She couldn't be as sincere as he was, yes. And in more ways than one.
Even as Desmond was opening up in front of her, and especially now, in a moment of stillness and silence, Christina had been thinking about one thing. One detail that seemed vital.
Jacob had asked her if she could heal him, even though his wounds were incurable by magic.
When she' d said no, he'd just walked away.
Without asking him if he couldn't do the same thing he had done to Desmond with some of the fallen.
As if he knew she was lying and was just playing along. It didn't have to be interpreted in the worst possible way. Maybe, in the crushing disappointment, he had forgotten to ask that question. Or he had stopped caring.
In any case, if he knew she was lying, there was nothing she could do to avoid the possible consequences.
Not for Desmond and not for herself, not anymore.
And if he didn't know, she would be expected to do her thing the next time there was a crisis, in her career as a soldier... she was already committed to a lie she had told in the heat of the moment. If she couldn't come up with a good excuse, she was screwed.
But there was no lie so convenient as to make them believe without reservation that she'd been able to resurrect Desmond, but it wouldn't be possible with anyone else they put in front of her, no, of course not.
So she was screwed, one way or the other. It was just a matter of time.
If she didn't come up with something....
Desmond hadn't noticed. He hadn't thought about it. Maybe he would find out in the future, but not from her lips. He didn't need to know and worry unnecessarily. They had suffered the same thing today.
But as much as misery loved company, it would be petty and pointless to spread her pain if it would gain no one anything. Least of all herself.
"Hey..."
"Yes?"
What was the matter now, couldn't they have a moment's peace? Now, for some reason, he seemed even more apprehensive than before. He couldn't think why.
"You saw the survivors, didn't you? Among them... there was a girl who...."
Christina's eyes opened wide.
Desmond was talking about the girl he'd literally died for, taking a shot aimed at her. Fuck, she wouldn't be surprised if the headmaster had forgotten to ask the question, if even she had forgotten something that important.
How long had doubt and fear been eating away at him, wondering if it had been worth anything, his sacrifice?
From the first moment Desmond had woken up... that would be if he had remembered dying, but he hadn't... So it couldn't have come to him so quickly. Still, he must have spent too much time with that dark doubt rolling around in his head.
"She's alive. Don't worry, you saved her."
"Thank you. You've taken a big load off my mind."
"So you remember. How you died. I wasn't sure about that."
"Yes." Crossed his hands behind his back. "Can't say I wish I didn't. I died instantly, without even realizing I was doing it."
"They say it's the best way to die."
"But it seems the worst to me. When I die... When I die for real, I want to be aware of every second... But enough of this morbid talk. I don't want to make you feel any worse than you must be feeling, and I haven't been doing a very good job of that. "He shook his head. I'm... I'm going to go and see her. "
"I'll go with you."
"Why? "
"Because we're a team, Desmond. "
"I see. "He smiled, but looked at her as if he didn't quite believe it.
Christina couldn't blame him.
Christina couldn't say what was happening to her either. If these feelings were genuine or if she had simply anchored herself to Desmond's need to belong somewhere, to have someone, mistaking it for her own.
If this boy's feelings were shaping her in a different way.
Still, this felt right to her.
For the moment, it was enough.
I'll make you believe in it, she thought. Because, for better or worse, we're a team. I don't think I'm going to be able to leave you alone.
■
Christina walked back into the tower, and he followed close behind.
Of course. There hadn't been enough survivors to have been forced to repeat them between the towers, Amy could only be there. He should have imagined it, but he wasn't thinking. His head was foggy with pain and exhaustion.
Yes, Amy was there. But they didn't find her resting on her bed. She was wandering around, even though she didn't seem to be in any condition to do so.
Well, he couldn't criticize her, he had done the same. Because he simply couldn't sit still.
"Amy.
She heard him, gasped. She looked at him as if she'd seen a ghost.
She approached him with a staggering step. He thought of what to say, but could think of nothing.
And he was hugged for the second time in the same day.
