"Okay make sure you turn in your winter assignments and have a good winter break"
"Finally"
"Hey want to spend Christmas with us?"
"It's finally Winter Break"
The weather is perfect, to be honest, there's no snow but it was undeniably cold. Too cold for my liking if you asked. Back then I love it whenever winter break comes but now, I'm just grateful that there are no more surprises coming my way. After bidding goodbye to the few classmates, I started walking down the path leading up the way home.
It has been a week since the last time I heard or saw anything from Shin-kun and Ryouta-kun, not that I'm complaining but it just felt too good to be true. Knowing those two, I still couldn't believe the fact that they uphold their end of the bargain. I mean for people who were known for being stubborn they certainly had given up too fast. Or maybe it was just that they never really cared and them saying that they want me back was just to ease that guilty feeling they have.
I breathed out a heavy sigh before shaking my head. I shouldn't be like this anymore, I did say that I wasn't going to think about it anymore. That I would be moving forward now, constantly unwavering.
When I reached the door of the house, it surprised me that it was locked. That must mean everyone is in the restaurant now. I started going around the corner before reaching the main entrance of the restaurant. Even from outside, I could hear Yuki and Shiro's laughter, my grandma's snarky remarks, and another voice. My brain quickly stopped functioning upon the realization of whose voice it belonged to.
I quickly opened up the entrance and stepped inside only to be frozen in place. Sitting at a table was my grandma, Yuki, and Shiro who were playing with him. He turned my way and I can feel myself gasping for breath when those red eyes met mine. He smiled in my way and I can feel myself tearing up. I wanted to reach out to him, but the small voice at the back of my head kept on telling me that he was up to no good. With the little strength that I have, I gathered my voice and faced him.
"Why are you here?"
Just as he was about to answer, Yuki and Shiro stood up and ran towards me, both hugging each of my legs. I looked at them and they were smiling happily.
"Ka-san, he said he was your friend"
"He said he'll take you somewhere nice"
"Somewhere nice?"
I looked at grandma and she was just smiling at me, I curiously glanced back at the redhead who was now walking towards me.
"I'm sorry but I don't think we ever talked about something like that"
"Don't worry Hanabi, I already got permission from your grandmother."
"Excuse me?"
And as if on cue, he scooped me up by my middle and carried me off on his shoulders.
"Hey wait—what—GRANDMA!"
I trashed my feet and gently tapped him on the back but all he did was lift me on his shoulders higher. He then placed his other hand on my waist like he was securing a package.
"Then we would be off. I promise to bring her back on Christmas day"
Christmas day? Bring me back? My eyes widened when I realized what was happening.
"Oh Seijuro no need to be modest, then have a safe trip. Hanabi I already packed everything you need so don't worry dear and just have fun"
My mouth fell agape. I was being kidnapped and my grandmother just gave her consent. She even packed me a bag. This wasn't a matter that I should be happy about.
"Well then, we should get going Hanabi"
"Wait what? Hey put me down"
As if not hearing anything, Sei-kun walked ahead towards the car parked in front of the house. He gently threw me in the passenger's seat before securing that I wouldn't run. He slammed the car door shut before bowing to grandma who was at the entrance along with Yuki and Shiro waving us a safe trip. He then went around and sat on the driver's seat. He stared at me and I instantly felt insecure. I haven't felt like this in a long while and honestly, it's making me uncomfortable.
"Are you waiting for me to put the seatbelt on you or are you going to do it by yourself?"
As if his words weren't enough, he leaned over me placing an arm around me to get the seatbelt before securing it in me. All the while, all I can think is how his smell never really changed after three years.
"you should sit properly Hanabi, things will be seen if you don't"
I instantly felt a blush crept on my face, I sat up straight and looked ahead while lifting my scarf up higher so it would hide half of my face. Embarrassing? Well, yeah you could say so. I wasn't ready for this. I never was. I mean I never really wanted him to meet me again but I should've known. The fact that Shin-kun and Ryouta-kun were keeping quiet for a week meant they must have notified the others. I knew there was something fishy with this whole setup but I never really expected that surprise to be Sei-kun.
I heard a light chuckle before the engine of the car started up. I looked at Sei-kun and he was just smiling.
