days went on just like that . I continued to see the light in front of the dark ; managed to push away any negative energy as I did . People thanked me for making them smile . Making their day . Simply even for saying hello. What more could I have asked for?- They were truly the best years of my life. Knowing I could help someone else just made me content. Knowing I could see the pain and simply take it away. Knowing that I used my capability to see through people , in the best way possible. I felt like a healer. A hero.
I was so proud of myself. I was happy with myself. As long as everyone else liked who I was and as long as everyone else was smiling , I managed to convince myself that I was too.
I didn't realise how little I knew about myself. I didn't realise I was worthy of that love too. Or if I even was at all. It felt like my job to spread that kindness. It felt like a NEED to make sure everyone was great , I mean how could I let a gift like that go to waste?
While I had that gift I wanted to use it . So I did.
And So I got carried away....
Once I saw one tear it became easier to see the rest. Once I heard one story , it was easier to hear the ones bottled up.
It became too normal to see who wasn't acting themselves. It was simply like walking , to detect the people who put on smiles but didn't feel them. Those extra smiley smiles - Those ones hid the worst sorts of pain.
I soon learnt pain didn't have to be a tear. Pain could be as simple as loneliness. Grief. Frustration . inequality. Pain could be not believing in yourself. Pain for someone could be looking in the mirror. Pain could be the feeling of emptiness. A sickness ; left unexplained. Pain is valid. Pain is hidden. Pain is the biggest secret of all. A secret , most have promised to keep to themselves.
But I could sense it. I could feel it in my chest . In my veins .
It didn't matter if I knew you. If you were my best friend , or my mum or someone I passed by . I still had to make sure I left no one , or else I would have that terrible guilty feeling , that I was being unfair. If I had helped one person why wasn't I helping the other. What if . What if . What if .
"What if I forgot that lady who handed me a tissue earlier "
"What if I forget to wave to the girl who sits alone on the bus "
"What if I forget to text goodnight to my best friend"
"What if something bad happens and I left things on a bad note".
"What if I never get to thank them. "
"What if what I am doing is completely wrong."
- if I just be nice , if I just help everyone , what could go wrong!?
"What if I become clingy and annoying?"
"What if I asked too many times?"
"What if they're fed up with me?"
"What if they don't like me but they're too scared to say something because they keep telling me km too nice?"
It became a cycle .
One I found myself getting lost in with no way out.
It did wonders . It helped many. It convinced me it was great. That I was doing the right thing.
They were happy.
I was glad.
——-
Days passed and I soon came to the realization that something was wrong. Off. Not right.
I was getting tired and I didn't know why. I had been going round in this circle for around 3 years now , so I didn't understand what could possibly have changed.
Later that night I decided to get in bed . I layed down and took one deep breath. - After plenty of sitting with the people who looked lonely on benches , in parks , under trees , while it hailed. in coffee shops and libraries, and wiping tears off people who were stressed around school , in classrooms , in the canteens and in the corner of the field - I had the chance to make a difference and I took every one.
And there I was . finally given the chance to breathe.
Something so necessary for a human being to live ; for me it felt like pure luck . Like the ocean was parting so I could walk through it without getting wet. Like I was picked first . Like I was someone's favourite person.
My curled hair spread out behind my ears , covering the top of my bed , my eyes looked up at the high ceiling , of my cosy little bedroom. There i was .
Thinking.
And that's when a tear tumbled down my cheek.
A flash of cold .
A moment of realization.
Confusion.
Emptiness.
Several tears followed the first….
All rolling down from my left eye.