I twisted the knob in a slow motion and tried to open the door with minimal sounds heard. I walk in tip toes and did not bother to turn on the lights but then I hit my knee on the edge of the couch and that was the most painful and most silent whimper I ever let out in my whole life.
"you could have just walked in and turn on the lights" a deep voice came from the kitchen.
I turned around and hid the guitar at my back "Dad-"
He eyed me from head to toe. He opened the light in the kitchen and he's standing there holding a cup of coffee. "and where were you from young lady?" he asked.
"I-I worked Dad." I tried to avoid his gaze and my lips can't help but tremble.
"With a guitar?" he asked again. Stern and firm.
I lowered my head "Yes dad"
He let out a heavy sigh. "Sasha didn't we talked about this already?"
"We did. And you said you need my help" I stated.
"I really do but not like this" I flinched when his voiced raised a little. Still not moving in his place.
"Dad this is the only job I can work while studying. Besides I know the owner and the workers in there are close to me too"
He shut his eyes closed and put down his mug on the sink "Don't be stubborn Sasha. You're not gonna work in there. Not as a singer either."
"What?!" my voice raised a little too and he turned around surprised. "But Dad we need this job. I'm not doing this for myself alone" I exclaimed.
"Sasha you can do anything but sing"
"Why? Because of mom? Because I look so much like her? Sounds so much like her? Dad that's not very smart of us to do especially in the state we are in" I explained. I flopped my back at the couch and raked my hand through my hair.
"So you're saying that I'm stupid and unreasonable?" his voice is filled with restrained anger.
"No! That's not what I meant. Dad we need money, let's set aside our feelings for awhile" I plead hoping he'll loosen his anger.
"How can I do that Sasha?" he leaned in the wall and misery is plastered in his face.
"Do it Dad. Just like how I'm doing it all these years. I will not let my siblings sleep in humidity and certainly will never let any of us stop from studying." I said it staring straight to his eyes. And went in my room and closed it with a soft thud.
I quietly went to my bed, careful not to wake my sister sleeping on the other bed. I hope my Dad knows that I'm doing everything just for this family to not fall apart. My body is tired too and my heart is in pain just like him but I'm doing my best to help him and help my siblings go through it all. When mom left dad, me, the twins, the four of us, when I was what? Ten years old? Everything in my life changed.
Doom has happened to us since that day. The whole that mom left in our house, all her responsibilities as a mother, I took the all while I was ten fucking years old. I can't help but cry. What if she did not left us? Maybe our life would not be this hard and the twins could have grown up with a mother. What if she did not left me? Maybe I would not be this sad. What if she stayed with Dad? Maybe he's still the sweet and cheerful Dad that always carry me before. Everything in this house changed when she left and none of us does not even speak of her name.
As I grew up I turned to look a lot like her which scared Dad so much. He was traumatized that he thought I'm gonna leave them in the future too. He does not support the idea of me singing, he does not even listen to me sing for I remind him of my mother. I can't bear to see him lose his mind and so I tried so hard to change my appearance. I don't grow my hair long, I covered half of my forehead with my bangs and never wore modest clothes. Always in jeans and plaids. Just to prevent him from breaking his heart for having me. All of this, I endure for my family.