Sometimes, we can crumble for us to stand again
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4
My trip is progressing quietly and smoothly today. Maybe it was only three o'clock in the afternoon so there weren't too many people on the trip.
When I saw the arch of the cemetery, it was as if my feelings were slowly disappearing. I tried not to think first and maybe later.
I just looked for a parking space and fixed my car. Before I finally went down, I put on my black sunglasses and held the flower I had bought earlier to the flower seller I passed by.
I won't walk that far. I only saw a few graves before seeing where he was lying. When I got there I first put down the flower and took the key to the gate to open it and went inside.
It was newly cleaned. I landed the flower at the bottom of his tombstone as I stared at his name on the plate.
Henri de Guzman
Next to his tombstone is a picture of him smiling. I approached there and gently stroked his picture.
As I stared at Henri's picture, I couldn't help but burst into tears.
"Why did you leave me this early?" I am not blaming him for what happened to him. It's just that, I can't help but to ask him, why?
My tears kept on falling as I stared at his eyes on the picture. This isn't the first time I'm crumbling in front of him, in front of his picture.
Even when he was alive, I always cried in front of him.
"Henri it's hard. It's hard!" my sobs grew louder because of the sudden outpouring of my emotions. I was always holding back for too long that my tears poured nonstop.
Sometimes I can't help but think of just following him because I'm tired too. But instead that, I would think I shouldn't revolve my life around him because he's gone.
I tried to calm myself down, holding back my crying because I knew he didn't want to see me cry.
"Love, I'll be meeting someone." I said softly. "I feel like I'm cheating on you. But, how? You're gone." the last three words are very hard for me to mention.
It's hard to admit that he's gone even it's been a few years ago.
"This time, I won't look for the answer." I slowly removed the engagement ring he had given me before and placed it on top of his tombstone.
I stared at his picture for a long time before letting go of the words I had long wanted to say but had no courage.
"I love you Henri but I need to be free" Every word felt like a knife, stabbing every piece of me.
We have developed many dreams. We once dreamed for each other. But he was gone.
He's gone and I'm still alive. I still have to go on.
Even though it was heavy inside me, I came out, closing the gate well.
Before I finally turned my back on him, I peeked at his picture.
"I'll take a break, Henri."
Nothing diminished how I felt when I said those things. Because there was still that feeling, it was like I was betraying him.
My thoughts disappeared when I heard the ringing of my cellphone from the bag. So I stopped walking and took that.
It's Clara.
"Hello."
[Where are you?] She asked.
"Outside the building." I said pertaining to our company's office.
[Where exactly?] There's this unusual tone in her voice. She sounds stern.
"Cemetery." I admit. The other line went silent until I heard her minimal sighed.
[I see. Can we meet?] she asked.
"Where?" I asked and continued walking.
[Wait me in the coffee shop, near your condo.]
"Okay. I'll see you there."
[If I arrive first, I'll order for us. You do the same if you arrive first.] I just agreed to what she said and dropped the call and got in the car.
I removed my sunglasses before I played a song while driving. I played some hype song to avoid myself from getting emotional again. It's not good for me to be emotional while driving.
Somehow, I felt happy.
Aside from the fast flow of the ride I was able to release the ones I wanted to release. It's not easy for me to try to let go of the love I have for Henri because I know I won't lose it. He is part of who I am and nothing can be changed there. But like I said, I have to keep going because I know that's what he wants too.
When I got to the coffee shop Clara was already there. Her order just arrived.
"Drink this. You cried." She said and offered me a cup of water. I just smiled at her slowly. "Did you break up with him?" she asked, as if I really met Henri.
"As if I can do that." I took the coffee "How'd you know that I wasn't in the office?" I asked out of curiosity.
"I called your office and your secretary said you left early. That was unusual." She really knows me. So I just really nodded. "So what's your plan? Are you going to go to the blind date?" she asked hesitantly.
I showed her my left hand. Her forehead furrowed for a moment before her eyes widened. So I lower my hand.
"Fuck!" she muttered. "What happened to you?" she asked with a shock
"It's getting to hard. I'm getting tired too Clara. I feel like, I have no right to be happy or to live my life." I confess. I'm not hiding anything from Clara anymore. I tried to be as honest as I could. If even with Clara I try to hide, I don't know what will happen to me.
"I wouldn't say, 'I told you before', but it's a process and we all go through it. Sometimes it's just slow for others. You happen to be the others." I can't help but to chuckle on her words.
Clara made me forget for a moment. Clara and I just talked about our jobs and the blind date itself. She said I should really try my best and reveal the flirt side of myself.
Because the coffee shop is just below my condo, I also went home quickly.
Clara wanted to have a dinner, but I refused. My body was so tired as well as emotionally.
I am so drain that I don't know what to feel anymore.
When I got to my unit I just went straight to the bathroom and fixed the bath tub.
I just dipped my body in there to rest for a while and took a good bath.
That night, I forced myself to sleep without thinking of anything or anyone
For a moment, I felt better.