His question was so simple and small. His voice was strictly professional when he asked me, and his look perhaps indifferent as he clasped his hands together upon the desk. But I realized how deep he had gone, and that he had succeeded in striking a vein, when I felt something cool and salty run over my flushed cheeks.
I did not even perceive that my cheeks had kindled before, but it must have been the zeal with which I spoke of the guys, and I tried to show them that they were so amazing that I was justified in wanting a life like theirs.
I remained staring at him in a state of shock without being able to utter a word or make any movement except the trembling that had stuck to my lips. I didn't expect to be so affected by a little phrase that was the first to come out of the psychologist's mouth. I was such an open book to his eyes that after telling me he had managed to see into my thoughts and understand my actions?
"... No..."My answer came out like a flame that the air struggled to extinguish for an hour and finally succeeded. I threw my face forward and raised my hands just to wipe my eyes. I didn't like to be seen in such a state by a stranger. It was as if all my defenses had fallen and at that point he could see everything I was hiding inside me. Of course, my darkest secret was already on all the websites so maybe I shouldn't have been so nervous.
It pained me to admit it, but my tongue refused to lie. It was true. It wasn't enough at all. The more I got to know them and see how much fun they were having and how they lived... I wanted to be part of something like that, too.
Besides, those who say man is a social animal must know something. I couldn't last long without associating with others, and it certainly wasn't enough for me to see them all from afar without being a part of them. I've always been a lone wolf, but I used to have some friends. Now I was completely alone and this situation was almost choking me.
"Then why did you pull it so hard?" It was as if he knew exactly what questions to ask to play on my emotional strings as if I were some musical instrument. I bit the inside of my cheeks and avoided his gaze because I was beginning to think it might be his eyes that made me want to speak frankly to him. But again the answer came out of my mouth though with a little hesitation.
"I don't know. When you start.. It's hard to stop."Now I sounded like I had some kind of addiction and needed rehab.
His eyes may not have softened, but they never hardened. It was this indifference in his expressions that made me want to speak, for I knew that he would not judge me for anything I said to him. I didn't even need him to comfort me though because what I had done was wrong and I had to understand it.
"If it wasn't published on the internet... Would you stop?"
"To be honest... I don't know. I certainly would have stopped after the kidnapping and what followed, but I don't think I would have stopped if it hadn't been for all that."I answered him as frankly as I could because I was afraid he had some sixth sense telling him if I was lying. He had managed so easily to find the right questions to ask so I couldn't know for sure what on Earth was wrong with this doctor.
"How do you feel now after the kidnapping?" I raised my eyes to look at him in astonishment. Not only because no one had bothered to ask me that, but also because the answer wouldn't help him in his job. He was assigned to ask me about the whole stalking case, and that was a completely unrelated matter that wouldn't give him the information he needed.
His eyes continued to look at me intently for my answer, and I took a breath before I finally answered.
"Weir. All day I feel like none of this happened and I'm blank but as soon as something happens that can remind me of it, it's like I completely lose it."I have tried to describe that whirlwind which I felt within me, and now he had frowned while resting his lips on his clasped hands thus concealing half his face.
"How do you mean that?" In reply I described to him how I had felt when I had worn the school uniform, and now many thoughts seemed to pass through his mind. As if he were trying to solve the mystery that lay before him and was me. At last he merely smiled to banish any expression from his face and rose from his chair.
"Wait here a moment."He said to me with his smile widening before he left the room. His behaviour had alarmed me. He had a very strange reaction, and all that was going through my mind was that by my last answers he had understood that I was really mad, and was going to tell them so to restrain my movements before I could get away.
My whole body was tight to the point where I thought the skin would rip while my leg was going like crazy up and down without stopping. When I heard the door open again, I jerked forward and turned my gaze thither adopting a defensive attitude. The psychologist's eyes opened in surprise, but then he seemed to understand, and he made gentle nods with his hands to reassure me.
"I spoke to the chief..."He began by showing me the chair again. I didn't trust him. I might have been sitting there and he would have locked me in the back. It was not so difficult, and certainly my lean body could not bear much resistance. "If you don't sit down and relax, I won't tell you what we talked about."He told me with an irrevocable look, and at last I sighed before sitting down thoughtfully in the chair. But I kept being on alert.
