CHAPTER 15: Love101.com
Ace's POV:
''Don't make that bummed up face man, it makes me wanna mope with you," Another voice, another person telling me the same thing. I didn't even bother to look up. Mostly because I didn't want yo and partially cause I already knew who it was.
"Not now," I threw my fries at him.
"Hey! Hey! I get that you're upset but that doesn't mean you can waste the food," Aiden reprimanded while picking up the fries and eating them.
"I believe that's highly unhygienic," Noah pointed out.
Who cares?
"Also, here's a sentence I never thought I'd say but I think that Adeel's right. Why are you so bummed anyway?" Lucas asked me.
"Hey! Look at that. It wasn't that hard to admit, now, was it?" Adeel teased Lucas.
I ignored him.
"Are you on your guy period or something?" Olivia raised a brow.
I can't believe I saved her ass. And am currently helping her realize that she likes Mason. So damn ungrateful.
"Seriously, I'm better than you when I'm on my period." Vivian commented.
I put my airpods in place before turning up the volume as high as it would it go.
The tune was melancholy.
I moped around some more before walking down the corridor and into my next class with Mason following suit. I tried so hard to think about something else, I even tried to focus on what the teacher was speaking but I just couldn't.
Finally, I somehow managed to leave from that darned hell alive.
It was trigonometry. Could life get any worse?!!!!
My phone rang and the caller ID said Mom.
Turns out, it can.
"Ace," She greeted with that cold voice of hers. Always cold.
I didn't say anything. I was too tired to respond and besides, I knew she didn't expect me to. She just wants me to listen and do as I'm told.
"You've get back home this Saturday. The Lockharts are holding a huge event.. I think it's for their son's birthday. Behave. And don't ruin the family name."
I hung up.
I've had enough for today.
Honestly I'm surprised she even bothered to call me. It was usually Ms. Nelly who informed me regarding all of this.
Before I knew it, I hit my bed, face first.
"Are you really sure you don't love her?," Vivian suddenly asked.
"No. Yes. I don't know." I answered.
"Well, if you're this jealous, you might as well be."
"Oh, he has passed the jealous five stops back. Sorry to tell you but you're late for the party." Mason told her, "He's been mind boggling mad, crazy in love, frustrated, sad and now he's...wait a second, how are you feeling now?" He asked while looking at me.
After our classes ended, they invited themselves to my room and were currently munching on my stack of chips and chocolates.
"Tired? Hopeless? Done with life?," I suggested.
They both didn't leave my side once since I got that last letter from her. I have a feeling that they think I'm going to attempt suicide or maybe murder someone if they left me alone for even a second. It's a pain in the ass. I don't even have privacy in the bathroom. Mason told me that he's not going to leave me alone, not even in the bathroom. I didn't pee or bathe since yesterday.
I wonder how I'm alive.
"Yeah, he's sulking right now," Mason told Vivian.
"I'm not sulking," I threw the nearest thing that I got my hands on at him. He ducked.
How can I be sad and mad at the same time. I feel... I feel... I don't know what I feel. Ugh. And this is the worst feeling in life. This is exhausting... Not knowing how I'm supposed to feel.
"Yeah, I think we're back to the crazy stop." He told Vivian and dashed out of the room before I could throw anything else at him.
"Hey," Vivian approached me but I turned my head the other way.
"Hey," She walked to the other side and turned my head again.
"We could go on and on. But we're not going to. I'm sorry but you leave me no choice," She said and I frowned.
What does that even mean?
She pinched my ear and made me stand up while I screamed.
Wow, she's really mean.
"Now, we're ready to talk," She finally released my ear and I sighed in relief.
I don't remember why I let her push me around.
Because she's scary.
Uh.. No, she's not.
I look up to see her grinding her teeth and glaring at me, waiting for me to speak.
Okay, maybe a little.
But it's only because she's a bully.
"You have to figure it out. And you're not going to do it with all this moping and sulking and brooding. You don't want us to intrude? We get it, we won't. But you have to promise me that you're going to try. You're going to try and figure out what you're feeling and then you're going to figure out a way to tell her, okay? This isn't good for your health or hers. Do you think she's feeling any better than you are? If you don't want to do it for yourself, do it for her. She deserves it." Vivian sat up and walked out but not before slamming the door, causing me to wince.
Really? Is she feeling what I'm feeling? Is she as upset as I'm over not being able to put a name on this feeling? Is she frustrated right now? Or has she already figured it out?
Love?
Is it love?
Am I in love?
How do you even know if you're in love?
Well, I could ask my therapist, but he'd go on and blabber about it to my parents. Even though they won't care, I don't want them to know.
I don't know how long I sat there pondering over my options before doing the only thing that any sane person would've do.
Okay, I chose the second worse option.
I typed on google 'How do you know if you're in love'
A number of websites popped up. I scrolled down and down until something made sense, it didn't. So I clicked on a random website.
