"I know", I said, breathing it out a little too quickly.
"What?", he raised his eyebrows.
"I know you are because you want an apology and yes, I am sorry because ma told me everything" A confused expression crossed his face as if he was having a hard time believing me. I rubbed my foot against the corner of this metallic black table. This was the nearest place I could find after my father showed up at Neil's place unannounced.
After visiting my mother, the other day in the hospital, I made up my mind to save this family. Even if it was hard to believe I wasn't in any place to concrete my judgments against any of them.
"No child, I don't want any apologies, I just want us to live together as we used to do." He sighed.
"You had a very beautiful childhood. We would just sit under a tree together and listen to the radio laugh together", I saw a sweet little smile on his face.
"I miss it too", I admitted, looking down at my palms.
"And remember when I brought that swing in our garden you and your mom never got out of it, we clicked so many pictures" he went far down into our sunny past.
"Then what went wrong?" I asked hesitantly. I didn't want to ruin this conversation. It's the closest I had felt to my family in days.
"I got a lot of work on my plate and your mother distanced herself. You do what you've got to do, make money for your family and give them the life they deserve. So that's what I did. I took on big projects which were way out of my comfort zone" he said avoiding my eyes.
"And when your mother got to know about it. She isolated herself and hung our marriage and this on these dangerous ropes", for some reason this conversation seemed so unfair to my mother, but I kept my mouth shut. I wanted to desperately collect every scrap of love I could.
"I don't want my family to break apart, I won't let it". He sighed heavily. It looked as if his chest was loaded with everything that had happened in his life. My heart ached a little at every breath he was taking. I had been hard on him, too hard actually. I wanted to put everything behind us but my mother's bruises which I had noticed for quite some time were persistently nudging me. I was a little skeptical but I blocked every doubt of mine and believed him.
Later at night I packed my stuff and thanked Neil and his mother for letting me stay and much more. It was time to go and fix my family.
My house was as good as new. I entered my house and everything was fixed. No one could find the cracks and the damage behind the polished floors and freshly painted walls. No one cared, not even me. As I walked past the kitchen an overwhelming feeling washed over me.
I don't want my family to break apart, I won't let it
These words echoed in my mind on a loop like a broken record.
I went directly upstairs to my room, I didn't want to see papa right now. I lit a cigarette and sat by my window and looked outside into the infinite sky. It was a starless night. A group of people walked down the street chatting and laughing together. It was quiet.
I heard a knock that startled me. I didn't want to be caught smoking, especially in the room. I put it off and threw it down the window.
"Yes?" my father entered the room, not acknowledging the fact that I clearly didn't want to see him.
"Hi just wanted to tell you that your mother is coming home tomorrow hopefully" he announced with a strange smile.
"okay" His hands were full of envelopes and magazine
"And also I wanted to drop in your mails but this is getting clumsier by every minute" he placed his phone down on my bed and went to my desk to sort the envelopes.
Only then his phone rang and Dr. Martin appeared on the screen. "Ma's doctor is calling you"
"Oh," he said, focused on doing whatever he was doing. "I will talk to him later" he waved it off as if it was the least important thing in the world right now.
"But what if-" I didn't get to finish that sentence.
"Okay so I am leaving goodnight yellow" he picked up his phone and shut the door behind him hastily.
"What?"
I sighed and went up to my desk. I lit another cigarette and started going through the magazines that had been piling up for a month now I guess. I saw a mustard-colored envelope. My eyes almost fell out of their socket, I finished my cigarette in a minute, threw most of it away. It was labeled under
NIS-EYP
"Oh my god", I shrieked.
Two days passed and my mother still hadn't come home.
When I asked her about it, she said "they want to run some tests." I nodded to wear off impatience.
"Ma is there anything you want to tell me?" I instantly regretted asking her because I knew the answer.
"Nothing"
"Anyway, I have an introductory meeting today at the Florina branch of NIS. And uh my work is starting from tomorrow"
She touched my face with a feeble smile "Congratulations! sweetheart. I knew you would make it"
"Thanks, Ma", I smiled back and left for the meeting.
I thought I was creating a ship
Devoid of any empty passengers
But now that I see it sinking
In the vast lonely sea
I know I failed