I don't know where I'm going. I can barely see through the tears in my eyes. Everything's blurry as I stumble through the hallways around the ballroom. I have to find a quiet place; nobody can see me like this. Not after the spectacle I made of myself in the main ballroom earlier.
My heart is in pieces right now. Leave it to Dastan to open up wounds I'd long since forgotten about. It's not like I don't know that I'm a lot to deal with on a good day. I'm fully aware that those closest to me have had to give up things that they value just because they care about me. I've tried to prevent that wherever possible but I haven't always been successful. Dastan knows better than anyone how much I hate being the source of pain to the people I love. I can't believe he said those things.
But was he wrong? No. No, he wasn't wrong. That does nothing to help my hysterical state. I stagger blindly into what seems to be a private alcove. Tugging viciously at the skirt of my dress, I maneuver myself into place so that I'm out of sight. I let go then. Still mindful of the fact that anyone could stumble across me in this state; I keep my volume at a minimum.
I'm wracked with sobs, my shoulders shudder with the force and my face feels uncomfortably warm. I know my mascara is probably running down my cheeks right now and my face probably looks like a splotchy red mess but I can't bring myself to be bothered. What difference does it make if I look as hideous as I feel right now.
It hurts. Everything hurts. I can't stop thinking about how he looked at me. The way his sable eyes turned inky with malice and rage. There was so much venom in his voice and he didn't hesitate to spew it all at me. I'd known that he hated me; I'd been completely cognizant of the fact that he didn't want me around. I even knew to some extent that he blamed me for the deterioration of his relationship with his family and I understood why. I could see how I was at fault for a lot, if not all, of those things. Had I not been too much of a coward to be honest with him about how I really felt three years ago all of this could've been avoided. We might not have been together now, but maybe things wouldn't have been quite so complicated.
But then again, maybe it wouldn't. Maybe it would've been worse. Maybe, I would have ruined it like I ruin everything else and he would have ended up hating me anyway. Perhaps, I would have lost Haider, Zahra, and Zia in the process. God knows I don't deserve any of their kindness. Dastan may have been trying to be intentionally cruel but nothing he said was a lie.
It kills me admit it but I've known for a long time that I'm not a good person anymore. Maybe I never was. Maybe, I've always been this retched, virtueless monster hiding in plain sight. Recently, it's been getting worse, too. I've struggled with it for a long time this beast in my chest that wants to rip and snap at all the good in my life; rending and tearing everything I love in this world to shreds. It's destructive and volatile and I never quite know what to expect. I just know that every time I've given in, it's been bad news. I can never fully trust myself to not destroy things. It's exhausting, I think I might be broken. Maybe, it's beyond repair, I don't know. What I do know is that I'm tired.
I'm so tired. Tired of fighting and getting nowhere, tired of running from myself and the evil inside me, tired of existing. But I'm also selfish, too selfish to put everyone out of their misery. I'd be doing us all a favor and yet, some part of me is still desperately clinging to hope. I guess that's foolish, naive even, but it's kept me alive this long. But is that really a benefit...
I do take up a lot of Haider's time. I know he spends every moment that I'm not with him worrying that I'm somewhere out there with no idea what I'm doing or where I am. Scared and alone. It affects his relationship with Zia, too. He tries to be there for her, he really does. But Zia is a lot of energy and between keeping track of me and running an entire precinct Haider's already stretched pretty thin. He loves his family with all his heart but he doesn't always have time for them. I used to think it was just the job. My dad was the same for a long time. He was never around, and when he was he never had the energy to deal with us. I was old enough then to understand that it wasn't anything I'd done and it'd been okay. Zia isn't old enough to know that.
Am I robbing Zia of the chance at a normal childhood? It wasn't my intention but maybe Dastan is right. What if the reason Haider doesn't have time for Zia isn't the job. What if it's me? The last thing I want is to mess with their family. I know how important family is. The whole reason my life is such a shit show is because mine was taken from me.
I know I've always looked to Haider as a stand-in for dad. He could never replace him but I was comforted in the fact that he knew him best and he loved him just as much as I did. I found solace in Haider's presence because he understood what it was like to lose Dad. But have I been unintentionally destroying Zia's chance at having a normal relationship with her father?
God, I'm such a terrible human being. No wonder Dastan looks at me that way. Like I'm the root of everything vile and twisted in this world. He has every reason to think I'm a depraved, vindictive monster. I think I'm going to be sick. How did I let things spiral out of control this way. It's one thing for me to be burden to Haider but it's an entirely different thing to be a weight on poor Zia's shoulders. She's just a kid, she's too young to understand any of this and by the time she does it will most likely be too late; the damage would have already been done.
I should have known better. I lost my dad; I'd seen Emma struggle her whole life dealing with absence of her father. She'd had to face the reality that he just didn't want her. That wherever he was, she and her mom just weren't enough for him. To think I could be the reason Zia might endure the same thing… My heart clenches. It feels like it's being squeezed by an unforgiving fist.
Losing my dad nearly killed me. I mean losing both my parents was pretty devastating but dad's death hit me the hardest. Don't get me wrong, I loved my mom with all my heart. Dad, though, he and I were different. He was the one person I could always count on, the person I went to with every problem. He always made everything okay with his warm hugs, his gentle smile, and his awful jokes. God, what I wouldn't give for one of his lame punch lines right now. The sad thing is, I'm almost positive that if he was still alive he'd be so extremely disappointed in me. He didn't raise me to be this weak, to depend on people. He didn't raise me to be a burden to people like Haider, and Zia, and Emma.
Emma... God, he was right about Emma too, wasn't he? How much has she really had to give up because of me? Has she really been denying herself the chance at living the kind of life she wants because she feels responsible for me? She's always told me that she'd never see me as a burden. That she wanted to be there for me. Maybe I took that for granted. I never thought about all the things she might be giving up just so she could stay close to me. To protect me. Am I the reason Emma doesn't date? Because I make her life too complicated to add anyone else to the equation.
Am I really such a selfish monster? Have I really been sucking the joy out of the lives of the people I love most? The thought causes a new wave of nausea. Dastan's right. I'm a heinous, despicable human being and my trauma or whatever I've been through isn't an excuse. I can't keep doing this. I can't keep leeching off the people around me. Enough is enough. I need to stop depending on everyone else to keep me sane. It's high time I made a change; I think it's time I finally fixed this mess.