He came and sat in the chair behind the desk directly opposite me as he did a moment ago when he asked me the questions. That made me relax a little bit because that's how I knew he wasn't going to try any unexpected moves. But he could have some strong-armed officers on the outside, so I couldn't relax completely.
"I spoke to him about your situation, and we came to an intermediate solution. They won't put you in jail, but you'll do daily community service under the supervision of a police officer, we'll have daily meetings to tell me how you feel, and each time you'll come back here to the station. As you understand, I couldn't do better-..."I had already got up and was about to run towards him and hug him but I could hardly contain myself. I thought I'd go to jail or worse, I'd end up in an institution. That was the best I could ask for. I joined my legs together and bent my whole body as much as I could.
"Thank you very much!"I said in an excited voice, but I didn't let it affect me. It was only after a while that I lifted my eyes again to ask. "Will my family be able to visit me?" if it wanted to, of course. I might have been an outcast after that.
"Of course. Even the criminals have a visiting right."
"And... One more thing... May I ask you one last favor? " he lifted his brow a little irritably. He seemed a man who did not like ingratitude or greed, but I could not help asking him that. It had to be done as quickly as possible. "The boy who saved me from the kidnappers...May I visit him at the hospital?" his expression changed dramatically and he remained a little pensive.
"I'll see what I can arrange with the chief."Diplomatic answer. Neither to give me hope, nor to steal it altogether from my hands. I was grateful to him for that. "Go now and see what you're going to do, and we'll see."He sent me away discreetly, and I smiled at him before I turned the other way. I was about to leave when he cut me off again and I felt like all the life was gone from me. He had done something wrong? He would take back all he had told me? "Come with me."His tone was exceedingly grave, and made me startled, but I followed him. "I don't believe how irresponsible they can be..."
I was not sure if I had heard correctly because quite simply what he said did not make any sense to me but when we finally stopped at the doctor that the department had, it was generally the largest in the city and had all the necessary qualities, I realized that he was referring to the injury in the back of my head and the inadequate care it had received.
In the end, as it turned out, it was deeper and more serious than I had realized, and there was even a risk of infection if we did not get there in time. The worst of it was that after four days had passed since I took it, a thin coating of skin had already begun to come out again which he had to cut off so that he could take care of it, and when it came out again it would be right. It sounds more terrible than it actually was because I couldn't even look behind me but it was definitely in a lot of pain.
The doctor wanted to keep me still for a while without doing anything in case I did not feel well, but I assured her that I felt fine and moved much more when I had received the blow itself.
I didn't want to sit in there anymore and I couldn't wait to see what kind of social work they had chosen for me. When the police officer in charge of supervising me came to pick me up, I wondered if it was fate or the psychologist had arranged it to make me more comfortable.
"Hello.."I said awkwardly not to be rude. The last look she had cast at me still pained me, but now she did not even glance at me.
She positively shook her head with a brisk movement as if she were a military man, and stepped forward unwilling even to speak to me to tell me to follow her. Maybe it would have been better if I had been supervised by a totally unknown police officer.
"You got stuck with me, huh?" I tried to open up conversation or humor while we were in the patrol car, but she didn't intend to do me a favor while treating me like some kind of criminal who didn't deserve her attention.
Maybe she just didn't want to get her feelings mixed up at work and just wanted to do what she was asked to do. But when she had given me to eat and had given me that look, she had done the exact opposite of that.
I didn't want to embarrass her, though, so I decided to zip it. Then I'd work too, so I wouldn't have time to talk to her.
They had not shown any imagination as to what they would have me do for community service. I undertook the cleaning of a beach that was known for the many garbage it collected and it would take me a long time to manage to clean some part of it.
If they were going to keep me under control until it's completely cleaned up, I wouldn't be able to graduate from high school. I hadn't asked them what would happen to the school, but now that I thought about it, I didn't want to ask Amakiji-san.
I was gonna wait for tomorrow's appointment with the therapist.
She threw me the necessary tools and stayed standing tall without going down to the sand to have a panoramic view and to be able to see my every move. She had done something that wanted to seem spontaneous, but she had deliberately shown me the gun she had in her belt.
