Haider corners me outside the restaurant. To be fair I've been expecting this all night. He grabs a hold of my elbow as we're exiting and drags me off to the side. "We need to talk," he says crossing his arms over his broad chest in a way that makes him imposing. I nod. He takes that as an invitation, "What's going on with you?" I open my mouth to say nothing but he speaks over me, not giving me the chance to fib, he knows me well enough to know my knee-jerk reaction to every confrontation is to bury my head in the sand. He won't allow it. "Don't say nothing, you don't ignore me when there's nothing wrong." He says sternly, there's a frown creasing his forehead and his heavy set eyebrows pull together.
"I've just been swamped at work," I shrug. He raises a skeptical brow but says nothing more. I feel the need to explain myself further. "They've been trusting me with more serious articles and write-ups recently, and you know how I've been stuck working fluff piece since I took this internship. I really don't want to be a cutesy, celebrity pages writer for the rest of my life, you know this. So, I jumped at the opportunity." All of it rushes out of my mouth, spilling clumsily into the space between us. I give another shrug. "I just don't really have the time for much else outside of work." It's a lie. I'm a liar. He knows it. I hate hiding things from him. I suck at lying, in general, but I suck especially hard when it comes to lying to Haider.
It's like he has a built-in bullshit detector. I can see it going off right now. He just keeps watching me with those critical eyes, he really misses nothing. I'm reminded, in this moment, that he used to be one of the best homicide detectives in the city and lying to him is the equivalent of trying to cheat a lir detector.
"Really?" He asks, that eyebrow climbing higher. "We both know you can write articles and have lunch. What's really going on?" His voice softens at the end. I hear it then. The hurt, the sound of how much it's affecting him that I'm ignoring him. It breaks whatever little bit of resistance I had left inside me. There are a lot of unpleasant things I can deal with but hurting Haider isn't one of them. He's one of the few people who stuck by me when everything went to shit. He's the person I go to when I need someone to remind me that all of this is going to be worth it someday. As much as I'm reliant on Emma to get through the day in one piece, I depend on Haider just as much for the emotional support. Emma's great, but she's never been good at being sensitive. Haider understands that there's always more beneath the surface. And right now, he can see that there's more going on here, I'm wasting time lying to him.
"I just can't deal with the fact that I've let you down," I confess miserably, I focus my eyes on a store front behind his head and try to ignore the burning in my eyes. I won't cry, dammit. He looks like I've smacked him across the face and I hurry to explain that I'm not making this his fault. "I know I made a scene at Zia's party and all that bad blood between me and Dastan, I know that's my fault. I can accept responsibility for that. I know how much he means to you and how much you missed him while he was away and then he gets back and you guys immediately start fighting... Because of me. Its not fair to put you in this position where you have to mediate what's going on between us and I couldn't ask you to do that anyway. I just hate that I'm the reason behind all this trouble for your family. So, I just figured the best thing to do was to put some space between us for a while until things calmed down or whatever." I finish my rambling in a great huff, burning out of steam at the end and now I just feel defeated. Broken. I start counting backwards from ten in my head hoping to get ahold of myself before I have a breakdown on the sidewalk outside a Japanese restaurant.
Ten, nine, eight, sev-
"You are my family," he responds cutting off my internal disaster countdown. His eyes are open and vulnerable and I see the acceptance and love he's offering me shinning in his midnight irises, they're lined with silver and I know he's being sincere with me. "Yes, Dastan and I fought because of you. But he's my son and nothing that happens between the two of you will ever change the fact that I love and accept him for everything he is and isn't."
There's a part of me that sighs in relief. I hadn't realized until this moment that I've been horrified at the prospect of asking Haider to choose between Dastan and I. How horrified I'd been at the thought that he wouldn't choose me, that I'd have to make peace with the fact that my stupidity with the Dastan situation had cost me the closest thing I've had to a father in years. Now, I won't have to. He goes on without waiting for me to respond, "But you're important to me too, Sweetheart. And I need to know you're okay." He reaches out and gives my arm a gentle squeeze. His smile is tight, I can tell he's holding back whatever emotion is bubbling beneath the surface and I swallow around the lump in my throat. It aches and I force the words out anyway.
"I'm okay, I promise." I nod, trying to convey as much surety in my voice as humanly possible. It doesn't sound convincing but the must be something in my face that makes him think I'm telling the truth this time because he just nods. Haider's got enough on his plate as it is, the last thing he needs to do is worry about how I'm coping too. "I'll stop avoiding you now, I swear." I offer him a sheepish smile.
He chuckles and then reaches forward and hauls me into a massive bear hug. I wrap my arms around the middle of his bady and bury my face in his chest inhaling the familiar scent of leather and something citrus. I've always felt safe with Haider, there's something about the warmth and steadiness he gives off that's so grounding to me. I draw strength from him, and I know I'm going to be alright. As long as he sticks around, I'll be okay. Maybe it'll never be good, but I'll get through it because I know he'll help me.
"We should do lunch tomorrow." He says with a final squeeze before setting me back on my feet. It's an olive branch, a chance to mend broken bridges and all that and I hate that I have to turn him down. I actually really want to go to lunch with him. I've missed him.
"I can't tomorrow; I've got a lunch date with a source for an article." I tell him, the look he gives me makes me want to dig a hole and go lie down in it. Forever.
"Another lawyer," his voice is serious but his expression is playful. I hate Emma so much.
"About that," I look away, suddenly shy. "I'm sorry that happened in there." I rub at arms awkwardly.
"Sweetie, I've known Emma long enough to recognize when she's intentionally causing trouble." He gives a warm, fatherly smile "Its okay, I don't judge."
I nod unsurely at him and attempt a smile. He senses my hesitancy, and gets a mischievous look in his eyes, "But I do think we need to have 'The Talk'." he adds stone-faced.
"Oh, my God!" I think I've blushed more tonight than I have in all my life. "I'm so not having this conversation with you! I'm going now." I basically shout before turning away and making my way over to where Emma and the others are waiting. Haider's boisterous laugh follows me but I don't turn around, just plant myself next to Emma as she finished up a conversation with Anne and Zahra. Dastan's carrying a sleeping Zia in his arms and I track his movements as she shifts from foot to foot while he waits a few feet away. He's not paying attention to anything, he seems distracted. Lost in thought, as he absently strokes Zia's hair. He looks so much like the old him, the one I remember, in that moment that I have to physically stop myself from going over there and lying my head against his broad chest and just letting him hold me and make everything feel okay.
I shake off the thought. That would not end well and he's got a girlfriend now. One who's currently making plans with my best friend for the group of us to go out to watch a show on Broadway before Anne goes back to London in a few weeks. That's got disaster written all over it. But I find myself agreeing when they ask if I'm in. I can't help but want to be nice to Anne, she's struggling with this situation just as much as I am and I think maybe I recognize a kindred spirit in her. I mean she seems nice enough, what's the worst that could happen.