I decided to never open my mouth when I left NIS, two years ago. I wanted to block each and every moment that happened behind those large pale walls. Those walls were so high and strong that it was nearly impossible for any truth to penetrate them. Even though I clamped shut my mouth, I couldn't hold it in. As much as I tried to push it down further, it kept building inside me like poison. That's the thing about truth, it scratches your insides with her sharp venomous claws until you puke it out. That's what I did. I emptied myself to Neil. He knew it all. He had known everything about me from the beginning.
"Do you want to talk about it?", Neil asked taking a sip of his coffee. There was no one besides us at the coffeehouse by now. We had been here for two hours now and hadn't spoken a single word. This was his second cup. I handed him the envelope. Surprised, he took it in a quick motion and started reading it straight away. His eyes were scanning every line as if he could find something beneath them. His hands clutched that feeble piece of paper and then sat it down on the table. I took a sip of my lemonade which Neil ordered because when he arrived, I could barely speak. I couldn't consume coffee, because my anxiety would have hit the sky if I drank any. I hadn't had it in two years. After a few minutes, he looked up from that letter and took my hand.
"I don't know why they'd send this to me", I spoke while breathing through my mouth. "I clearly asked them to never contact me. Greg called me again, a few days back, but obviously, I hung up. I don't know what they want now, I don't know-".
"Relax Sara", Neil squeezed my hand lightly. I took a deep breath and exhaled.
"You are hyperventilating", he gave me a small reassuring smile.
"I think it's time that you face them", he continued. I started to form my lips as to say a big no. but he cut me off.
"They are being very cautious when it comes to you. They are persistent but they are understanding your boundaries or at least they are trying to. They could have shown up at your door, but they didn't. The most you can do is hear them out.", he paused. "I am not asking you to get involved with them again or to go in for whatever they want, but listening to them won't hurt anyone right?"
I walked my way back home. A gentle breeze was touching my face. 'Maybe Neil was right. Maybe I should call back.' After our talk, Neil had some work so I insisted on walking back home by myself. When I reached my lawn, I saw my mother sitting on the broken swing. My heart ached for her. She was sitting there staring into broken memories. I entered the lawn and a dried broken leaf got crushed under my shoe which made her aware of my presence. She blinked off a few tears and shooed away her excruciating memories. "Ma? What's wrong?" I asked her, nearing the swing. She shook her head and didn't utter a word. That was something she used to do when she didn't want to share. I sat beside her, but that made her move further away from me. "what's wrong? Did I do something? At least tell me." She didn't reply. For thirty minutes I kept on begging her to tell me what was going on but she did not let go of her rigid stubborn stance.
Unable to change her mind, I left her in the garden and dragged myself into my hollow and right then an empty house. I could hear the tap dripping in the kitchen. I went to the kitchen and saw a letter sitting there.
"From NIS-EYP"
"Goddammit! You, stupid letter! Stop sending me these letters", I picked it up and tore it. I kept on tearing it until I couldn't find any bigger pieces left to destroy further. I rammed my hands across the table. 'I can't take it anymore. I did not do it. I did not do it. Stop contacting me.' I went to my bag and swirled my hand inside it, looking for my phone.
"What do you want, Greg? What is it? For god's sake leave me alone", I reached his voicemail. It erupted. The anger inside me erupted. I screamed, screamed so hard that if anyone out there was listening to me, he would listen to the sound of the pain he had given me. He would listen to the sound of lost hope, he had snatched it from me. Ma came running to the kitchen to see what happened and she found me sitting against the front wall. I was a crumpling ball of tears and anger. I looked at her standing at the door. I could see how much pain I had inflicted on her. I could sense the disappointment.
"I understand what you're feeling, and I am very sorry Sara", Greg said after listening to my 45 minute outburst. After I left a message for him, I went to bed. Then he called about 100 times and woke me up in my mid-sleep.
I took a deep breath hoping to find some shreds of patience if I was left with any. I wanted him to continue so that I didn't lash out at him further.
"I am just here to make an offer. We need you. We can pick off from where we left. We might have a crucial project nearing us and we still haven't found a perfect substitute for you.", he said hesitantly.
His bulky voice was breaking in parts. I couldn't figure out whether he was angry or he was about to cry. He was like a father figure to me. We had a very special spectrum of feelings between us, he was strict in his manners but I knew he was somewhere soft towards me. He was almost impossible to read.
"I can't do it, Greg. Stop trying to convince me", I replied coldly.
"I am not convincing you. I know you are doing a job that does not do any justice to the potential you possess and you know it. You don't have to decide right now. We are giving you 15 days. Whatever you decide, you can stop by the local branch to tell us about it. And we won't bother you ever again.", he finished.
"Bye Greg", I hung up and collapsed on the bed.