Being burdened with thoughts beyond my control. I walk towards Jingshi to change into a fresh pair of clothes when my steps slow down as I see a known face standing at the gates of
Jingshi with a warm smile. Lady Zhi Ruo.
Bowing down her gaze finds mine and
the warmth in her eyes are different
than ones from before.
"Wangji," she calls my name and I am taken aback. No one other than my brother and Uncle has ever called me Wangji. Handing over the vial to me she continues, "Medicine for your wounds." Her voice is soft and I am as impassive as ever. When I don't make a move to take the vial from her, Lady Zhi Ruo's smile deepens and prods me to understand."Wangji, I am absolutely aware of your feelings from our last conversation. I don't intend to have any relationship with you other than that maybe of a platonic friendship." "Then please don't come to Jingshi, you're not allowed inside" I simply
state and she nods.
"Yes, you asked me not to enter, and giving respect to your words, I am waiting outside for you, and isn't it one of the rules of Gusu clan that when one student is in pain the
other must help?" Raising her eyebrows Lady Zhi Ruo questions and I must admit that she is right, but I still make no moves to take the vial. "Wangji, trust me, I get where your," she pauses and her eyes hold a lot of meaning to it "heart is." The swirl of emotions in there is immense. "I would never dare to come in between-" closing her eyes she does not complete her statement, instead places the vial at footsteps of Jingshi.
Bowing down she is about to leave
when she turns back and her question
held a conviction in it. "Is the pain
worth it in the end, Wangji?" Not wait
for my reply as she knew her soul won't
get any from me, she walks away.
her. Trust me, there is no love triangle
here. You'll grow to like her eventually).
Placing fresh pair of clothes on bank of the sacred Cold Pool, I disrobe myself and enter the water body. Submerging myself completely inside the water, I welcome the cold sting that envelopes me. This is what I am used to. This is probably what I deserve. At the feel of cold water entering my broken skin and burn is what I welcome. Solidarity
Where no one ever bothers about Lan
Wangji.
But things have changed in these past
few weeks. This one boy for whom I
have yearned for a decade, he finally
took notice of me, but, he doesn't
remember me. He never did.
I am a soul that is easily forgotten.
I am used to it.
My heart has turned out to be like this
cold icy water.
I am a husk of a man who has always
been treated aloof.
But one question remains, probably what was asked from me for the first
time.
Is it worth it?
Is the pain worth it?
Rather for me the question I need to
answer is 'Is he worth it?" and without
a second thought, my inner core
answers for me 'Yes he is worth it. He's
worth everything.
I just wish I could tell him. I wish I could tell him everything. But why? Why does he effect me so much? Why is it that when I was flogged it didn't matter to me but every time he winced, it pained me? Why every limp of his, shredded my heart into pieces? Why every deep breath of his, made me want to break that stick? Why did I want to cover him with my hody and beg them not to touch him but they could kill me if they wish to? Why? What does he mean to me?
The inner voice roars... Everything!
Maybe... Just maybe...