ears that makes everything sound as if I'm listening to the world from underwater. It's disorienting.
The sun is too bright in the sky, the city to loud at my feet. I don't know what to do or where to look. At some point the thought crosses my mind that this is the worst place to have a panic attack. Nobody around me seems to be noticing but I doubt very much that it'd be a good idea to pass out in the middle of the street. I hope whatever Emma has planned works and fast. Because I don't think I can take this for much longer. I fight down the sensations and force myself to focus on one thing. The noise of the cars around me.
I tune out the rest of the world, close off all my senses and focus on one sensation: sound. The humming of engines whizzing by, the blaring of car horns in the distance, the screech of tires skidding on the street, the angry shouts of agitated drivers. Slowly my mind enhances those sounds, they get louder and more distinct. I time my heart with the noise of each car zooming by, I focus intently only on that. I'm not even sure how long I stand there.
Suddenly, there's a deafening roar. It sounds like something big and fast, and it's getting closer. My curiosity gets the best of me and I look up just in time to see a streak of blue come careening around the corner of the street. The car skids slightly, the back end spinning out a little before the driver rights it and then guns it down the street. Some distant part of my mind acknowledges that this person must do this often because if it were me I would've lost control and crashed into a streetlight by now. Good driver, I think just as the car comes screeching to a halt in front of me.
Its blue, a peculiar shade of electric blue. I've never seen this color on a car before. It's unique and I kind of like it. It suits the futuristic, sporty look. Especially with the way the black accents make the color stand out more. I try and catch any small details, life being raised by cops has made me paranoid. I want to be able to describe the car in case I'm kidnapped. It's a type of Toyota, I know enough about cars to know that. But it's not like any that I've ever seen before.
Just then, the Driver's door flies open and a really big, really blond man comes rushing out. He's right in my face before I can blink. He looks stressed. There's a frown marring his angelic features, his marble forehead carved with lines. His shoulders look tense and when he grips my upper arms and looks me over his eyes are wild. Worried.
It's Connor.
"Are you okay?" he asks and his voice is deep with concern, slightly breathless with exertion.