Even though I already had decided what to do, I figured out that I should handle this situation in a mature way. So I decided that there was no harm in hearing his side more. I mean I did already heard his explanation but I can't shake the feeling that there was still something missing with the whole picture.
I stared outside, it had been days and Sei-kun continued acting as nothing happened. I can't say that I didn't appreciate the space because honestly, it had made me think more clearly. I glanced at the other side and watched Sei-kun giving out instructions to some of the maids. It's only an hour before Christmas and they had been so busy preparing for this holiday. I raised up my legs and hugged them. I stared at the busy redhead longer. I was finally able to sort out my feelings for him and that might have been one of the deciding factors on what I want to do.
After giving a few more instructions, he dismissed the maids, brushed his hair up with his hands before glancing at me. I didn't even dare look away when he smiled my way but I can feel my heart pounding loudly. He took some steps until he was finally seated across from me. He crossed his legs before looking outside at the window. Outside a willow tree stood, its leaves swaying along with the cold wind. The snow had stopped dropping and had melted already. The only thing that had stayed was the uncomfortable silence between us.
"Have you contacted your grandma?"
He shifted his gaze to me before smiling again. I nodded lightly and continued to bury half of my face on my legs.
"Yuki and Shiro said that the winter season was their season"
I looked up at him and shifted my head slightly to my right.
"They said that?"
Sei-kun nodded while smiling.
"They were talkative and so full of life, no wonder you fell in love with them"
I looked at him before dropping my legs back on the floor. There was one thing that I had been curious about and I guess this is the perfect chance to ask him about it.
"That day, why were you really at the restaurant?"
He stared at me and continued to smile. This past few days he had been smiling like how he smiled back in middle school and I can feel this excruciating pounding in my chest every time he does it.
"I needed to get you back Hanabi"
"Haven't you ever thought that I might not want to be back?"
His smile dropped and what replaced it was a sad smile. He uncrossed his legs and leaned on me placing both of his elbows on his legs.
"I did, but whenever I remember that you were there during the championship game there was the small hope that I might still have a chance to be with you. Even if it was a little chance, I wanted to take it Hanabi. I told you I don't want to lose you again."
You could tell that he was sincere and his eyes had told them too. I just stared at him back,
"So when Kise had told us that you really were back, I didn't want to let go of that chance once again. I pleaded for forgiveness from your grandmother, and I am willing to do the same to you. I really can't lose you once again Hanabi"
It had shocked me to know that the emperor of the court had pleaded forgiveness and is still pleading. Sei-kun had always been the prideful one but that was also because he was so sure that nothing will go wrong with his plans. All composed and perfect that was who he was and yet right now, right here, he was pleading before me.
Now that I think of it, maybe the others had also felt the same way. I chuckled slightly which may have looked so weird for Sei-kun since he gave me a side glance. I knew that something was wrong with each one of them. I only realized it these past few days, those times that they could've told me what was wrong but still chose to be silent was because they were also scared. Each one of them was changing, and that change was never for the better. They were scared of the fact that no one would ever be enough to stop them.
I already get that but the fact that they never went to visit me during my darkest times is still painful. After all, as much as they rely on me they should've known that I rely on them more. They were my first friends, the first people who never really scorned me and saw me as a person that was enough to stand by their side.
"Hanabi?"
I looked at Sei-kun who was now eyeing me worriedly.
"Can you answer one more question?"
Sei-kun nodded at me and in return, I breathed out deeply. I told myself that I was done running away. Whatever he says now, there was only one way to resolve this peacefully.
"When I got in an accident..."
As I trailed off, Sei-kun's posture had become visibly stiff. He may not be ready and expecting me to bring this up but I need to know.
"Why didn't you show up? Why didn't you ever went to visit me?"
Truth is... Last night while I was talking with grandma she had told me what Sei-kun told her. About the reason why they never came. The reason why they never visited. I want to know right now if he really had changed for the better or the worse. If he tells me the truth then the friendship that we all had once, the friendship that I built with the generation of the miracles would come to an end.
But if he lies, if he chooses to not tell me the real reason and chooses to hide that fact, then our friendship might have the chance of being restored. At least that's what I deduced to be his reasoning at this moment's silence. Minutes had passed before he let out a deep breath, stood up, and kneeled in front of me.
