Was there ever a replay button in your life? The one that always play when you're in the shower, or during the nights when it's cold?
Well, I had the most replay button that kept playing for years.
At first it was humiliating for me to remember and I'd scold myself because of my stupidity.
Then, it just became funny. I laughed when I recalled it.
I remember that if anyone asks me the question, 'what was your most embarrassing experience?', I'd answer 'I don't know'.
And I did didn't know at that time what was the most embarrassing experience since I don't recall something worth it for people to say that it's truly an embarrassment.
Though, there was one time, I was around four or five years old. I was in nursery. And there was just this boy, who I thought was the cutest in class (at that time, now that I think of it i seem to have bad taste in boys).
One day, I overheard that he was talking to this girl and he was laughing. I don't know what came over me but I felt—different. I guess it's only when people have crushes who knows why.
And the day after when I finished taking bath, I told my Yaya Gina that I like this boy in class.
She said that it's a crash.
Being a five-year-old kid, I didn't know what that was. I wasn't interested to know what that was. I just knew I liked this boy.
And so Yaya Gina explained to me that it means when you like someone that's called a crush.
And I was like, 'don't you like my dad? So does that mean you have a crush on him?'
And they say, kids give you hard time.
Well, she said it was different. I didn't quite get why but all that then concerned me was, 'so what am I going to do now?'
'Confess' She says. 'Tell him you like him.'
And that was the day I made the most stupidest decision in my whole entire life and that was listening to her advice.
That day, I decided to collect all my courage. I saw him, my first crush, sitting alone on the floor.
I was happy since I could obviously tell him my feelings with nobody else bothering us.
As I approached him. He looked at me. His eyes, I could tell, were looking at me weirdly.
His lips moved and he blurted out. "No!"
But I was stubborn, my body insisted to move closer so I did. And he said the same word only stronger.
"NO!"
He moved back.
Take a step closer, he moves a step backward.
This went about another time, and at that point, my heart can't take it any longer.
I stormed out.
I felt pain.
It wasn't heartbroken because during the process it was only my pride that got hurt.
I walked out muttering my confession that was now traveling somewhere with the wind.
I tried to confess, and it was a failure.
That day I learned to never ever confess again.
Not everyone will like me.
And most importantly, that boys will always be boys.
Next time, I'll fall in love. It'll be with a man—my man.
Note, this happened for about a decade ago, and I can't recall everything well. But this was what I remembered.