I leave the hospital parking place, and then head to the mall with John.
I haven't done any shopping in a long time and then, if I go home, I will get depressed about Alex's absence.
"You can't have done better than me! I pulled a bag of marijuana out of a little girl's gut! »- I say convinced, smiling with a proud face while I give him a quick glance.
"I pulled a pencil out of a patient's penis!" - He beats, while I open my eyes wide, feeling bad of missing it.
"Damn it! "-I complain. Why don't such extraordinary operations happen to me? I love helping people, but it sometimes gets boring, even though it gives me a great satisfaction to make my patients feel better, even if they have just a simple headache.
«Yeah, but then he found out I'm gay, so he left with the pencil...» - he begins to tell the truth, but I cut him off and don't let him finish with a grimace of annoyance on my face:
"I'm not interested on details. »- I hasten to say with a disgusted expression.
When extreme cases happen to me it's nice to deal with them, but then certain images remain imprinted on my brain terribly.
"That's what I thought. What are you going to buy? "-he replies with a confused tone.
"I don't know, I need a lot of things, and Alex too. If it was for him, he would wear the same shirt every day, so I'll find something he likes. »- I explain to him with a tired expression, then he nods at my words and then gets out of the car few seconds later.
Fortunately I can find anything close to the hospital, from supermarkets to clothes shops, at least I don't have to go far to buy a pair of underwear.
I'm already exhausted by my job and if my asshole man could help me it would be everything simpler.
As soon as we enter the mall, a smell of french fries invades my nostrils, making me stop immediately and look around in search of the source.
"John, we can eat something first." - I beg him, while I am already heading towards those delicious crap close to the entrance.
"But we just ate." - he rolls his eyes, but follows me anyway, while I try to make him feel bad for me.
"I understand you want to go back to Andrew as soon as possible, but we haven't spent any time together for a long time. »-I remind him with a low voice.
He looks at me with tenderness, then nods and ruffles my hair, making me understand that I've convinced him.
"You are right, princess. "-he adds few seconds later.
John is definitely my best friend, even though when I met him I thought he had a crush on me and didn't understand he was gay.
Lately we really haven't gone out frequently, even if we see each other every day in the hall of the hospital.
I let myself be pampered by him, but I walk away when my attention is captured by something else: a fantastic 'five cheese' pizza.
It's difficult to find it in Australia, indeed, not even in America, so I ask the cashier to bring everything to the table with a forced smile in my face.
I'm hungry and tired, so I decide to take a seat at the closest table in front of the counter, followed by my friend, who tries to ruin my spare time again: «Lately you eat like an ox."
He watches me with confusion, but I just stick my tongue out and wait for my fourth snack for today.
"What's up with Andrew? »-I ask him to change conversation before I start feeling guilty for abandoning my diet.
"He's the usual bipolar."-he shrugs, then continues-"He wants to start boxing with Alex. He thinks he's Rocky Balboa, lately. "
I laugh at his words, convincing my self that Alex would've told me about his new hobby as Andrew did with John.
"At least you'll have a muscular guy, right? "
He always complains about Andrew's thin body, so I don't understand his problem.
Alex rarely goes boxing, without even warning me, but I understand it from the fact that he comes home sweaty and with stinky legs.
"Yes, but I hate violence." -I nod at his words, reminding myself of John's phobia. I also hate violence. But not the one Alex uses against my body without my body without hurting me.
"Are you coming to the primary's birthday tonight?"-he asks few seconds later, making me nod again.
I want to maintain good relations with my colleagues, especially with the head of the general surgery sector.
"You reminded me to buy a dress. "-I admit.
"He said it'll be an elegant party. »- he implicitly suggests me to avoid sportive clothes.
"Yeah, there will be lots of overbearing rich people. »- I complain as soon as I realize I shouldn't have accepted his invitation.
"I like those kind of parties, they make me forget I'm living in a crappy little apartment next to a smelly butcher's shop. »-this time my friend complains with a tone full of anger, but I know he doesn't really mean it. He loves his tiny house.
I bite into my giant slice of pizza in silence as I spontaneously think back to Alex. This morning I felt guilty for not being able to talk to him about Juliet yesterday, also because I didn't even have the courage to talk to her, letting her go to school after an awkward exchange.
I should find a solution... Together with Alex of course, hoping he won't decide to leave me alone in Sydney and go back with his daughter to his parents.