I thought she would know that not only did I not intend to run away, but I knew that she was armed, and I would not dare. But she followed her usual pattern as if I were any criminal. I sighed and decided not to pay any more attention to it because I had a lot of work ahead of me.
I rolled up the sleeves of my uniform since I'd ended up coming there in my school uniform, what I hadn't gone through with that uniform, and I started the job.
As unlikely as it sounds, it was even harder than it seemed. You were getting tired easily because you were bending over all the time and you had to keep your eyes open so you wouldn't miss a piece of junk but when you raised your head to see how far you had progressed, it was like you were still at the beginning. Like hard work without result or reward, and that was certainly not something I could bear so easily.
The sun began to sink into the sea, and I was prostrated while my whole body screamed with pain. I wiped my brow once more, and stood for a breath in haste, for I was able to get a whip out of it to judge more quickly. My hands were so dirty that the sweat became thick and looked like mud. I didn't know if I stank more from the garbage or the work I was throwing away, but what was certain was that I felt like a pig in every sense of the word.
"You work hard, I see. As you would expect."I rejoiced in the thought that this was the first time she had spoken to me in the day, and I did not wait to understand that this was not her own voice nor manner of speaking. I only realized it when I turned around.
"How did you know I was here?" I could not believe my eyes and unconsciously went out on the attack. I don't know if it was the look of the person that was different than I was used to or that I didn't want anyone to see me in this mess.
"Poor Ryo-kun.What are you going through? And all because of Kaoru!"The voice came out so plaintive that I didn't even know if I recognized it any more.
"He's not to blame for anything! It's my fault! I did all this by myself!"Much as it pained me to admit it, there was no chance of my throwing the blame on any one else.
"Tch tch. They've got you and they've made you believe all these horrible things about yourself. That's just in their best interest. You don't know why the kidnapping happened, do you?" the smile of satisfaction when the person saw that it was right about the latter, made me wonder, but if I had tumbled into curiosity from the first day I struggled to get rid of myself, I would never have made it.
There were people who had fought to lighten my sentence because they thought I deserved a second chance. He could have said more beautiful words. They didn't look like me.
"No, and I don't care! Why, do you know?" The person opposite me had the voice and face of one I knew, but they were not the person I knew. One shock after another was upon me, and I don't know how much longer I could bear it.
"You think the one who caused it...Didn't know the reason? Yes, that's exactly the face I came to see. The face of despair and betrayal who tries not to believe what he hears."The whole affair was beginning to look perverse, and I could not understand what was going on. I asked no explanation, only began to search frantically around me to find the policewoman. She couldn't let all this happen to me! "If you're worried about your bodyguard, I sent her on a fake mission to let us talk. She won't come up..."
The sentence was cut short by a braking sound that squeaked in the silence and gave the impression that a car was about to derail. The car door opened abruptly and from inside came out a police officer in a furious state with the gun in her hand to target the person who was talking to me.
"Tch. She interrupted us. I didn't think she'd figure it out so quickly. See you around, Ryo-kun!"The person turned to me, and after making a bow, disappeared. My legs buckled and I fell into the sand. I had learned something that gave the answer to who had kidnapped me, but now all sorts of questions arose because too many pieces of the puzzle were missing.
"Kid, are you all right?" She gave up trying to find her and ran toward me to check if they had done anything to me. She pulled my face to look at her but I was in a miserable state. My pupils were dilated and my eyes were moving like crazy right and left. How on Earth had all this happened?
I felt the heat of her body soothing me a little as she caught me by the arm and lifted me, resting my weight upon her. I was making these little sounds without being able to react any other way. The voices in my head were screaming without leaving me alone. That familiar voice that seemed so different, too, was the one I had heard the first day I watched the club members, it had grown dark, and I thought I was dealing with a ghost. But at the same time it was the voice that belonged to a person I knew. How was that possible?
"Yes, I will come with the little one there. I'm not sure what happened, but I don't think we can keep this from him anymore. He's in danger, too. The moment of truth has come."Her words passed through me and did not touch me. Now all I wanted was to live a normal life, but I realized I was asking too much.