I woke up with a weird feeling in my chest like something was hitting me and not letting me breathe. I thought it was the decision I had made to tell them the truth as soon as I found them all together and that made me not want to get up.
I glanced at the ceiling of the room and sighed before hiding my face under the inside of my palm. It took courage what I had to do but I knew I would find it as hard as it was. If I delayed it any longer, it could get worse. Besides, they had to find out at last what had happened.
I sprang to my feet and sat up with eyes half open, uttering an exhausted moan. I didn't get as much rest as I wanted even though it was the second night I slept normally. I hadn't been able to get anything out of the experience but at the same time it was like a switch had been pushed inside me. The defenses were up and I didn't realize what had happened or what I had managed to save myself from.
I put on my spare clean suit with slow and reluctant movements but I felt something strange as if my skin was burning. These were exactly the clothes I had worn when the kidnapping took place so it was like I was feeling a repeat of those horrific events.
I made a shrill and very high sound while I tried to throw the clothes off me as if the contact with them only infected me, but I took a deep breath and tried to calm down. I shouldn't have worried them any more. I didn't have to freak them out before they even heard my side of the story.
My hands were moving like crazy on the shirt as if they were trying to tear it but after a few more deep breaths, I managed to stop and have it all under control.
I cocked my body with false confidence and opened the door. I was about to talk to them. Having seen their reaction yesterday, I tried to convince myself that they would be understanding and not react strangely. They would wait to hear me to the end and try to understand me.
Even if that wasn't the case, I felt an obligation to say it over and over to myself so that the words could come out of my lips and not get stuck in my throat. My hands were starting to sweat and my steps were a little heavy but it didn't take long to find myself at the end of the corridor and outside the living room.
But as soon as I took a step inside, I felt my stomach drop suddenly downward into my bowels, and my heart beat slowly and loudly in my ears as if it were filled with blood and ready to burst. Something was wrong.
"Is it true?" asked mum, with trembling voice and tears in her eyes. She held a handkerchief as tightly in her hands as if she were trying to support herself with it. I looked at her in bewilderment, and with the terror making my hair rise like bars.
"What is... ?"I didn't have time to ask her because she got up from the floor and stood opposite to me looking me deep in the eyes with that look I never wanted to see disappointed or hurt by me.
"Is it true?!"She spelled it in a much more threatening tone, and now her hand began to tremble. She seemed ready to burst into tears and shouts at the same time, and I could not make out what had become of her.
The others did not speak, but all looked at me with similar expressions. I went to ask again but mom picked up her phone and showed me a news story. I watched it with my eyes, and felt the weight leave my body and gather all round my feet as if I were about to collapse. The sweat that started running down my forehead was so painful it seemed to scratch my skin.
I couldn't. It was not possible. This could not have happened.
"I…"I started out trying to justify myself.I couldn't tell any more lies and I knew the situation couldn't be saved where it had got to.
"I asked you something!"She was starting to scare me the way her body was shaking like it was about to explode. She wanted something to break but it seemed to crack itself and I didn't know if I wanted to cover myself or protect her.
"...Yeah.."I replied, throwing my head forward. The slap that followed hurt me more than it should have, for it was as if she had given me her answer as to what I had done. She wouldn't accept me the way I was.
Maybe the news from an anonymous source presented me as some kind of monster who had no life and ended up watching the lives of others, but they didn't give me a chance to answer. But I did not ask for it, for I did not think myself to have abstained from that description. That was exactly what I did. I'd ended up going on a field trip just so I could see how they'd go through it! If that wasn't sick then what was?
I think mom was about to hit me again, but dad must have stopped her. I could not see them with my eyes fixed on the floor, but the change in the air gave me just that impression.
I wondered how dad had restrained himself, and had not accompanied her in what she was doing. It would be normal for him to do it. Maybe she thought it would make me human again.
Echi and Chizu did not say a word, but neither did they cast a look at me. The second took the first by the hand and decided to go to school. The atmosphere was very heavy and uncomfortable and the little one had not understood much so it was better not to be in front of what followed.