"You still wear cute expressions Hanabi"
He then looked my way and stared at me right in the eyes, which I quickly turned around. This was one thing that I hated when it comes to Sei-kun. He always talks eye-to-eye, with no regard to whether it's making the other comfortable or not. Not a moment later he started the car and drove off. I know I should ask him questions, the why, what, where, and how but I just can't seem to find my voice. It was like a cat got my tongue or like there was a large boulder in my neck that prevents my voice from going out.
"We're going to that vacation house in Kyoto"
"What vacation house?"
Sei-kun just threw me a glance before smilingly announced something that had me quivering in my seat.
"The one where we used to go back as kids. The Onsen."
"Why would you even—"
"To commemorate your arrival"
"My arrival?"
"It's a long drive Hanabi, you should get some rest first"
Like the man that he is, without even answering my question he dismissed me and focused on the road. I hate it, who was he to make a blunt statement like commemorating my return when he was one of the reasons why I initially left. I hate it. I hate him. And yet I can't say anything back at him.
It was always like that. I can never really say anything back at him. I slumped back in my seat and crossed my arms in front of my chest. I looked back at the window and saw that there were many cars going out of town. Before I knew it I drifted off to sleep.
I woke up from the light tap on my shoulders, I turned around and saw Sei-kun smiling at me. If this had happened years ago, I would've jumped out of joy but now all I felt was embarrassment. I quickly fished out my phone to see if there were some residues left on my face. When I mean residues I meant dry saliva and morning glories.
"' Don't worry Hanabi it looks like you broke out of your habit of having dry somethings in your face when you wake up"
I felt my face getting hotter just by Sei-kun's snarky remarks. He just smiled at me and went out of the car. He opened the car's trunk and took out two travel bags, one of which is mine. I followed suit after he looked back at me. As we walk inside the onsen, I immediately noticed the numerous maids and guards on the side.
"Pardon me for the maids and guards Hanabi, I had thought it would be very much uncomfortable if it was just the two of us"
Even if it wasn't the two of us it would still feel uncomfortable. I glance around and saw that some were throwing me curious side glances. Whether they remember me or not, I cannot tell with the number of maids that were all around Sei-kun since he was still a child. I only remember that one butler of his at their main house who never treated me like shit. I looked back ahead only to see Sei-kun glancing at me. I threw him a 'what' look, after a while, he stopped walking.
"It's either you walk beside me or I'll carry you off again like earlier"
Carrying in your middle section was most certainly not the best experience. Carrying off in front of people who are practically strangers? Definitely not the best idea. Before he can even take a step towards me, I rushed to his side practically half running. I didn't even notice that he was walking way ahead of me. It felt weird, to be honest. Maybe because it had been so long since I've been this close to him.
Once we entered, I can't help but be in awe. The place never really changed, you can feel in the air that the place was cared for. There were bonsais and other small plants for decoration. The whole interior screamed traditional Japanese.
"Let's go, I'll take you to your room."
I followed Sei-kun, I could see his mouth moving to tell me some things that he wanted to share but I couldn't really understand them. I just kept on staring at him. It really had been so long huh, he was much taller right now. His hair? Quite a mess if you ask me, but it was those messy strands of red hair that made him seem quite more mature now compared to before. And his eyes.
"Your eyes"
I blurted out loud making him stare at me with a surprised look.
"Yes?"
"Uhh it's nothing"
I scratched at my nape before turning away, why would I ask him that anyway. It would be like announcing to him that I watched his game and that would be just stupid. But I should've known that Sei-kun wouldn't just take my nothing as an answer.
"Hanabi"
"Hmm?"
It all happened in a flash, to be honest, one moment I was standing at least a feet away from him and now he's in front of me trapping me between the wall and his tall physique. I looked sideways when I realized that his face was only inches away from mine.
"What about my eyes?"
"I...it's nothing really, I just kind of blurted it out"
"Blurting it out means you were thinking of it. Hanabi look at me"
I can't. I bowed down my head as a sign of refusal. I really can't look at him right now. I don't know what kind of emotions my eyes were mirroring. I don't want him to know that right now I'm wavering again. I don't want him of all people to know how confused and frustrated I am right now.
