The Odds Will Finally Smile Upon Me____________________
Gambling. The fast lane to heaven or hell. It's a form of entertainment for all of us, offering hope, despair, and the undeniable thrill of self-destruction. That's what we are—creatures willing to ruin everything just to satisfy our desires.
Sohee shuffles the deck, then hands it to Carrie, who spends another minute mixing the cards to her satisfaction. Finally, she lays out eight cards, face down, on the glossy wood table. Only one kind of card matters now. Only one outcome can save me from this bizarre cycle of dying.
Dying and coming back... It might sound appealing to most people—it's what Qin Shi Huang sought so desperately. But trust me, it's not all it's cracked up to be.
Life is only worth living once, but she stole that from me. The longer I stay here, the less I care about the value of life—especially my own.
Carrie scans her teammates. "Who's going first?"
Shizuka doesn't hesitate, leaning forward to pick up two cards. "I'll go."
"I-I'll go next," Mei says, her hand hovering nervously over the cards. After a long pause, she finally picks two.
Carrie, with no hesitation, grabs her two cards and looks at me. "We're done."
Shizuka nods. "That means the last two are yours, Sunbae."
Right. Two cards left. The only way I win is if they're both jokers. I reach out to flip, It's a simple action, but the weight of it pulls time into a slow crawl.
Hope lingers in moments like this. But what is hope, really? It's the expectation that something good will happen. We cling to hope because we think the world owes us.
But the truth is, nothing belongs to us. Hope only feels good when it works. When it doesn't?
It backfires.
I flip the cards. One joker... and a seven of spades.
Yep. It backfired. And now, that crushing disappointment sets in, pressing me flat against the earth. The world feels a lot darker now. That feeling is back. It's telling me: 'there's nothing to do in this world no more you know what to do and you are not even afraid of it anymore.'
My hands let go of the cards that I keep pinching on.
Carrie lets out a smug laugh. "Hahaha, you should see your face right now. You've got that total noob look." She flips one of her cards with a flourish. "Ta-da! Joker."
The card spins in her hand, mocking me.
Mei nods happily. "W-we did it."
Shizuka slumps back, disappointed. "Hrn... I wish I'd gotten the joker, but whatever."
Sohee hangs her head. "I knew it..."
It suddenly feel like I'm standing in the rain? My chest feels cold, my teeth chatter. Then a warm hand on my arm, and a voice in my ear. "It's okay, Sunbae... failure isn't the end."
Carrie snorts, averting her eyes. "G-get over it. You're like, thirty-something. It's kinda creepy seeing someone that old, sulking."
I sigh. Failure is exhausting. Yet, I don't regret. That's just idiotic.
Sohee's still holding my arm, her touch gentle. And from this angle... I can see her purple bra through the uniform.
"I'm sorry Sunbae, I know how much you wanted to win..."
She's too worried about me. I don't need her comfort I'm doing just all right, but hey, the boob service is nice.
I take out my pill bottle—Death Pills, I call them. Not as catchy as Death Note, but it'll do. As soon as Sohee sees it, she offers me her water bottle again. I pat her head. "Thanks, don't worry, I'd win next time."
Shizuka raises an eyebrow. "That's cute, Sunbae, but you said yourself—there's no next time. Only one round. And school's almost over."
I show her the pill. "Oh, really? I think I'll have my way sooner."
Whatever I do right now, it won't matter because they won't even remember next time we meet.
I place the pill on my tongue, twist the bottle open, and down it with water. Sohee blushes, holding a paper cup…
Gulp.
Shizuka cocks her head. "Uh... how's that supposed to help?"
I wipe my mouth with the back of my hand and grin. "By dying, of course—"
Thud.
________________________________________________
"Sunbae? Are you alright?"
I shake my head, staring blankly at the reconciliation room's door. "Yeah... just wondering when I'll finally win this gamble."
"Gamble?"
How many times do I have to die to draw that double joker?
Who knows.
I watch it all happen again, only to lose again. So I take the pill.
Next loop, same thing, I down it again.
Over and over.
Over and over.
Over.