Perhaps it had been better so, it would have preserved a better picture of me than the one I was showing now. But what I couldn't think of was who knew what I was doing. There was even photographic material that meant whoever it was had been planning this for a long time. It must have been someone who hated me.
The timing couldn't be worse, though. I knew the truth never stays hidden, but I didn't expect it to come out just before I did it on my own. Of course, I don't think they would have reacted any differently even if I had told them myself. There was no extenuating circumstances for what I had done.
And now not only my family knew it in every disgusting detail but also everyone who had access to the local news. I've always wanted to be invisible, and now all of a sudden all the headlights were burning on my face while all eyes were turned on me. But more than anyone, I was afraid to face the members of the club. I didn't want to know what idea they had of me.
"We're going to apologize to all the families before we go to the police!"Dad said harshly as if he had read my thoughts and done it to me on purpose. I raised my face as if about to protest, but the look he threw at me, and the way in which he seized me by the hand, made me understand that I had better keep quiet and go with him. It wasn't that he had kept his temper with me, he was just doing everything to restrain his emotions.
I don't remember much of the visits we made because dad made me bend over on my knees with him while he said most things as I looked like a lifeless doll. That great was my shock. I couldn't see the face of any of them, but that wasn't just my attitude. Their parents wouldn't let them come out and meet us because they thought I was dangerous.
All I did was say "sorry" like some broken record while dad reassured that we would visit the station as soon as we passed all the "victims." He had called them that. I had become an abuser now. I didn't know what other label they would stick to me but I definitely wouldn't like it.
But I couldn't complain about anything when dad was the one who received all the insults with patience and understanding. It was like he was taking all the blame on himself because he had made a mistake with my upbringing and that was crushing me even more psychologically.
I just wanted this to stop, but I knew this wasn't even the beginning and we had to go to the police. I had just left there the day before, and now I was going back. They would certainly think of me being suspicious on that account, and would not spare me a second time.
This time I thought they wouldn't let me go, and if I had enough strength, I might have turned around and started running for my freedom. But I couldn't cause any more trouble for my family. Dad already seemed to have grown abruptly old and tired.
"Why... ?"He began something in a sentimental voice, and all the anger was blotted out of his face as if some one had poured water and flushed. My heart fluttered for those fractions of a second but he finally cleared his throat and put on the same expression again. He probably didn't want to give me hope and try to show me how bad what I had done was and how bad a position we were in.
It broke sharply and I felt my stomach tighten once more within such a short time. What he wanted to say seemed to be still lingering in the atmosphere, but he went out and moved forward. He didn't have to tell me anything to follow him.
As soon as we entered, several heads turned towards us. Some people recognized me from last time's case, but most of the photos on the news. I didn't even look up a bit but I could feel their eyes opening holes in my skin and I really wanted to disappear. Some policeman must have understood at once why we were there, and hastened to serve us.
"This way, please."She told dad, and I immediately recognized that female voice. I looked at her hesitatingly to make sure it was her, and she happened to be looking at me at the same moment. Her eyes pierced me like a swarm of arrows full of disappointment.
I could call it the final blow. After that, I wanted to stretch out my hands and ask them to cuff me. No one believed in me and everyone thought I was a piece of trash and a criminal. What's the point of being out there?
Only dad walked into the police chief's office while they made me sit outside. The whole thing was about me exclusively but I was a minor and they didn't intend to talk to me. Perhaps he also wanted to tell him plainly how wrong it was what I had done without me listening to him. Of course the office wasn't soundproof and I could hear it all.
"You know this is a criminal offence right? You can't just walk away from it just because he's a teenager and he hasn't caused a previous problem!"That's how the conversation began.
Dad listened without speaking while the chief kept adorning me with various cosmetic adjectives and stressing that I must have had some brain abnormality. But at last he began to calm down little by little, only to come to the concluding question which made me want to go in and catch him by the collar. "Are you sure you have given him all the love and attention he needs?You have taught him what it means to make friends?From what you have told me it appears that he considered these people his friends, and their memories his own!"
Oh yes, I had forgotten to mention that dad recognized some of the names of the children I was stalking since I had mentioned them as friends,and learned from the chief that they were all members of the cheering Club, of which I had lied that I was a member.
