With his past weighing him down, it wasn't easy to just walk without worrying about something related to his past.
The more he considers it, the more he realizes. The more he thought about it, the more guilt he felt.
"Are you sure this is the way?" She asked.
"Shortcut"
"Oh"
They were in the center of a residential area. Kids were running around and laughing, their heads peeking around the corner. Parents were conversing and watching their children play.
There was a shorter path, but Shouta referred to it as a shortcut because it leads to a location that he enjoys
She pointed to the campus and said, "Oh, there's the campus."
"All right, then."
"Wait a minute! Where are you going!?"
She screamed. Shouta, on the other hand, was already on the other side of the road and appeared unconcerned with what she was doing.
She ran to Shouta, frustrated, and pursued him again.
"Why?" he asked.
"You damn rascal, is this how boys attract girls into liking them?!"
"That's the first time I've ever been branded a rascal. How can I express my gratitude?" Shouta rubbed his temples. He shifted his gaze to the left, and there it was, the spot he liked.
"What's this?" she asked.
"It's my way of saying thank you for calling me a rascal."
"Do you consider yourself a masochist?"
"Here's another one. It's inequitable, you know!"
"Are you aware that you're a weirdo?"
"I get that a lot"
"You're weird…"
"Then, why are you here with me?"
"It's because you're going to be driving me to campus!"
"Well I guess you have to wait for me"
Shouta was in front of the cashier, looking at the menu on top of him.
There were multiple kinds of coffee and tea. They were selling cakes too.
"Excuse me sir, what is it you may want?" the guy behind the cashier asked Shouta who was still looking up at the menu.
"I'll get a black coffee, without sugar. And for her…"
"One Shibuya frappuccino please"
"You like that one?"
"Yeah"
"Alright then, Shibuya frappuccino it is"
After placing their orders, they sat in a chair and table in the cafe's corner. When someone's ass was tired, the chair was patted, which is a good way to calm their butt. They have a fantastic view of the outside as well. Students from the local high school were passing by.
Hmmm, I didn't realize they might also arrive late....
She called out, "Hey, Kazehaya."
"What exactly is it?"
"Is it true you are that person?"
"When did I say that?"
"Back at the train, you said you were that person"
"Oh yeah, forget about that. That's just another lie"
"Are you serious?"
"Lies aren't something to be taken serious, Sato"
"I know that!"
A strong ten minutes had gone by. They were approached by the individual who had brewed their coffee. Bringing their coffee to them on a plate.
They left after saying, "Thank you" and "Thanks." They were holding their coffee in their hands.
"Now, let's go to the campus"
"Finally," she exclaimed, relieved that there would be no more detours.
Shouta looked at his phone to see what time it was. It was ten o'clock in the morning. He should be at his cafe right now, but he'd rather support an old friend than lose his work right now. It didn't matter if he lost his employment. To begin with, he wasn't a good employee.
"Sato, may I ask you something?"
"Hm? What is it?"
They were already in front of the campus, only a road to cross and they're on campus grounds.
"Have you met someone named Shouta before?"
"Shouta?"
"Yeah"
"Why should I tell you…?"
"Cause I want to know"
"...."
"If you don't want to answer my question, it's alright"
As he turned around to leave Sakura there, Shouta explained. He had to wait because the light was still red.
She called out, "Uhm, Kazehaya."
"What exactly is it?" Shouta shifted his weight.
A gentle breeze swept by him, causing his and her hair to flutter in the air.
"So you're him..."
"What are you talking about?"
"Shou…"
As she said Shouta's name, the light turned green. Multiple college students were walking to their side from the other side of the road.
"Well… if you want to meet me again, go to shichirigahama beach. There you'll meet me"
"w-wait!"
"Sorry, if you have anything to say, please say it later"
※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※
"You seemed down again, Kazehaya. What happened?"
Sara asked him while leaning over the counter. Time had passed and it was already 02:00 pm.
"Met an old friend," he said, depressingly.
"Sato Sakura?"
"Yep, the same one Father told you"
"What happened then?"
"Nothing much. Just remembering bad memories"
"Mind telling them to me?"
