Fear. People see it as a brick wall, or something else entirely. I don't know. I'm not a friggin psychiatrist. But I will tell you what I am. Afraid. And the fear I feel..have always felt is like a parasite. It burrows deep within me sapping my strength. Allowing my insecurities to come to the foreground.
This is how I feel currently. I've felt this way since that terrible nightmare. It wasnt this bad before. But as time passes that parasite burrows deeper. And it'll only get worse.
I'm now at my humble abode with Ta'no and Luca. The twins said something about having curfew. They're more mature than I gave them credit. Either that or they're taking this chance to screw with someone.
I knock on the door. Wonder whose home. Son most likely. I kind of picture Ryan ditching us to go on another adventure.
After a minute Ryan opens the door with half a bagel in his mouth.
Taking the bagel out of his mouth he smiles saying "Welcome." to my two guest
Both Ya'no and Luca walk in saying "hi".
Just as I'm about to walk in Ryan places a firm hand on my shoulder.
"You should've told me you were bringing home company." He whispers. He doesn't particularly seem upset.
"I tried" which I did. "But the service is acting wonky." Which it is. Before I brought the two here I called a few times. I show Ryan my call out log. When he sees it an eyebrow arches.
"That's no good." he calls my phone on his. But no dice. Simply not not connecting.
"I'll talk to someone about it tomorrow. Ask your friends if this is normal around here."
Nodding I walk through and Ryan closes the door. The home is more tidy so that's good. I'm not really too concerned about the place we did a number on it yesterday after all. I can still smell the lavender.
Luca is enjoying my old foosball table. And Ryan enjoys it with him. I look over at Ya'no seeing opportunity. Not the kind I normally would though. I'm actually curious as to why these two wanted to come over after j tind them my dream and about the child they never confirmed existing. Maybe they think I'm crazy. but who'd come to a crazy person's house. The look on their faces seemed like this was normal but unexpected.
"Ya'no" I call over to the Raven haired beauty checking out our awesome flatscreen tv. "Got something in my room you'd gotta see."
"I definitely heard that one before." she walks in my direction to the hallway.
"Doesn't sound like a no." I grin. I know the look on my face is stupid right now. she laughes but I'm actually not In the mood for what it seem like I'm in the mood for. plus my brother and Luca is here. Eww. Yuck. No. I feel like I can get Ya'no to tell me why she's really here. I got game but my game has been shit since I got here. The house is throwing me off. That dream threw me off. Luca body slammed me. Everything is just weird today. Honestly I just want to have fun but i feel like i cant for some reason..
I open the door to my room. It's just as i left it. The smell of cashmere blows out like an open breeze and it just pleases me everytime how neat my room looks. It makes me feel good. Ya'no is probably amazed at how great my room is.....
"Woo!" She practically belly flops my now wrinkled bed. OMYGOD! My Bed!
"What's this?" She opens up what was an unopened bottle of vintage cologne I was collecting. She sprays if and whiffs it in. Oh jeez its messing with the cashmere. I have to end this.
"Hey Ya'no---" i began but is cut off seeing her reaching for what is essentially my personal journal.
I grip her hand tightly against my chest only a few inches away from her face. I moved faster than i ever have in a long time. I hold her chin in my free hand state "your manners are terrible" she giggles keeping eye contact with me. I remain constant...or at least I try to. "Why are you here?" She blushes, her eyes wide and a slow smile approaches her almond curved face. Wow her eyes are big and beautifully blue. Like a wolf in the night. I want to kiss her. I think I can. I wont. But i definitely feel something here.
"You invited me to your room remember." she breaks the silence playfully pushing me away. I think I'm blushing. I mean she can't see it...or maybe she can. God I'm glad I was born a solid brown color. Thanks dad.
"Yeah but you asked to come over to my home." she smiles at me but looks away. I cant lose her yet. "You never confirmed any children breaking or entering." I compose myself.
"That's because theres no child that fit the description you gave." maybe she doesn't know. I mean she couldn't possibly know every child in the village. And as if to disprove my current though she continues.
"I'd know because I work closely with my aunt at the school for children here. I tend to watch anyone under the age of 16 here...because we had an incident a few years back."
My heart sinks. The parasite burrows deeper. My fear grows.
"Are you sure?" I ask. Feeling a little sick.
"Yes." She stated clearly. But if felt like mud. Like theres something else. But I feel weird. I cant focus straight for some reason.
I couldn't have hallucinated it could I? I dont have those problems. I mean...mom did but it's not hereditary...though I have been seeing weird stuff in college too. stuff other ppl didn't but that's just a trick of the light.
"Look, we came over because we like you and we just wanted to..." she pauses looking down. she looks up holding my hand tightly.
"I just wanted to check on you. I really like you."
"I dont--" i began but my sentence is cut short due to a gagging in my throat. I exit my room quickly and into the bathroom puking my guts out.
I dont come out of the restroom even after Ya'no and Luca leaves. Of course Ryan checks in on me. Ya'no said she hope's I feel better blah blah blah shell see me tomorrow. Luca made a losing bet about beating me at foosball tomorrow. I said nothing to either of them. it's not like I didn't want to. I just couldn't....did Ya'no confess to me...and I puked as a response....God I'm so embarrassed. But at least I feel way better now that I've "released" myself. I gotta clear up that misunderstanding. Must be the stress getting to me. Alot has happened.
I turn on the sink and wash my mouth out and run water on my face. I look in the mirror. I see myself but I look different. Gotta cheer myself up. If not for myself I need to do it for my brothers. They've also been through alot. I cant give them something else to worry about. I turn off the water and open the door, hearing Son and Drake walk in. I see them carrying in meat and a mobile grill.
At least some good is coming out of tonight.
Time for some Barbecue. As I walk up to join my brothers I Scratch the back of my neck.