CHAPTER 16: Acceptance
Charlie's POV:
I sat at the porch of my home, staring at the mailbox, waiting. For what? I don't know.
Well, I did know. It's just that I didn't want to admit it.
Why is it so hard?
Okay. You can do this.
Just say what you feel out loud. I had said to myself as I stood in frount of the mirror. I stood there for about an hour but I couldn't bring myself to say the words. I don't know why but I couldn't. So, I came here. I tried saying it myself, then to my favourite teddy bear, I was so desperate that I contemplated telling the stray cat that ran down the street. But I couldn't. I needed to say the words out loud.
I looked around me, searching for something, someone and my eyes landed on our porch, then to the house beside me before landing on my neighbour's porch where Aries stood, then back to our backyard. Wait what? Aries.
I looked up to see his eyes roaming around his surroundings as well. i dived behind the rows of bushes that separated our house from theirs.
Ever since that night at the party when he kissed me, I've been trying to avoid him. Well, him and the cheerleaders. I thought they were going to be rude ass bitches. Turns out they are sweet ass bitches. They've been nagging me and Mia to hangout with them and to join the cheer squad. I like them but I can't give away my life for them.
I mean I can't walk properly on a perfectly plain road. How the hell do they expect me to take it from two flips followed by a cartwheel, then a backflip and end it with a split. That sounds like a phrase right out of 'The non-atheletic girl's guide to get killed' in 30 days. Non-refundable.
"Seriously?" Aries shouted, "I literally saw you hide, plus, if you didn't already know, hiding behind a withered bush doesn't exactly make you invisible." He explained.
Oh well. I stood up while brushing away the twigs that stuck to my hair before picking up the shards of my dignity and walking away.
I didn't get far.
"I think you left something behind," He said behind me.
"What?," I gave him the rudest look I could muster.
I knew what happened with John was in no way his fault but I had this immense need to blame someone, to be angry at someone.
"Me," Aries said, "If you haven't already noticed, I like you, for real. And I don't know why you're not talking to me. So, if you'll be so kind as to tell me why is that, I'll appreciate it," He let out as he pointed towards my porch, indicating me to take a seat.
Well, I did know. I just thought that we weren't supposed to acknowledge it.
I pondered running away but then sat down after him and thought about the right words to say. He waited patiently. Very patiently considering the fact that we sat there for about an hour. I was hoping that he'd get irritated, burst out and then walk away. He didn't. However, I feel like my legs froze.
"Okay, so, the kiss. I'm not saying that it meant nothing to me, neither am I saying that it did. I just want to let you know, that what's happened, has happened. The point is that I don't want it to happen again." The words were jumbled and didn't make sense, not even to me.
"Okay. But, can you at least tell me why?" His eyes held so much curiosity in them that I broke down, I told him everything. Everything. Starting from how I wrote a letter to a random stranger and ending at how he became so important to me that I didn't want to let go.
"And now I think I love him. And I know what you're thinking, this girl's bat shit crazy to think she could fall in love with a guy she's never seen, never met, heck I don't even know his name. Don't worry that's what everyone tends to think." I ran my fingers through my hair, a habit I picked up from my mom.
Fall in love?
Did I just say I fell in love?
Damn, did it feel good to say it out loud. I thought I needed to say the words to myself, in my head, for them to be true. But I didn't. And then I finally understood what Mom always told me. You don't always need to keep everything locked inside, sometimes you've to shout the words you want to say out loud, so the world can hear you, so that you can hear tourself. That way you'll know it in your heart if the words feel right.
And in the moment, it felt so damn right. It was true. It had always been true. It felt natural.
"Except you aren't. It doesn't matter, cause those things don't define a person. What matters is their personality, their heart, their feelings. Wait, who am I bullshiting. You know what, I'm plain shallow. So, make me understand. How exactly? How can you fall in love with a guy like that? I mean, his name could be... Um...um....Chandler Bing, for all we know. He could be fat and short and bald."
I gave him a look. "Ok maybe not so much the bald. But he could be ugly. Have you seen Hairy Harriet in our school."
"To be honest, I did worry about that for some time."
Hey, I'm only human. At first, I thought it didn't matter but then it did. Of course looks matter, in a teeny tiny way, they do.
"But then I saw this picture, I guess you can call it a picture, of him. And damn, was he hot. At first, I thought he was playing a prank on me. Also, Monica loved Chandler Bing. A name couldn't possibly get worse than that. If Monica can love Chandler, so can I."
"Wow. I don't know if you've ever done this before but this isn't the best way to reject a guy. The least you could do is spare my feelings by telling me how god damn awful he looks and you only love him because he was first."
"Wait? Was I too harsh?" I asked him.
"Hmm, let's see. Harsh would have been slapping the guy right in the face before walking away." He seemed to contemplate, "You just broke my heart, Charlotte Miller!" He laughed, lighthearted as ever.
"It's fine, you can call me Charlie." I told him.
"Charlie, I wish I'd met so much sooner than this," He mumbled the words.
I can't help but ask, "Why?"
"I don't know," He shook his head, "Maybe then I'd have been the one to receive that letter."