"Not even a word"
"Is it an embarrassing past"
"...."
"Oh yeah, not even a word huh?"
Customers sat at the cafe tables, but it wasn't completely full; only 10 of the 25 chairs were occupied. The majority of the customers were college students who were accompanied by their friends. Spending time with friends or working on a project.
"Sara"
"What is it, Kazehaya?"
"What does a boyfriend do to make their girlfriend happy?"
Sara broke a laugh and shed a tear.
"Are you serious, Kazehaya?"
"Am I never serious about my questions?"
"Well… from all the movies and books I've read, maybe go out on a date"
"Date?"
"Don't tell me you don't know what a date is"
"Completely clueless"
Sara looked at Shouta, completely helpless and she was completely unamused.
"Dates are…" Sara fell silent, she couldn't finish her explanation.
"Looks like you too don't know what a date is"
"I know what they are. It's just hard to explain"
"Hm, okay. Take your time"
Sara stood up and went inside the staff room where she would pick up her phone.
Shouta waited at the counter, face planted on the desk and facing out the window.
Beautiful…
Then, Shouta heard the doors of the staff only room opened. Out comes Sara, holding her phone.
"Here, read this"
"Too lazy to read, please read it for me"
"...such slothfulness you have, Kazehaya"
"Sorry but this sloth feels depressed"
"...well… Dates are-"
Sara began explaining. The whole time Sara was explaining, Shouta was looking the other way but still heard what Sara said.
Now, he's more confused about what dates are. When Sara explained him the first paragraph of the wiki, he understood it and remembered it. But when Sara continued, more and more confusion piled on top of him.
"Geez, that's a lot of things," He said.
"Yeah, it is the Wiki"
"Why not just search for a more simple answer?"
"Why not search for yourself?"
"...."
It was a relaxing last hour of the shift. Shouta didn't adjust at all; he sat in the chair behind the counters, staring out the window at the distant view. All the while, Sara and her coworkers were taking orders and preparing the drinks.
Then, from his phone, he heard a soft beep.
Takanashi: are you still at work?
"Looks like she's finished with school"
"She who?" some asked him from behind.
"....Ishigami, don't look at my privacy please"
"Not my fault you opened it in front of my eyes"
Behind Shouta, a tall young man with brown hair and green eyes talking. He was also dressed similarly to Shouta, the Cafe's uniform. His height is identical to Shouta's.
"Why are you all warmed up?" Shouta was the one who inquired.
"Well, it's my second week on the job, and my boss told me I'd be filling in for you."
"Eeeh… me?"
"Yeah"
"Well, what time is it now?"
"15:30, why?"
"Wanna take an extra 30 minutes?"
"Does the boss allow though? I know that you want to leave early"
"I'll probably get yelled at but it's no problem"
"You serious? Sara said you've been yelled at by the boss for more than 5 times. Gotta change that spirit or you'll be fired"
"Mmm, don't really care if I get fired"
"What?! Really? Are you rich or something?!"
"...."
Shouta remained silent. He changed his clothes in the employee-only room. He wore his white jacket, as he always did. Even though he wore the jacket from his campus to his cafe, it seemed like no one noticed he was the rumored kid.
"Sara, I'm off"
"W-wait! What about my dinner?!"
"Here" Shouta handed her 10.000 yen. "Sorry, can't accompany you while you eat dinner"
"This isn't the way of treating people for dinner"
"Well, I've got a few more things to deal with." Shouta reached for the cafe's front door handle.
"Does it have something to do with Takanashi?"
"possibly"
Shouta walked out of the cafe without leaving a trace before Sara could say anything else.
Outside, things were different. It wasn't the same as when Takanashi was by his side. The Tokyo buildings were deafeningly quiet, soundless, and subdued. Passers-by and everyone in his immediate vicinity were all deafeningly quiet.
I don't…
His eyes looked everywhere. Everything was colorless.
Like this…
He checked his train pass when he arrived at the station. He arrived at Fujisawa station at 17:00 o'clock, 9 minutes after the train arrived.
He sensed something after getting off the train, as if someone was watching him from the corner of his eye.