After being satisfied and less hungry than before, I get up from the table and take John by his hand to drag him with me to the closest shop.
The first thing that comes to my mind is to buy a pair of underwear, but as soon as I hit the shelves my attention is caught by a pair of black lingerie.
I keep glancing at them, pretending to check for a bra of my same size.
I bite my lower lip and take advantage of the fact that John has moved away, to throw them inside a dark envelope: I will never have the courage to put it in front of Alex, but something pushes me to buy the suit anyway.
I quickly step between the hanging clothes, starting to check for something to wear. I don't hate short dresses, I just think they look bad on me, so I often end up deciding to wear long dresses.
Apparently John was expecting it, in fact he anticipates me by blocking my way and with a black dress in his hand, whose length I can't see at first glance.
"What are you doing? »- I frown at my eyebrows.
"Today I'll tell you what to buy, Clara." - he looks at me with a threatening expression, and then holds out his dress.
"It's not vulgar, is it? - I try to find a confirmation in his face.
"No it isn't, but I already know you'll think it's too flashy. Go get changed in the meantime." - he advises me, so I follow his instructions: the dressing room is very uncomfortable and it takes me some time before I go out and look in the mirror.
From John's gaze I understand that he admires this dress, but as soon as I turn my eyes to my reflection I get very perplexed.
The hem of the dress reaches my mid-thigh, making me feel suddenly naked: at least I shaved yesterday morning, otherwise John would have shot me right now.
I make a disapproving face, trying to convince myself I won't absolutely buy this!
"I don't look like a prostitute, do I? "
"No, Clara, it's just that you're used to walking around in wool sweaters and knee-length Pippi-style socks, so you don't know what it's like to be sexy. »-I pout after his words, making an offended face:
"Asshole! "
"Now I understand why Alex is pushing you away. "-he adds soon after trying to hide a smile.
His words really hit me.
I stare at my shamed image in the mirror and it is enough for me to understand that perhaps the exaggerated one is me: Alex left his family in America, his friends, only to follow me and be close to me.
I shouldn't neglect myself, at least to make him understand that I want to be beautiful for him, that I love him so much that I want to seduce him.
After all, he chose me instead of all the suitors who wanted to spend their lives with him ... who wouldn't want him as a boyfriend?
Suddenly I feel guilty, but at the same time angry with myself: I am almost thirty years old and it is the first time that I have put on an elegant dress, so adherent to my body that it highlights its shape.
Not that I like my body, on the contrary, I gained a lot of kilos lately , but I feel like a ... woman.
And the idea of being seen by my man in this suit drives me crazy and I can't wait to see his expression.
I bite the inside of my cheek in order not to sink my teeth into my lower lip in front of my bastard friend, who breaks the silence again:
"I know you like it. Go pay it before you change your mind." - I nod slowly and still not sure of what I'm doing, and then go back to the dressing room.
"I'll find you a pair of heels! "-He yells from the other side, most likely earning a few dirty looks from the saleswoman, who has been looking at us sideways from the moment we got in here.
It will be a long evening, also because I have to convince Alex to accompany me, but I already see it as an impossible undertaking, given that, in out of seven work parties, Alex accompanied me in just one of them, and only because I had deceived him, telling him that we were going to dinner at Andrew and John's house.
I reach my friend with the dress inside the underwear pouch, and then reach the men's area.
My eyes take on a heart shape as soon as I notice the sweatshirts in order: I love the sweatshirts that Alex usually wears, also because I always end up wearing them myself as pajamas.
And he doesn't complain, on the contrary, once it escaped from his mouth that he thinks I'm tender with his clothes on, but he gets very angry when I wash myself with his shampoo.
'I don't want you to have my perfume on .'- he says every time I ask him why, but only to hear him say it more often.
I grab two gray sweatshirts and a red one, then head to the cashier, followed by my friend, who only holds a pair of sunglasses in his hand.
"Did you come for a pair of glasses?"- I try to distract him not to let him notice the lingerie.
"I just came to have a chat with you. Besides, the glasses are for my Rocky Balboa." - I laugh at his words, and then give him a light slap on the arm.
But he clears his throat before I could even reply:
"And don't think I haven't seen it."- he raises a corner of his mouth, giving a quick look to my underwear, while I blush, cursing him mentally.
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