He took my hand in his and squeezed it hard. I can't help but think that he meant something else.
I don't know what it is about Aries that makes my heart beat. Maybe it's the good looks or maybe it's his attitude but I can't help but wonder what it would have been like if I met him first.
But no matter how hard I tried to imagine it, I just couldn't.
His intense green eyes met mine as he chewed on his bottom lip and like always my traitor heart managed to skip a beat, maybe cause he's the first guy to look at me like that. And it felt weird. In a good way. I could feel a shiver running down my spine. I'm not quite sure if it's the cold August wind or him.
The moment get interrupted by the shrill sound of a horn blaring and I move to cover my ears. Damn, that's annoying.
Then the mailman got out and started putting the mails around.
"Don't you wanna get that?" Aries pointed to the mailbox with an expression I couldn't read.
I sighed as I went through the mail. Nothing from him. As I swiftly went through each one, I can't help the hope that kept building. My hands got sweaty and I held my breath as I turned over the last one, there it was, Percipience Academy was written in block letters.
My heart jumped into my throat as I tore it open to see the words. I didn't open it. I couldn't, not right now when my skin already felt prickly, my palms sweaty and my heartbeat racing.
Don't get your hopes up.
Don't get your hopes up.
I repeated those words to myself like a mantra.
I turned around and jumped back when I hit my head against a rigid wall.
"Ow," I rubbed my forehead, "What were you trying to do?"
Can guys not be so...so hard.
And at that moment, I was so thankful that I just thought that and didn't say it out loud.
Turns out, not saying everything you think does has it's perks. Mia will be so proud.
"Nothing," He shook his head.
I crossed my hands and he chewed on his lip, a nervous habit, I'm sure.
"Aren't you going to open that?" My eyes widened.
"No."
I could see him hesitating to ask the next question but I already knew what it was, "Is it from him?"
There it is.
"Does it matter?" I asked him and he shrugged his shoulders, pretending not to care.
"It's from Percipience Academy," I gave in.
"That big ass academy for rich punks? The one in the west?" I nodded.
"The one that you can only get in because of either your reach or your immense talent?" I nodded again.
I can see why it's hard to believe.
"Damn, what did they have to say to you?" And then he realized what he said, "I mean...it's...And I.. You're just not the smartest or the richest person I know."
"Normally, I'd feel insulted but I agree."
"But you hate studying!" He looked to be in shock with his eyes wide but I couldn't br sure. He even made a show of fainting and I rolled my eyes at his antiques.
"I don't hate studying," Even before the words were out of my mouth, I knew it was a lie. Those words just didn't seem right coming out of my lips.
"Charlotte Marie Miller!!!," Mia ran from her house to mine with a look that says 'You better run and hide cause Imma kill you right now'.
"This is code blah broccoli," She stalked towards me only to be stopped by our neighbour, Mrs. Sanders who waved her over. Being the polite kid, she walked towards her but not before giving the stink eye. Mia is too polite to ignore our neighbor. Also, her mom would kill her if she did.
Well, that buys me some time.
Mia and I've had a code since we were little kids for describing our moods. We both agreed that it was too much work to express your feelings. Extra creamy cookies and cream being on top of the world and blah broccoli being the most angry you can ever be. What can I say, we're both foodies. Mia's never felt blah broccoli. She's been bland brussel sprouts at most, even when I stole and ruined her favourite dress that her dad got her to wear for her 13th birthday, a day before her birthday.
Uh oh. This must be real bad.
And I have a feeling I know what is it.
I rushed to get up and run before turning around, giving Aries one last look, "Wait, did I do it right? I mean I know, you already said that was bad. But overall?"
He simply blinked a few times, his face blank. He waited for a few seconds before I explained.
"I mean, this rejection thing. Did I do it right? Was I any good?"
He shrugged hid shoulders and put his hand over his mouth but I could still see his smile.
"Hey! What is it that you're laughing about? Don't you dare make fun of me, not even in your mind, " I put my hands on my hips and his face turned red as he tried to muffle his face with his hand.
"You gotta hear this, it's too good," He said in between laughter as he stood up and walked towards me before putting his hands on either side of my face," Baby, Yoda best!"
"If I didn't have to rush, you'd have been dead by now," I eyed Mia trying to run away from Mrs. Sanders. I need to slip away before she gets to me.
"OkayIreallygottago," I rushed to say the words as I can see the conversation is over. Mom walked out with a sunscreen and a blanket in hand, no doubt to soak up the good ole vitamin B.
Her words, not mine. I don't know how someone can confuse vitamin B and D.
"Mom, I will be back before dinner," I yelped as I saw Mia walk towards us once again before finally making a run for my life.
Yikes.
I ran and ran until I reached the Alcatraz, the beach where I first threw the bottle with the letter in it. I remember I used to sit here all day and talk to the sea, it was almost as if it could hear me. I believed that when the waves go offshore, it means the sea is angry and when it came close to me, touching my bare feet, it meant that it was hapoy with me. I told it some pretty personal secrets.
I used to ask the beach if my letter finally made it to the one. The one who was destined to be my prince charming. It never told me, I thought the beach was angry with me.