I was kind of grateful that he didn't make me look at him but what he said sent me shivers.
"They're not dichromatic anymore?"
That made me look up at him, staring back at me was a pair of red eyes. It was like he was telling me that he knows everything and that seriously scares me.
"Ho...how"
"I saw you at that game Hanabi"
He saw me?
"That's absurd how would you even see me when I'm like---"
"Like a puppy hiding in a corner? You should know that your hair color and physique stands out amongst others"
"My hair color?"
As if on cue, he held a handful strand of my long hair and placed it near his lips. The gesture made it seem like he was kissing my hair and that made me blush even more.
"I knew I wasn't hallucinating when I saw this hair by the crowd on that gymnasium. You should know that I can easily pick you out amongst many others."
That I didn't know, there was no way he could pick me out that way. There was no way that he saw me in that numerous crowd. So why? Why won't my heart stop beating like crazy? Was it because he was too close? Or was it that the old feelings were coming back?
"And the first word that you had uttered since coming here was about my eyes. I truly am happy Hanabi"
Happy? I stared at him and there really was a gleeful gleam in his eyes. He moved far away and gave me one of the travel bags. He then motioned me to the door at the side saying that it was my room.
"Go inside and rest for a while, I'll call you when dinner's ready"
Then he went inside the room adjacent to mine. As soon as he closed the door to his room I could feel my knees giving up.
I am very much doomed. I should've run away when I can. I placed my hand on my chest. It was beating so furiously, was I always this nervous when I'm around him? I breathed in to calm it down a little.
I really am so fucked up right now, aren't I?
I paced the large room that I was in again, I was only wearing a simple yukata that some of the maids offered me. Why? I seriously don't know. On times like this, I really can't think of anyone to call or ask for help, and it's not like I can even do that. This place might be pretty but it has the worst reception out of all the places. It wasn't a little longer when I heard a knock on my door. It was one of the maids who told me that dinner was already being served.
I literally felt like someone being summoned for a banquet, to be honest. I got off my feet and went to the room where they told me to go. I was just glad I was even able to find it with how big this place is.
Sitting on the floor was Sei-kun looking at the scenery outside. The room had this ceiling-to-floor window and outside a small spring and sakura trees can be seen. It was perfect, to be honest, too perfect.
"I asked them to serve some of your favorites Hanabi"
I only nodded at him and sat across him, it was supposed to be dinner but neither of us started touching the food placed in front of us.
"Aren't you hungry?"
"I uhh actually don't have an appetite"
I turned away from his gaze and focused on the trees outside. Then there was silence. It was suffocating, to be honest, it wasn't the silent atmosphere where you feel peaceful rather it was like I can't breathe inside the room. Sei-kun also stopped talking and just stared outside.
Seconds, minutes, until an hour passed with neither of us saying anything or even attempting to open up a conversation. The food had also grown cold and so did the air. That was when I noticed the white droplets falling from the sky. It was snowing. It was the first snow of this year and it had coincidentally fallen on this day.
"Hanabi"
My heart nearly jumped out of my chest when I heard him address me. I looked at him and he too was looking at the snow dropping one by one, piling by the ground. Was it just my imagination? Was I just hallucinating about him calling me? I breathed out a sigh before looking at him. Only to catch him already staring back at me.
"You became more beautiful"
And just like before I couldn't find my voice again, my heart was beating furiously and my mind was going blank again. I looked down and clenched my fist. Why...
"Why did you even brought me here?"
Why...
"Why did you even show up now? What you're doing right now, do you have any idea how I feel by any of it?"
Do you know how much pain I am in right now? You who betrayed me the most. You who cast me aside and threw me away. You who left me all alone in the dark. You who brought me so much pain and heartbreak.
"I never meant for you to cry tonight Hanabi"
I'm crying? And it was like I came back to reality, I touched my face only to be overwhelmed by how soaked they were. I was crying again. One by one my tears left both of my eyes. I felt Sei-kun move closer towards me until he was only a few inches away from me. I felt both of his hands cup my cheeks making me lift up my head. I don't want this. I was crying and here in front of me was Akashi Seijuro staring at me with those eyes of his. I cried, even more, when I saw his expression.