But I couldn't understand why he would go so far as to blame my upbringing! My parents had no part in all this and had raised me in the best way while they loved me very much! But it made it seem like I had some kind of insanity and living in a fantasy! I don't...! No... Maybe?
"How did you get to this point, boy?" The voice of the policewoman broke the envelope from my startled thoughts, and I turned toward her. She sounded almost hurt. In her eyes it seemed that she pitied me. She looked at me as if she were mourning the lost youth now that I had lost my mind. I wanted to deny it but something inside me kept asking "Was I really crazy?".
I didn't find an answer to her question because I didn't know either. One thing had brought another, and suddenly I had forgotten where I had started.
The office door opened abruptly and made me shiver and find myself on my feet. The look dad gave me, I didn't like it at all. It was melancholic, and he seemed to greet me, but I could not understand what he meant. Something snapped inside me and I held out my hand in an attempt to stop him before he disappeared but he moved away as if trying to stop me.
"You will stay here."It was all he said and turned his back on me. It hurt him too, but I didn't care because even if it hurt, he left me behind! What parent would do that to their child?
"Dad?" I asked, asking for at least an explanation for all this and hoping that I would touch a sensitive chord that would make him stop what was happening. His shoulders clenched and he didn't turn around while he answered because he probably couldn't bear to look me in the eye.
"They'll have you under observation, and a specialist will be in charge of you. There's no other way to deal with your problem."He treated me as if there were no salvation. As if I had reached the farthest point. Like I needed expert help before I caused trouble to those around me.... I was crazy in his eyes.
I couldn't stop him because the shock was too great for me to lift. I was taking the blows one after the other with strange temporal precision and I couldn't figure out what the hell that meant. Had my luck changed? Was this all a coincidence or was there someone behind it?
I could not understand but I would not trust any answer I gave because I was not well in my mind.
"Ryo-kun, will you follow officer Amakiji?" The voice of the chief approached me as if I were mentally retarded and could not understand even the simplest sentence.
But there was something else. Fear that he was dealing with a time bomb ready to explode at any moment with the wrong move. I recognized the last name, and it was only because she was the policewoman who had helped me that I consented to follow her. She was gonna take me to the department psychologist.
It was mostly for victims or eyewitnesses who were in shock but none of them cared about how I felt after the kidnapping. Now he would only ask me about the stalking of the cheering club. I knew it. And I also knew there was no way I'd like it. But again I followed her.
She knocked at the door of the office, and as soon as we got permission to enter, she left me there and went away. So I was suddenly left alone with the psychologist who at that moment was greedily eating his lunch and was smeared in the mouth.
I turned sour, but obediently followed the sign he made me with his hand to sit in the chair opposite him. He looked really hungry and that made me wonder how many visits he was receiving every day.
"Please go on. I can explain the situation to you while you're eating, and then you can ask me."I intended to seal my lips as soon as he would ask me, but I felt sorry for him when it appeared that he was still hungry, but prepared to leave the food even though I had been brought there at the hour of his lunch break. He looked at me questioningly as if he wished to profane that I was sure, and as soon as I positively assented to it, he continued to eat satisfied and exceedingly happy.
He generally had a peculiar appearance. Hair and untidy clothes but a clear and kindly gleam in the eyes that reminded me of Saboru. I was hoping they'd let me visit him and not lock me up in a cell, but I don't think I had much to hope for after what I'd done. Anyway, I began to briefly explain the situation to the psychologist who listened attentively to me.
"They brought me here because I was watching a club's members at school and someone uploaded pictures of me."I was going to cut it here, but he shook his head as if he expected me to add something more."I was afraid to make real friends so I decided to fill the void with some I would see from afar."The more he nodded, the more I said without being conscious of it."I thought I had found the solution. I would have friends without having to hurt or be hurt. Nothing would go wrong. Everything would be balanced. I was watching them and that was enough for me. I even followed them on the school excursion while I never go on excursions."I began to chatter, and I understood that he had finished his food long ago only when I paused and he decided to speak.
"And tell me, was that enough for you?"