Slipping Away______________________________
The death pills feel lighter in my hand, and so does my patience. How many times have I died? Three—no, four? I can't remember. Maybe it's because my memory blurs between timelines. Same day, same people, same conversations, same death.
But there's no need to remember everything when you can keep track. Before stepping into the reconciliation room, I spill the pills into my palm and count. Seven left. There were twelve before. That means I've been stuck in this loop five times. Five times I've gulped down these miserable pills after every failure.
No, wait. It's not fair to call them miserable. Without them, my mind would've shattered long ago. So, thanks, Death Pills.
It starts again. Carrie places the cards down, one by one. As she lays the last one, I wonder—is it the joker? Or maybe that one? That one? It's odd, though. Even though everything else repeats, the location of the cards doesn't. That's why I've been having failures.
I bet they're laughing right now. Watching me squirming around the place they dump me in.
And that's okay. In time (I am not even sure what that mean now), she will get bored with this.
After the girls pick their cards, I lean over the table and flip mine, fully expecting another death.
And expectation crumbles before the two cards.
Two jokers.
The girls are as shock as I was. There are no words emitted. We can't talk. But we do know...
That I won.
Yet, I am not.
Because what did I win? Does it matter? I have a sudden epiphany. So what if I break this loop? Sure, I could see another day, meet new people, feel something different. Maybe I'd even celebrate with a Coke. But eventually, she will put me back here, in this never-ending.
All I feel is hopelessness. It fills me like mud, clogging every thought and sensation.
Should a winner feels like this?
Am I still capable of feeling happiness? Because of reliving a time and life?
If this continues, imagine what more will I lose?
Would I still be a human?
——I lost my sight.
My thoughts are spinning out, fading. The world around me blurs like a watercolor painting left out in the rain.
A voice in my head. It sounds like someone who is close to me. Or it is me? They're telling. I can only catch one of them. 'You won't have an end.'
And they are right.
My thoughts of revelation of hopelessness of success of failures, is grabbing me away from the world.
Maybe she is wrong for choosing me to be here.
——I lost my will.
Yet there's something holding me.
I haven't lost everything.
I can hear a voice who is not of my own thoughts.
The warmth.
A soft, warm sensation around my arm. A heartbeat reminding me of the living. Someone's holding me, pulling me back. A voice—gentle, worried, calling me back to her world. She is making a mistake.
Who is this, let me see her?
And so——my sight return.
I look down and see Sohee clinging to my arm like I'm about to disappear. Her voice is shaky, but clear. "S-Sunbae, you're a winner… yet, why do you act like there is none in this room?"
I must've been ignoring her, that's why she is so worried.
I place my hand on her head, the heartbeat in her grip is real, grounding me.
When she tightens her hold, I feel her warmth seep into me. A familiar sensation rises in my chest, slips up into my jaw.
Then the world sharpens.
Now I can see her clearly. What a pretty human.
My lips twitch upwards. Slowly, like a dough rising in the oven or sinking into a hot bath after a long day.
I regain my will to live.
How do I relieve this worried girl who snatched me?
I know she is expecting me to be happy.
And so, I make myself is.
I laugh.
Sohee wipes her eyes with a trembling finger. "S-Sunbae?"
"Sorry, didn't mean to worry you," I say, lying through my teeth. "I just thought of my grandma. We used to play games like this to decide who would do the dishes. I was in silence because of memories."
The other girls shift awkwardly—Carrie scratches her cheek, Mei fiddles with her nails, and Shizuka pretends to be busy with her touchpad.
It is because I didn't say anything after I won, they feel creeped out.
"Is that so?" Sohee chuckles, her voice still thick with emotion. She flicks her tears away when she thinks no one is looking.
Now, I have to continue now that I know I'm still here.
I take a deep breath and hold up my cards. "Hey, look. Two jokers."
The girls frown.
Sohee nods enthusiastically. "Yes, Sunbae. You did it! You beat the odds!"
Carrie slams her cards onto the table, and they scatter across the floor. "I still can't believe it! Didn't you say like it's impossible then why is it possible?"
No one is answering her because it is in fact impossible.
Carrie rolls her eyes. "This... this is rigged."
Sohee slaps the table. "Rigged? If anyone's been cheated here, it's Sunbae. You didn't pick the joker, so what more can you say?"
"STILL!" Carrie's glare hardens, but Sohee doesn't back down.
The tension rises for a solid minute until Mei gently tugs at Carrie's sleeve. "It's okay, Carrie. We made this decision together."
"Tch." Carrie scowls but drops her glare. She locks eyes with me. "Fuck, fine. You won. I'll be your student. Happy? And seriously, why were you being so weird getting a job teaching teenage girls."
I smirk. "Was my silence that loud?"
"YES!"
Even Sohee nods. "It's just… surprising."
Carrie crosses her arms. "No shit."
"Carrie," Sohee scolds softly.
"Whatever... shit, I really want that card, I can't stop feeling scammed." Carrie grumbles, glaring at me before she put herself to her thoughts, "Just wait until next month."
Next month? What did she mean by that?
"So... it's confirmed then," Sohee smiles at everyone, but only I return it. Deep down, though, I doubt it's ever that easy.
But of course, if Carrie is to change, someone else is to.
Shizuka raises her hand. "Actually, I want to change my vote."
Sohee gasps. "Y-you!"
Shizuka smirks. "I'm not bound by the rules, right? Only Carrie is."
She is right, it's only the gamer girl who had to change her decision.
I meet her gaze, matching her confidence. "Don't worry, I know."
Now it's their turn to be silent, absorbing my cryptic response.
Shizuka's about to ask more, but the bell rings, releasing the tension in the room.
Sohee starts counting on her fingers, her voice shaky. "It's still two noes… how is this fair?"
Shizuka lifts her chin, pleased with herself. "Outplayed, huh?"
She said that as if it would be the last world I'd hear from her.
Then she walks out, followed by Carrie, who grabs her earphones without a word. Mei bows to me and gives Sohee a lingering look before softly closing the door behind them.
As if it's the last I'd ever see them.