Over the years , people constantly told my mum how lucky she was to have a child so beautiful already. Even people in line - in a store - commented on how other-wordley I looked. It made me the happiest and not to mention , the most stuck-up , vain , little spoilt girl you'd ever come across.
I remember specifically , when I was in a little store that sold lots and lots of cuddly teddies. Small and big , short and cuddly , ones that spoke , ones that rolled around and ones that sung . Pink ones . Yellow ones . Brown ones . Blue , black , purple. Everything you could ever need. This was the shop. Barnies - My favourite store of course ! I still wish to this day it never shut down , I'm sure I'd still feel at home there.
I do wonder how Bill is doing …..
Bill was the owner of Barnies and he had always given me a little lolly in the shape of a heart ,
even when I didn't buy anything , he never forgot me , each time I'd come round he'd call me his little teddy bear and give me a giant hug . Anyway this one time was different. This time , there was a massive teddy on display. It had a red bow and big brown eyes and it was the fluffiest teddy I had ever seen and just as I saw it , I knew it was meant to be mine; however , mum was not a fan of spending £150 on a bear. Yes that's a lot of money but trust me this bear , This one bear was different and I knew I wasn't going to get this chance again. I mean who wouldn't fight for it? So me being stuck up and spoilt , WAILED. I wailed so loudly right in front of the bear and before I knew it , every customer in the shop was staring right at me. Babies were screaming because I was being too loud. Mum's were shoving people out the way to get to the front door. MY Mum was yelling at me for making a fuss and disrupting everyone. And Bill. Bill was beyond furious . His eyes were bulging out of his skull. Red like fire. His lip was trembling and you could actually see the sweat falling from his forehead whilst the tiny hairs on his head were standing up like he'd been electrified. Bill had never been angry with me before. Bill was the type of guy you thought could never be anything but smiley. He was his own teddy bear. Cheerful and always in a good mood. I was scared. This was Bill!!! Bill was mad at ME. I had scared away all his customers and for days the store was left empty. Weeks went by and people passed the shop with disgust thinking there was gonna be shouting and crying if they ever stepped foot in there again. I got a real good talking too from mum that day too , wasn't allowed in there again myself. I was told to apologise but of course I just lied to mum and said I did because I was far too terrified to see Bill ever again. My comfort had turned into a fear. And the worst part? I never got my teddy bear!!!! It was hung in the shop window for no one to buy , even after the shop had shut down!! It really was meant for me!!! I won't let that go. EVER!
So that's where stuck-up and vain got me.
Sometimes I wish I didn't remember.
I wish I didn't remember that once I was happy, once Upon a time I was pretty and I didn't care. I never worried and I felt somewhat…
alive.
sane.
capable.
Here's a little rhyme.
Surprise , suprise...
The light in that little girl had died.
There's no other way to put it. I almost feel sorry for myself .
Almost.