He turned to his right, just turning his head, and saw Sakura leaning against a station pillar, staring at him. It looked like she had been waiting for him.
"Sakura, what is it?" He asked as he approached Sakura.
"Shou-chan, is this really you?"
"Please stop using nicknames, it makes me feel weird" Shouta took a deep breath and talked again. "Yeah, it is me"
Sakura's eyes widened, shocked. She looked all over Shouta's body, then his head.
"What happened?"
"A lot"
A lot. Correct, Shouta was right in choosing the right word for the question.
A lot has happened since then.
A lot…
Sakura looked at Shouta, full of concern over her friend. She still thinks of Shouta as her friend. Though she did betray him back in 6th grade.
"Look, if you want me to tell you everything, maybe later" Shouta turned around and headed for the exit.
Sakura screamed out his name. Shouta, on the other hand, was unconcerned. In his face, there was no sign of concern.
He felt a light vibration in his pocket as he walked down the station's stairs and onto the walkway. He checked his phone to see who it was from, hoping it to be Takanashi Ichika.
Mother: Shouta, are you doing well? Is something wrong? You didn't read mothers message from yesterday.
He didn't care. He closed his phone, leaving the message as it be. But not long after that, he felt another soft vibration.
I'll be waiting for you in front of the station!
Takanashi Ichika had sent it.
He went to the Shichirigahama station after reading the letter.
The train wasn't packed; only a few people were on board. Seats were not nearly as packed as they had been earlier in the day, making it easy to find a place to sit.
The train came to a halt, and the door opened, letting the sea breeze in.
This feels strangely calming….
The only thing making him calm is the picture of Takanashi awaiting his present at the front of the station. And she was waiting for him, carrying a plastic bag.
"Good evening" she greeted Shouta.
"Evening"
"Here, I bought you a cream bun"
She took out the cream bun from the plastic bag. Then she handed over a water bottle, it was cold.
"Sorry, I like cold water… So I also bought you one without thinking…" she said, a small smile was shown.
"It's okay, Ichika." he opened the water bottle and drank it. "How much was this?"
"Y-you don't need to pay for it! It's okay!"
"...."
He had no answer to Ichika's words.
With his lifeless and colorless eyes looking at the sea, Ichika took his hands and walked down the road.
"Ichika?"
She didn't respond, instead speeding up her pace.
His grip on Shouta's hand was so close that he couldn't get it out no matter how hard he tried. Shouta knew where Ichika was taking him until the ocean was visible.
They made their way down the stairwell and onto the sandy beach.
There were no people in the area. The night sky was dark, and stars twinkled above them.
"Shouta…" she said, watching the waves hitting the beach.
"Yes?"
he replied, Ichika's back was still in front of him. She wasn't looking at him.
"I…"
I?
"I hate it when you look like that…" she turned around, looking at Shouta. A drop of tear could be seen running down her cheek.
"I hate it when you look depressed," she continued. "I thought I healed you from the cold thoughts you had!" she screamed. But her voice was cracking, she was trying to hold her cry.
"Was it not enough, Shouta…?"
"What…? It was enough, why are you asking?"
"Y-you… you still look sad… why? I don't like seeing people sad!"
"Don't be"
"How come...?"
"Because I deserved to be sad..."
"No! You don't!!"
"I don't deserve to be happy..."
"N-no!!"
"It's just that I'm grateful to have you, Ichika... I'm delighted—"
"NO!! you're not! I still see you wearing that gloomy face and I still see you frowning more than smiling!"
Ichika spoke in a booming tone. From the pit of her soul, she screamed. Shouta is important to her. She desires Shouta's happiness.
"Your eyes even tell the truth!"
she says, smiling.
"I'm not seeing the lovely colors in your eyes!"
Her voice sounded like a raging torrent. Her eyes were welling up with tears.
"Isn't there something I could do?! I think you're someone who's kind!! You always—"
"—What! Do you! Think you know about me?!"
In a fit of fury, he let out the smoldering flames inside his chest. Shouta screamed violently, smashing his fist against the nearby wall. His knuckles cracked with a loud crack, and blood splattered on the wall as he swung his fist around.
