I watched as each day passed and how the seasons transformed from winter to summer in the blink of an eye. I watched in awe , as the snow fell and the children danced with light and hope reflecting in their eyes. I watched as families poured in on the sunniest days , trying to find the best spot to have their picnic. I sat on this same bench, In this very spot , with a dull , murky lake outstretched in front of me , Trees towering over me and a vast , open field surrounding it all . Wearing the same old raincoat and the same red scarf - One that is nearly identical to the colour of my hair. I sat and I stared every day for what felt like forever. People looked me up and down as they passed , some even cared to ask if I was alright but as soon as I looked at them blanky they instantly turned away.
My face must be quite a scare . I haven't looked at myself in ages , even though there's a chance right in front of me in which I could just take a look at my reflection .
I ask myself if I even want to though . I Honestly wish no one else had to see it either….
It's the fact I still wonder why. After everything. I still wonder why I sit here, I still wonder why I'm still alive and I still wonder why I replay my life every. single. Day. Something that's already happened. In the past - Something that can not be changed . On this very bench , In this very spot. Trying to find the exact moment , when it all went wrong. Trying to find that one decision , that turned it all into a disaster. The precise point where everyone left ; When I lost myself for the first time.
Nothing's really ever changed. It's the same story, an identical one that makes me shed less tears as I reread it . day in , day out. How I'm not numb to the pain yet ? , I'm so not sure how I will ever answer that question and have it read the honest truth at the same time.
I know it won't change no matter how many times I play it over , but there's quite literally nothing left to do.
I say that , but I'm bored now and I'm wasting time.
It's EXHAUSTING.
Just imagine the worst thing that's ever happened to you: play through your head on repeat, without a single seconds rest.
You can only get so bored .
I am fed up and today I will change the rest of my story ; the other side to my story . The part I still have time to change .
Today. I will pack my story up in this very journal ( that I found left behind , by one of the trees ) and throw it in that very lake in plain sight . I will watch how passers stare at me confused. Wondering what changed. I will gape as it creates ripples before my eyes and I will observe how each page gets ruined. Piece by piece. Page by page. I will stare till it's sunk right down to where it belongs. Maybe this is a sign . Maybe it was left for me on purpose.
There's one thing I know for sure . I won't regret it .
Today I will throw my life away like I should've done years ago.