"I'm so glad you're all right," she said, on the verge of tears.
Only then did he realize that from her point of view exactly that had happened. That she had seen a ghost. The last she had heard from him was his "death". For some reason, she hadn't seen what had happened to the spider.
What he had done to that monster.
She tentatively hugged him back.
"But I don't understand. I... I... I saw you die. This isn't happening, is it?"
"Listen to me," Christina said, seeing that he was speechless. "He died, it's true. But I brought him back to life."
Amy broke away from him. Her gaze passed between the two of them.
"Impossible. That can't... "
"Forget about what's supposed to be possible or not. You saw how the bullet went through his heart. And now he's here, standing right in front of you. It's more than possible. It's real."
"I... "Amy swallowed. She ducked her head. I'm sorry. Because of me, you... If I'd stayed where I was supposed to be, if I hadn't tried, because of my stupid pride...."
"I made a decision and I paid for it. You don't need to complicate it by blaming yourself, because it's not your fault." The words finally came out. And it even sounded good, even if it wasn't something he believed himself, not entirely.
I mean, he didn't mean to blame her. He didn't hate her for it. But it's not like she was blameless, going out into battle in that state.
Still, as he had thought before, he would have done the same in her place.
He wouldn't have left his fate in other people's hands even if he could barely move.
So there was no point in getting angry at her for anything.
"And thank you... Thank you... What's your name?" When she turned her head to look at the girl beside him, he saw that the tears were no longer in her eyes.
That they had spilled over.
He couldn't hold her gaze any longer.
She just feels guilty, he reminded himself. That's all it is. It's not because of you. There was nothing special between them.
Why did he feel so ashamed that his cheeks had flushed, anyway? What kind of idiot was he? A woman like that would never notice him, let alone so soon, without them having barely interacted, he wasn't that handsome. Ha, quite the opposite.
Besides, he'd come to this place to be a soldier. Not to chase skirts.
"I'm sorry for worrying you all this time," Desmond said. "I should have come for you at once, but I was afraid to ask after you and hear that it had been for nothing, my death. That you were dead."
Amy looked at him, incredulous. Christina seemed to share the sentiment.
"What a strange person you are. "Amy wiped away her tears with the back of one hand. In your position, every person would demand an apology. And in no case would they apologize. Or at least they would only do it to make themselves look good, without feeling it."
Desmond shrugged.
"Well, they should," feeling like an idiot, feeling very out of place.
"Are you aware of the situation? "Christina asked. For a second, he thought she was addressing him, for some reason. Too self-conscious.
"Enough. We've won, but at what cost? Among the students, there are only the three of us and seven others left."
"And what about what's going to happen now? With the academy?"
"I haven't heard anything about that, no. No. I'd say the obvious is going to happen. But if you've asked me that, there's a reason."
Amy went to sit down on one of the benches in the corridor, once there she sighed with relief.
"You should sit down too," Christina said. He didn't argue.
He put his back against the wall just in front of the bench, crossed his ankles, his arms.
"Desmond knows some of this, but only some."
Some?
"Yes, don't look at me like that. The director let me in with him to make you talk, if you were uncooperative. And to tell you what I'm going to tell you now. Survivors are free to team up. They won't even object to an extra member, so as not to separate those who want to stay together... although that wouldn't have been a problem for us. We have the perfect number right here."
"You don't even have to ask. I don't know who else is left, but I don't know them, I don't care about them. And I'm not going to risk getting with people who haven't been through their first battle. The team wouldn't work like that.
"I didn't ask you," said Christina, "but you agree, don't you?"
"All perfect as far as I'm concerned."
"Well, that's fine."
"It's settled," said all three of them at once, as if they had rehearsed it.
■
"Yes, it's confirmed. He's one of them. No doubt, I saw his heart regenerate.... No, how a new heart grew in his chest. No, there's no sign of the target. She seems to have left him to his own devices, but, knowing her, she must be keeping watch. Yeah. Yes. We'll be in touch."