"I'm sorry, I really am"
That was when I felt like a box being opened by Pandora, the emotions that I so closely locked up were now in the open. Like a child, I gripped at his arms and started bawling. Why is it that it only took five words from him for me to let these emotions loose once again?
"Hanabi"
"I hate you"
Why is it always you? Why does it always have to be you? Why...
"Why did you do it?"
I stared at his eyes and unlike before, I can finally see his emotions. He removed his hands from my face and just stayed there staring at me.
"Alibis like I wasn't myself or I never wanted to lose you would just make you angrier right? But I never really wanted to lose you but then, I saw you leaving me and I thought I never want you of all people to leave me"
"Leave you?"
"When I saw you get into that accident, I blamed myself. I promised to protect you but I couldn't do it, and it was because of that weakness that I... I decided that it was better to let you go than to have you leave me"
What the hell?
"Was it all for your pride?"
"Maybe. But I was scared of the thought of you leaving me like everyone else. I couldn't hold you anymore Hanabi, you were a being that was slowly losing from my grasp and it scared me. I disappointed you, I couldn't even protect you. You were seeing how much of a failure I am and it scared me."
I stared at him, the tears that I shed earlier all dried up now and I am well aware that the only expression that I have is wrath.
"You're stupid Akashi, has anyone told you that"
And for the first time, I saw Sei-kun expressed his shock was it because of what I called him, or was it because of how I expressed it. I don't want to know now.
"Hanabi"
"I told you before that I will always stay by your side. You clearly know how I felt for you. You know I wasn't like the others who left you but..."
I bit my lower lip, I was fuming right now. After all of those years, he still didn't trust me enough to know that I would never leave. I had thought he understood me so well but I guess he never really knew me for him to still have his doubts.
"You should know that you're the one who hurt me the most."
I gasped lightly when I saw a tear roll down from his eyes. This was the first time, the very first time that I saw him cry.
"I'm sorry Hanabi, give me another chance. I can't... I don't want to lose you again"
"That's so low you know, I thought you said you won't beg me to come back"
"I am now... I want you back, I don't want to lose you all over again"
I chuckled lightly but we both know there was no humor in it. I stared at him and shook my head, a gesture that made him bolt on his feet.
"Hanabi"
"I loved you, you know"
I felt another tear roll out of my eyes but I didn't bother to wipe them out away.
"More than anyone I have only loved you. I thought you knew that I thought you know me well enough to know that I will never leave you and that nothing you do can disappoint me and yet..."
"Hanabi I'm sorry"
I shooked my head and started to run away from the room. To run away from him. I could hear him calling out to me but I never bothered to turn around. I don't want this. This confrontation makes my heart ache so much. The emotions ready to burst out and I don't want to say anything more painful.
"Hanabi"
"Leave me alone"
Before he could even reach me, I slammed the room door shut and held it close.
"Hanabi Please"
"Just leave me alone please, I can't. I can't talk to you right now and I don't want to. Please just leave me alone. I won't do anything just... I just can't talk to you right now"
It was painful, so painful that all I can ever do is run away. I don't like confrontations, I never did.
"I won't give up on you Hanabi, not again"
I placed my other hand in front of my mouth to prevent a sniffle from escaping. Not a while later there was silence at the other end of the door. I slumped at the floor and put both of my hands in my face. Then I cried again, over and over until all that was left was nothing. For hours I stared at the ceiling wondering what had gone wrong with our relationship.
When did it start to fall apart? As I was wondering this a thought suddenly came to my mind. A reason why you brought me here.
I smile sadly and realized that we both were just stupid. As the snow fall outside, I can't help but wonder, will they pile up tomorrow or will they just melt away. Like our emotions, each and every one of us, I can't help but wonder if they too will keep on piling up or melt away.
I took out my phone and opened the case. Inside I took out a tiny picture, one that I had kept after all of these years. It was one of our first and I never really had the strength to throw it away. I stared at you. You who were years younger weren't smiling in the picture but your eyes glowed with happiness. I smiled to myself before silently muttering the words that I should've said to you earlier.
"Happy birthday Sei-kun"