Sei-kun held my hand and brought it to his chest. I didn't know why he did it but feeling how his heart beats so fast in his chest was overwhelming. I stare at his deep red eyes and felt my face getting hotter. He was looking up at me as he firmly held my hand in place. He gripped it tighter and begun answering my answer.
"I'm not the idiot that I once was Hanabi, I'll tell you the truth because I know that the others would find a way to mend their sins to you. I'll tell you the truth because you deserve it"
And for the first time since I had come here, I felt myself lightening up. Like one of the elephant's feet was taken off of my chest. Because that was all I ever wanted. All I ever wanted was to know the truth. It's scary being in the dark, and knowing that you weren't trustworthy enough to know the truth hurts more.
"I want you to know that we did visit you, at least not all at once. When I saw you getting hit by that car, all I can think about was that I was going to lose you. It scared the hell out of me. It was excruciating just waiting for you to wake up but when you finally did well... The rift between the guys and me suddenly grew larger"
I clenched my other hand and waited for him to continue talking.
"I wasn't aware of it until that day. I blamed myself, the guys also did after all you wouldn't run like that if I didn't say harsh words to you. I tried going to you but every time I do, someone was there to stop me. To remind me of the fact that you became like that because of me. I'm sorry Hanabi but after constantly being told that it was my fault, I initially gave up and told myself that I would just look after you from afar but then you moved far away. You left without saying anything and I constantly told myself that it was for the best but please know that it was hard to endure. I..."
Sei-kun stopped speaking and looked up at me with confusion and worry in his red eyes. He held my hand tighter as he takes in my crying face. Like a water balloon bursting, I kneeled along with him and hugged him tightly. I buried my face in the nook of Sei-kun's neck and cried. I held him tightly and just let myself cry like a child in his arms. It didn't take him long enough to hold me tightly.
"I had told myself over and over again that you not being by my side was for the best. That restraining myself from going after you and contacting you was the right course of action. Because you wouldn't be hurt anymore but you don't know how much I longed to hold you like this again."
Back when I first landed in the States, I had this little hope that Sei-kun might come after me after all he was capable of going after me. After a few weeks and months of hoping that the guys would come to their senses, which they didn't, I gave up. I focused on my recuperation and tried to remove them from my memory as much as possible. But it was hard, I was always overwhelmed by the sudden surge of sadness and the bittersweet memories that had remained.
"Hanabi, I am in love with you, will you look at me?"
Sei-kun tried to push me away but I only hugged him tighter. This is the first time. The very first time he had told me how he feels for me. The first time he told me he loved me. I feel like I'll only burst more into tears if I look at him.
"I..."
I sniffled loudly as I hug him tighter.
"I still can't forgive you. It's not that easy to forget everything but..."
I breathed in and pushed him lightly. I bowed my head as I held on to his shoulders.
"But I want to start anew, If we can start something new again. If I can finally let all those pain go. If by then, your feelings are the same then I would still want to be with you. So can you wait? Can you still wait for me to fix this?"
This was the resolution that I wanted. This was the conclusion that I had thought of. I cried anxiously as I waited for his reply but then I felt both of his hands hold my face. He lifted it up and before I knew it his lips were pressed flat on mine. He pulled away after a few seconds but the feeling of his soft lips against mine was still there. That was when I had noticed the tears in his eyes too. He held my face and smiled. Amidst the tears that were freely flowing from his eyes, his smile melted my heart.
"I will wait for you Hanabi, I'll stay by your side. I'll never go away and will wait until you tell me to take you back or run in my arms again. I love you and I don't want to lose you. Not again"
I buried my face in my palms and cried more. I guess my love for him had run deeper than I thought. I could feel his hands patting my head and right there I felt as if it was okay to be vulnerable once again. Because now, I have him again by my side. Whether he would keep his promise of staying by my side or not, only time could tell. Sei-kun moved closer and kissed the top of my head.
"Merry Christmas Hanabi, you are the best gift I could ever have this holiday"
Whether or not he really could wait.
Whether or not our friendship along with the others can be restored.
Whether or not the old relationships we had can be turned back once more.
Only time can tell.
I realized that was all we ever needed.
Time.
Time to realize how much we had hurt each other. Time to realize what procedures we should do to mend the broken relationships that we have. Time to heal.