"So where to from here?" Asked Ian.
"We can go to Jasper's place. He'll eventually be back."
Amber laughed. "Yeah, but that could be tomorrow. I wouldn't bet to see him today" she said. "I know my boyfriend. I love him, but he's got his priorities all wrong." Ian looked at Amber critically at that. Maybe she wasn't so bad after all. It was the right answer.
"it was a pleasure to meet you Olivia. Can I call you Oli? I hope I'm sure I'll be seeing more of you as you will be living at Jasper's place."
"you'll probably see me more than him" Olivia said sarcastically.
"You know, that may actually be true." A puase. "Well, bye guys". Amber said as she waved. With that, she left the restaurant with her guitar packed on her back. She looked like a rock star - because she was indeed a rock star Olivia thought as she saw her walk away.
"I'm obsessed with my brother's girlfirend" she told Ian.
"Really. Would not have noticed for a second. Oh Amber, how long have you been playing? You can call me Oli, amber. Do you want to be my best friend forever until the world ends?"
"Are you jealows"
"Duh"
Olivia laughed.
"Just promise you'll love me forever first"
Olivia laughed at that. "sure, but you have to promise it back"
"deal"
With that, Ian and Olivia left the restaurant, on their way to Jasper's appartment.
"Do you live far?"
"Neh. Far enought that you will probably see Amber more than me, but I'm not really that far when you consider how big hte city is"
"You just gave me such a vague answer"
"in response to such a vague question"
Olivia rolled her eyes. They didn't talk much on their way back. They didn't need to. Once we were at the door step, Ian turned to leave but Olivia stopped him. 'you should come in for a bit. Stay with me. I don't want to be alone yet. Is it too selfish to ask that? You can leave if you want to, but you can also stay if you want to.'
Ian half smiled. Glad he could still be her refuge. 'shut up' he interrupted her, and joined her at the porch. Olivia was able to find Ilya looking at the night sky. He seemed to be lost in his own thoughts.
'What are you think about?' she asked. Purposefully interrupting him.
Ian turned to look at her and half smiled at her sight. 'uncertainty' he said cryptically. As if that one word answer didn't serve more as a prompt than as an explanation.
'Uncertainty' she repeated sarcastically as she nodded. Pretending the taste of mystery in the conversation was rather interesting. She could play the same game. 'You mean to tell me there are things to which not even Ian has an answer for?' she joked.
'Are you flirting with me?' he asked. It was an honest question.
'No' Olivia said after a pause. 'I don't know. I just want to feel safe. I'm sorry if it sounds like I am. I don't know how to tease without sounding flirty.'
Ian laughed. 'Stop apologizing.' After a sigh, he went back to her original comment. 'I got to say it's the exception rather than the rule though'. he teased back.
Olivia looked down. 'what are you uncertain about?' she asked. Cutting straight to the chase. There was no need to hide. It was just Ian.
Ian didn't answer, he just looked down towards his hands, then raised his gaze, looked at her and smiled distantly. He wasn't expanding. That small gesture though was enough for Olivia to understand more or less where his head was at. He meant to say uncertainty about everything and nothing all at the same time. Uncertainty about measuring up. Uncertainty about being able to carry the company on his shoulders. Uncertainty about being enough. She knew that look. She wore it far too often as well. Olivia decided to be the brave one. It always came easier for het to talk about difficult topics: far easier for her to be vulnerable than it had ever been for him. Having a psychology background and such. She opened the field - put her self as en example in an attempt to make him feel comfortable.
'I am uncertain too' she said simply.
Ian laughed sarcastically 'No shit' he said. Olivia joined the laughter.
'Are we going to talk about why are you back? or why you didn't bring anything with you when you did?'
'No'
'Did something happened?'
'Yes'
That got Ian angry. 'Is there anyone you would want me to punch?'
Olivia looked down. 'I didn't find my way. I lost meaning. I don't know what it was, but it felt wrong. There is no one to blame but me. It was me that felt lost of purpose.'
Ian was looking at her a little too intensively now. He was clearly holding back words. 'what exactly is your purpose?'
Olivia shrunk her shoulders, as if she thought of herself as pathetic. Her gestures gleamed of self-pitty. Ian couldn't stand her like that.
'Well. You should find your purpose soon then. Mine is clearly to bring operations efficiency to the companies we offer our services to. I breath my purpose every morning with breakfast, and I am completely worthless without it. Everyone should be aware of their purpose 24/7, and they are not allowed to be wrong about it - else they dared waste time. Fuck em' He said.
Olivia smiled. 'I hate you'
'good.' Ian sighed. 'you know I'm just messing. I want you to see how ridiculous you sound. Its oaky to be lost sometimes. Something will come up. You'll land on your feet as a newly corporate employee, and if you don't like it - you'll find something else to do.'
'yeah' Olivia said vaguely. 'Except, I do worry that I won't like where I end up.' Olivia admitted. 'I'm made a big decision, I'm absorbing the risk of switching from academia to corporate. I'm in the driver seat of the car that is my life, but I don't know what the destination looks like. I worry I'll stray too far, and I worry I wont like it.'
'Your logic is flawed.' Ilya corrected her. He looked at Olivia, waiting for her to catch up to what she missed. But Olivia just looked at him cluelessly. 'Well, you said you were in the driver seat didn't you?' expanded Illya.
That's all he had to say. Olivia understood his message right away. If you drive yourself wherever you want to go, there is no way you will end up somewhere you won't like. Olivia grunted and shook her head.
Ilya laughed. 'Yeah yeah. We already knew that. You hate everything that's cool.'
Ilya put a hand on her shoulder protectively, smiled, and proceeded to stare forward. To the night sky. Olivia joined him at doing so. In that moment they felt small. Small against the vastness that was the universe that extended itself in front of them. Two flames fighting to keep their light burning in a world that's cold, and filled with wind that blows in every direction. Uncertainty. Olivia placed her hand on her own shoulder, on top of his. Whatever team they could be, they would be. They had always been.
Fifteen minutes later, that's how Jasper found them. Standing at the porch of the house without talking. Just keeping each other company as they looked at the night sky - took in the night.
'Didn't think I'll find you guys here' was all Jasper said.
Olivia shrunk her shoulders.
'I'm going upstairs. Unlike you two I do appreciate sleep' he continued. Then he turned to Ilia, looking sharply at him as if he had something to add, but decided against it at last minute. He chook his head and entered through the door.
'Jasper used to intimidate me' Ilia said when he was gone.
'Its a thing he does. There is safety in intimidation. If you are willing to show your teeth, and are willing to use them, more often than not you wont have to.'
Ilia shrugged. 'what a pity I'm such a clown then.'
Olivia smiled. 'Being the clown has other advantages though. Since you are beneath contempt you can more easily tell the truth - or shine a light onto things other people don't have the courage to voice.'
Ilia looked at her then - attentive as always.
'Sometimes I can't tell if you are a genius or a weirdo'
'why not both?'
'you just proved my point.'
Olivia laughed.
'Anyway - werido - I'm leaving. I do apreaciate sleep too.' Ilia started walking away from the porch but stopped himself halfway through. He turned to Olivia. 'will you be able to sleep?'
Olivia shrunk her shoulders again. 'unlikely, but that's okay. That's to be expected given the life changes I'm making.'
Ilia nodded, then smiled. 'You are safe.' he said 'sleep'. Then he headed away form the porch. Walked home.