"This is all I am! I have high hopes even though I'm powerless; I have all these dreams even though I'm dumb; I keep trying even though I can't do anything…!"
All should do at least one thing correctly. And everybody pushed the one thing to its limits in order to find a position that was right for them. — Kazehaya Shouta, on the other hand, lacked that. The high heights he aspired to were far beyond his reach.
"I…! I hate myself!!" For the first time, Shouta admitted what he truly felt when confronted with the fact that he'd grinned frivolously in an effort to conceal, making fun of things as he kept running away from them, never facing them seriously.
Shouta despised himself more than anyone else.
"I'm always nothing but talk! I'm full of myself even though I can't do anything! I'm worse than useless, but I'm still a world-class complainer! Who the hell do I think I am?! How dare I live such a shameful life this long?! Right?!"
He'd attempted to pull others down because he couldn't lift himself higher. He sought to find fault with someone else to defend his banal, paper-thin ego because he wouldn't believe he was inferior to anyone.
"I'm empty. I've got nothing inside me. Of course I am… Yeah, it's obvious. There's no question! Until I came here, until I met all of you, do you know what I was doing?!"
He poured his heart and soul into the sand. His blood dripped onto his sweater, staining it darkly.
"I can't believe you would choose a man like me! I did horrible things! I did terrible things to someone before!"
His voice was too weak to say anything more as he sobbed. His throat was so sore that he could scarcely talk.
"I… I don't deserve to live…"
—what am I saying?
The cold wind blew gently around them, calming the atmosphere despite Shouta's lack of composure. He was not calmed by the storm.
"I... I'm sorry... This is the side of me... Right now, the guy you're looking at... Is a punishment that I imposed on myself."
To punish himself, he created the character he is now in order for others to despise him.
No one wanted to be the one to punish him.
—Stop it, Shouta!
"I tried to disappear… I tried erasing myself from everyone's memory… But…"
—Stop it!
"I couldn't help it… I don't want to die…"
—Stop saying all these negative things!!
His mind and soul were at odds. It was a never-ending fight.
He does not want to despise himself. He doesn't want other people to despise him. He doesn't want anyone to abandon him. He doesn't want other people to forget who he is. He needs people to notice him and remember him.
He wishes for others to despise him. He wishes for himself to despise him. Every day, he tries to make fun of himself and pull himself down.
He's had this mentality since he was in seventh grade. He was forced to be alone as a result of it. People will get closer to him every time. They will make him an offer. They'd invite him to go on a ride with them.
—it felt wrong…
"When…? When was the last time I felt real joy…? When! When was the last time I felt a strong sense of joy! When! When did I cry on someone's shoulders!"
Before. He had someone who would comfort him everyday. He had someone who would greet him everytime he arrived home. He had someone who would hug him everytime he felt down. But—
"—I didn't appreciate her because of how blind I was from my self hatred!"
Everytime. He always forced her to leave him alone.
"I… regret those decisions! I've never regretted anything in my life before!"
Every caring thing she tried to do to him. He always pushed it aside and hated himself for doing the things he had done.
—I'm sorry… mother…
"Then again. She… Sh-she…"
It was hard to voice out anything more than that. His throat was about to tear. He felt pain in his throat. Yet…
"S-she… lied to m-me…"
With his last breath filled with anger and regret, he punched himself in the chest. His knuckle, already broken, made another sound and another wave of pain struck Shouta.
She stood still, only watching his boyfriend break down in front of her. Nearly tearing his vocal cords from shouting. She was left bewildered.
With nothing left to say, she crouched down and played with Shouta's hair. He doesn't seem to be bothered by this.
"I… I didn't know… I'm sorry for asking…"
The warm feeling of Ichika's fingers made its way to the cold thoughts of Shouta's mind. Clearing all of it and making him calm.
"It must be rough? Isn't it?"
Ichika's voice rang like a silver bell in his ears. He shed a tear and finally—Kazehaya Shouta—calmed down.
"...yeah… it was rough. Very rough"
With little of his strength left, Shouta went to a deep sleep.