Alex's POV
These past few days I feel like someone is choking me and taking the life out of me. The feeling of pain around your neck and chest and the lack of breath, you want to scream but you can't even if you tried. The confusion of being lost and wanting something. I have difficulty understanding how I feel.
Deep inside me I know I'll be okay and that eventually everything will work out. But I just need a minute or two to pull myself together, because sometimes the shit life throws at me is so heavy.
I need some alone time to process my thoughts. I don't want to say things to Piper that I might regret later, but most importantly I don't want to hurt her so I chose to distance myself from arguments and fighting. I love my wife no matter what and I respect her. Yes, I am angry, but that doesn't give me an excuse to be mean and unkind towards her.
I used to be the type of person to face my problem head on. But I am so angry and distraught right now that I don't want to cloud my judgement. I am not distancing myself from Piper just to spite her, but I am doing this for myself. Staying away from altercation and conflict.
Having a child is something I always wanted. I want to have all the experiences that my mom had with me. It wasn't all perfect and pleasurable but I want to experience taking my kid camping, or go to Disneyland and teach him or her how to swim and throw punches. I want to hug him and kiss him and tell him "I love you" every single day. And I want to tell him that the world is a better place because he's in it. The longing that I have is not something I can't just ignore.
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I am always the first one to wake up everyday and I discover that going for a jog first thing in the morning helps me think and clear my mind.
Piper usually leaves early for work so by the time I get home after my jog she already left. I would then spend my time cleaning around the house and make sure everything is neat and clean for, Piper.
This past couple days I spent my time hanging out with Arizona. I'm glad to have finally found a friend apart from Nicky. I didn't tell her about my problem and I wasn't planning to, so I tried so hard to act happy when I'm with her and I think it's working. I don't think she's aware that something's troubling me right now.
Tonight we're going to the bar. She said she wants to unwind after a stressful week at work so we are going to the lesbian bar where we first met.
After making sure that the house is clean, I took a shower and quicky left.
Arizona arrived there first. The bar is not that far from the hospital where she works and when I got there I found her sitting on the bar stool.
"Arizona!". I called her. She look up and smile at me. I notice she already ordered us a drink.
"Hey you! First round's on me by the way" She smiled at me and hands me my drink. "Actually, all round's are on me. Here".
"Aww, thank you. But you know you don't have to do that". I stated.
"I know, but I want to. Come on let's go outside". I followed behind her to the observation deck and we settled in one of the table and talk casually for a little bit about our day before she asked me a serious question.
"How are you holding up?".
"What?". I was a little surprised by her question.
"Tell me Alex, what is really going on with you?" She peered at me.
"I don't know what you mean". I tried to play dumb. So she noticed.
"Alright, listen. I don't know enough about you because well, we've only been friends for like over a week and also I don't know enough about your problem to have an opinion about it and I don't want to pry about your personal problems but I am worried about you, Alex. This is not you. We were together for days now and even though you're not telling me anything... I can feel something is not right". She stares into my eyes deeply and I can feel her genuine concern for me.
"Please don't get me wrong, I like hanging out with you, but I hate seeing you like this". I was silent and I don't know what to tell her.
"You don't need to tell me right now if you're not ready... No, infact you don't have to tell me, but I want to let you know that I'm always here for you if you need to talk about your problems". She assured me.
I push my glasses up the bridge of my nose to buy time before speaking. "I want to have a child". I blurted.
"And Piper doesn't?". She guessed.
I shook my head in response. Arizona drummed her fingers on the table and stare at me intensely, obviously contemplating her next words.
She leans forward after a few minutes.
"Do you want my unsolicited advice or my friendly bitch advice?". She began.
"If you want my unsolicited advice, just be warned because I'm sure you might not like what I say. But If you want my bitch friendly advice I will say nasty things about Piper and I'm sure it'll make you feel good for a while but it won't solve any of your problem. So choose".
I chuckled, Arizona is good with words. "Alright, let's hear your unsolicited advice". I answered.
"Good choice". She said and take a sip of her drink.
"Alex, how important is having a baby to you?".
I contemplate about it for a few seconds.
"I always wanted to be a mother" I began.
"I never said it aloud but that desire is always there... Buried deep inside me. And ever since my accident I realized how life is short and it opened my mind to be open to things. I want to create something beautiful and meaningful".
Arizona nods her head.
"Are you willing to give up your marriage for it?".
"What? No! Ofcourse not! I would never give up my marriage. I love my wife". I was shocked when Arizona said that.
"I know you love, Piper. But Alex, at this point you have to decide, because if you are absolutely sure that you want to be a mother and Piper doesn't, you have to decide which is more important. Neither decision is wrong, but it is now understandably clear that you can't do both.
If you want to continue the relationship, then go ahead... Do it... Piper is an amazing woman. As your friend, I care for you and I fully support you if that is your choice. But if you'll just end up angry and resentful towards Piper then you better end it off as soon as possible. It is not fair to her.
You just both discovered a fundamental incapability with what you want from your lives and yes, It's fucked up, but it's no ones fault".
I hate to admit it, but everything she said is true. I was trying to run away from this for days now because I know in the end I will have to choose between motherhood or my marriage. Now these choices are staring at my face like a scary creature that has claws and teeth ready to pounce in on me anytime.
"What am I going to do?" I asked Arizona desperately. I love Piper and I would never trade her for anything, but wanting to have a child has always been my dream.
"Be honest with her. The subject about wanting to have a child is too big to ignore. You guys need to seriously discuss it and go from there. We don't know what will happen. Maybe Piper will be open about it or she won't. But either way you need to be sure of what you want."
Arizona grab my hands from across the table.
"But I really hope you guys would sort it out sooner rather than later because when it's too late, it's really too late.
Alex, I will always be your friend whatever choices you make. No matter what happen I'll always be here for you".
Arizona is someone who listens attentively. She is the type of person who isn't just listening to words but she is listening to what is behind the words. She made me realized what is really important to me.
At the end of the day, all I want is Piper. We've had our rocky roads, but we've always come back together. Our love is stronger than this. Either way we're family already and I hope we can overcome this. We have conquered so many obstacles together.
Even though I'm unsure about most things in my life, I am certain about my love for Piper and I would never trade my wife for anything. That I'm sure of.