Love101.com
Huh, not cheesy at all and looks like they know their shit.
Not sure what you feel for a certain someone? Do you spend your time thinking what it is? Does it frustrates you? Makes you mad? Take this quiz to know if you're really in love with the one you think about day and night.
Oh well. If this is the only way to know.
I so wish I had gone to the therapist.
No, it's still better than that.
I scrolled down, despite knowing the consequences.
What's your current relationship with the person in question?
1. We're dating.
2. We're married but I'm not sure if I can love that old hag anymore.
3. We're 'just friends'.
4. Someone I admire from afar.
Well, they didn't have to put the inverted commas. I clicked the third option.
Do you enjoy spending a lot of time with this person?
1. Yes
2. Not a whole lot.
3. A normal amount, sure. But right now I spend most of my time living my own life, away from this person.
4. Hell no.
See, I so knew this was a waste of time.
I clicked the third option, mostly because it was the only one that made sense.
How do you feel when you get a text/ call/ message from them?
1. Like the sun just came out
2. Like I'm having a headache
3. Just plain great
4. Eh... Nothing special
I looked around for Mason or Vivian or someone else around my room.
What? They have a tendency to barge in unannounced.
I shook my head at the thought.
Well, nobody's gonna know it's me, so I clicked the first one after a deep breath.
Woo, that was hard.
Would you say that the time spent isn't enough? Do you want to spend more time with this person?
1. Yes
2. No, most definitely not.
3. I'm happy with the time we spend right now
I clicked yes and scrolled quickly.
When you 'argue,' are you quick to compromise or let things slide?
1. I don't let things slide, if they're legitimate.
2. Most definitely, NO!!!
3. I let it slide but only because she's so cute.
4. I get stern when I need to be, but it's not like... intense. We're not on that level yet.
I scratched my head as I contemplated the options.
Well, I definitely don't let it slide because she's cute.
"Click the third one!!" Two voices shouted behind me and I shook my head.
Wow, I don't get heart attacks when random voices shout at me from nowhere, anymore. Maybe I'm immune.
Wait, am I getting used to them.
Yeah, that must be it.
"Come on, do it!" Vivian shouted and Mason nodded along.
See? I knew they weren't going to leave me alone for too long.
"No, I know how to put down my foot if something major happens."
I do, right?
Mason tilted his head and I defended, "Well, it's not my fault we've never had a major fight."
"Yeah, this",he pointed to the last letter I got from her,"is major."
I grudging pressed it.
This person's best feature is:
1. Their personality. They're just everything I need in a partner.
2. Everything! This person was made for me in every single way.
3. Some sort of physical feature, whether it's hair, fashion sense, butt, legs, or something else.
I love her personality. How she's always chirpy and brights up my day with mere words. I love how she has such a positive outlook on everything.
Oh, who am I kidding? I love everything about her. I just wish these options were better written.
"Beggars can't be choosers, Ace." Mason teased and I rolled my eyes.
Also, it's not like I put those stupid questions on there.
Vivian and Mason oohed at the same time and I think my cheeks grew a little warmer than usual.
Do you think about this person often?
1. A lot and it always manages to put a smile on my face when I do.
2. They are super important, my whole life.
3. I think about one or two of this person's features decently often.
4. I do but not in that way.
I peeked behind me to see Vivian and Mason staring in different directions.
Huh. Nice try.
I quickly covered my screen and tapped on the first option despite the sounds of protest behind me.
Do you like everything about this person, even the flaws?
1. Yes
2. I don't think this person has flaws.
3. I don't like everything about this person.
Especially the flaws.
I thought back to all the times we've fought. Everytime she shared her insecurities with me. It somehow makes her more real.
Yeah, most definitely the flaws.
Can your firmly say you and this person would do anything for each other? You both support each other, cheer each other on, celebrate each other's successes?
1. Yes
2. I would hope so!
3. No
"Hey, you gotta be faster!," Mason interrupted.
"Yeah, you're doing it all wrong. Think of it as....as a rapid fire round." Vivian snapped her fingers.
Just when I was about to forget they're here.
Do you enjoy doing nice things for this person just because? Randomly? No special reason?
1. Yes
2. No
3. Why would I do that?
I like to think I do.
Does this person feel like home?
1. Yes
2. No
I...don't know.
I don't know what a home feels like. I've lived in a grand house but I wouldn't know how it feels like to be at home.
"If you ever had the opportunity to have one of your own, what would you want it to be like?" Vivian asked me gently, her eyes knowing.
I didn't like it. I dismissed the unease that kept building.
"Would you want her to be there?"
I nodded without hesitation
If I ever had one of my own, I'd definitely want her to be there.
If this person were to leave your life right now, without saying a word, how would you feel?
1. Bad
2. I'd be so confused!
3. Nothing at all.
Bad. Really bad. Really, really, really bad.