Over time, I realized that it was all just childish imaginations that I used to play in my mind.
I was childish to think that the sea talked to me, just like I was foolish to think that my Prince Charming would one day come for me.
There's no such thing as Prince Charmings or Talking seas.
Maybe it's time that I grow up.
The hardest thing about growing up is acceptance. To accept a fact and to let go of a sweet, sweet dream. To live in reality is harsh, it's better to live in imagination where nothing could go wrong. It's gut wrenching for me to accept the fact that he isn't ever going to come for me. It twists my insides having to deal with it.
I was scared, scared that he'd realize it too. He'd realize that we're living in a sweet dream. That this isn't real. It's too good to be. And one day I'd wake up and the magic will be gone, forever. So I did it before he can. I broke his heart before he could break mine and on the way, my heart shattered too.
"Did you really think that I wouldn't find you at our secret spot?" Mia shouted as she parked, threw, her bike at the end of the beach, "How dare you set me up with that jerk on a blind date? Blind dates are supposed to be lively and lit with anticipation-"
She must've seen the sad look on my face," Skittles, are you alright?"
She called me Skittles when she was angry with me. Wow, do I look that bad?
"Aww, don't cry Skittles. I'm not that mad."
Mia sat on the sand beside me and engulfed me in a hug. She wiped away my tears with her sleeve.
"Wait, you're crying and clutching on your necklace," Mia pointed to me. I looked down before pulling my hand away immediately. Shoot, I forgot to give it to him.
"This is about him, isn't it? You always hold that necklace close whenever you miss him. Did he say something to you? Did John say something to you? You better tell me so that I can take the first flight to New York and kick his ass. Nobody breaks my girlfriend's heart and gets away with it," Mia's face was red. Wow, she's madder than me.
But then again, I have no right to get mad.
Mia and I used to be joined at the hip. We have always been and still are close. So close to the point, everyone teased us and called us each other's boyfriend and girlfriend. I was her protective boyfriend and she was the obsessed girlfriend. Over time we got used to it, even joked about it. We promised each other that if someone broke my heart, she'll break their nose and vice versa.
That's like the #2 rule of girl code.
Bitching together about people one of us don't like still takes the #1 spot.
And then I told her how I unofficially broke up with him, for real.
"First of all, I'm so damn mad at you for not telling me so much that's happened. But we're going to talk about that later."
"Also, unofficially, seriously?" Mia gave me the side eye
"Unofficially because we were never dating," I explained.
"Ok, we've had this conversation a million times and you need to drill this inside your head, okay? You've called dibs on the guy, which I personally think is a very dumb thing to do FYI, and that dummy accepted it. You had your first date with a guy who lives on the other side of the country. He was the first guy that you kissed. Again, in my opinion, kissing a cardboard dummy doesn't count. You are jealous of the one girl, the one girl he's friends with-"
To be honest, I'd rather he had a lot of friends who were girls. That'd mean that Vivian doesn't mean as much to him.
"And you're crying right now because you 'unofficially' broke up with him. Trust me, it's anything but unofficial. It's the opposite. It's official. No, no scratch that. It's extraofficialy official."
"I was 13 when we did the dibs thing," I pointed out.
"All the crap I said and this is what you gather?"
"Ok, so as you said, the dibs was childish. The date wasn't actually a date. The kiss wasn't real. And I get jealous when you talk too much to that bitch Hannah which implies I'm a generally jealous and insecure person. So, that does make it unofficial."
Wow, I know how to make myself sound bad.
"That you are." She agreed. "But don't try to weasel your way out of this one. That's just my opinion. To you, everything was real and magical and true."
That's where she is wrong. Yes, it was magical but it was never real. It was a dream and I don't want to wake up but I know that at some point I have to, he has to too. So, it'd be better if the dream was so bad that we'd be glad we woke up.
"Hey, what's that in your pocket?" Mia reached for my skirt pocket and took out the letter I received today.
Mia opened it and I closed my eyes. I didn't have the courage to read it.
Last year, I applied for a scholarship at Percipience Academy without telling anyone, except my parents, of course. It was so hard to convince them. Partially because they didn't want me to attend high school on the other end of the country and mainly because they were on to the fact that I was doing it because I wanted to meet John, one time. It was supposed to be a surprise for him. I cried and threw tantrums. They finally gave in because even they knew that my chances of getting in were slim, slimer than Korean models. So, I studied, I studied hard, I even gave up my screen time. Finally, I gave the test and I thought I did pretty well on it.
Before the beginning of high school, I got a letter telling me, I've been wait listed. I thought they were going to reject me and I was so damn bummed, but at the same I was relieved that I didn't tell anyone.
I peeked to see Mia, skimming through the letter. She looked at me with wide eyes before handing me the letter.
I took it in my clammy hands, sweat dripping down my forehead and read it carefully, taking my time and my heartbeat stopped when I read the words.
The subject read 'Acceptance Letter'.
Mia started asking me so many questions, she was practically shouting them at me. But I couldn't listen them. Because I couldn't believe the words written-
Congratulations! You've been accepted into Percipience Academy.