Even on a terrible day, we're talking HORRIBLE, does talking to this person make you feel better? Would you still even want to talk to them?
1. Yes
2. No
I thought back to the most terrible day of life. And then I remembered getting her letter after that. It always, always did wonders for me. To know that someone cared. Someone cared enough to ask me if my day was well. To know even the most minor details of my day. It...felt great. Simply great. To be cared for, is the most wonderful thing I've ever felt.
Do you often stress over the possibility of not loving this person?
1. No
2. I pretty much know I don't, I'm just making sure.I do stress... because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.
3. That's the tough part.
I clicked no without hesitation.
Wait, what did I just do?
The phone slipped from my hand as realization hit me with the force of a hundred trucks running over me. I didn't even have to look at the screen to know my answer.
It had always been so obvious. I had always loved her. I've always cared for her. I feel warm everytime I get to hear from her. Even if it's about why she hates me. I want to protect her from everything. I want to be there for her. Like she's always been there for me when I needed it. I want to know more about her everyday. Even if it's something as silly as how much she loves her unicorn glitter pen. I want it all. I want to know every little detail about her. Isn't that what love is? Or maybe the beginning of it?
I want to make things right. I need to make it right.
Wait, can I tell her? Should I tell her? Wouldn't it be too much? Would she stop talking to me altogether?
Would she even feel the same?
Even if she did, she's too young for this. I'm too young for this. Is it the right time? What if it ruins everything?
How would I say it? Wait... More importantly, what would I even say?
My mind flooded with a whirlpool of questions.
A light knock sounded on my door and I finally realized Mason and Vivian had already left.
I cracked open the door and saw my bodyguard with an envelope in his hand. Her letter.
His face that was carved in stone showed a little glint of worry before he hesitantly asked me if I was okay. I waved him off. I don't have time for this. Not right now.
I snatched it and tore away the envelope before reading through it all.
Dear John,
I'm sorry. Really sorry.
I'm sorry too. So so so sorry. I know I was a jerk.
And I know you're apologizing to me right now, so I forgive you.
Apologies had always been an easy thing for us. I'm not sure if it was a good or a bad thing.
I mean I think I get it. You...you have other friends who you can share every little detail your life with. Who are there to experience it with you.
I shouldn't make it a big deal out of it.
No. No. No. Make a big deal out of it. Don't say that or.... write that. How come she even think of it.
I am sorry if I ever made you feel like I was judging you... I wasn't.
I know. I know. I have always known. I was just an idiot to do that. But the reason I didn't tell you wasn't because I thought you were going to judge me. I wasn't telling you because.... Because I thought I was... I don't want to admit it. Not even to myself.
I was scared. I was scared that there will be something about me that she wouldn't like. And that's when the spell will break. That's when it'll end. That's when she'll start growing distant. That's when she'll know that she wants nothing to do with me. And I just couldn't have it. I couldn't see the one good thing in my life go away from me, just like that.
So, I thought I won't tell her anything that'll make her hate me. In the process, I didn't tell her anything.
And while doing that, I pushed her away, away from me.
I hated that... I just wanted to tell you. I just...I and you are... You know what? Leave it. It's useless.
I get it if you don't want me to pry on your life and I get it if you don't want to talk to me anymore. You've got a lot of friends. You don't need me. So, I'll totally understand if you don't want to send these stupid letters to me anymore. I mean we were kids when we started it. And I knew it from the start. It's always been stupid anyway. I've always been stupid. So, I'll stop bothering you. I won't be nagging you all day.
And you don't have to feel bad about it, or feel like it's your fault. Don't you even dare think it.
So, goodbye,
It felt like she was trying end it as soon as possible while at the same time, trying to prolong it. Or maybe it was me, I was trying to prolong the inevitable. I've always known. Always known that someday the magic will come to an end she'll just disappear. The spell broke. The beautiful dream ended and my Cinderella is running away from me, right in front of my eyes. And I can't stop her. I should feel lucky that I at least get a goodbye. But somehow that made it hurt more than if she'd have simply gone with a goodbye.
I was on the verge of tears. But I didn't cry. I couldn't.
And even though you don't,
I still love you.
I do too. Why doesn't she get it?
I feel so frustrated. And for the first time, I felt like she didn't understand. She didn't understand me.
Your Jane
It was ironic, actually. My Jane. The words didn't change the fact that she wasn't mine anymore.
I closed my eyes and struggled to take in whatever small amount of air my lung would allow me. My hand flew up to my throat, trying to rub the pain away. I held onto my desk for support but my legs gave out underneath me and I sat on my knees with my head between my hands. The monster came out to haunt me. And before I knew it, darkness surrounded me again, clawing it's way up my throat, clogging it. Rendering me helpless, unable to breathe. And I found the walls closing up one me. I found myself alone again. Only this time, the dark isolated room was my life.
And for the first time in my life, I was truly alone.