Wow, Anand don't you think you have talked too much?
I just hung my head down, I couldn't look into her eyes anymore after I spoke those words.
Anyways, I'll tell you what I felt. Take this the way you want to take.No offense.
{she pauses for a second, made her lips wet, takes a deep breath in}
I completely understand, 'whatever I think about us, feels right for me and wrong for somebody else'.
What a person believes is right, could be wrong to another person. Because everyone has their different views and opinions on a topic, everyone judges things in their unique ways and the experiences they faced isn't it?
well, coming to us. who said I've kissed you by just seeing you once!. Do you know how many times a day I watch you, sitting beside that window?
{there is a window in the living room, through which she could see me}
I did not kiss you just by seeing you once, of course for the first time when I have seen you my hormones rushed, I could feel something different that never happened to me in the past two years.
I have seen you giving a flower to a small girl when she was passing nearby to you. I have seen you helping an old woman who has fallen on the road unknowingly. I have seen how calm you were, I have seen your patience, and many things I observed about you. You were just seeing one side of the riverbank, you are not aware of what is happening on the other side.
Coming to my parents, I don't know how they gonna take this. But I am ready for consequences. If a situation comes where I need to tell my parents about us, I won't even think for a second. I believe my parents will understand me and my choices.
Yes, I haven't married. But do you know what are my reasons?.
How much I remember you in a day, I remember three times more about my husband. I love my husband. I respect him to date. He always has a special place in my heart. I daily pray for him.
Do you know how embarrassing and disgusting it would be when I marry another man, still pray and think about my late husband!. This society doesn't accept this. They feel, now this is a new life you got. Everything that happened to you earlier was just a dream. How stupid is this! our four years relationship was just a dream? the memories we made together were just a dream?.
Also, do u know why I said meeting at night times is not possible because I keep his picture beside me and I sleep, I feel confident, I feel he is with me, I could sleep alone here peacefully in this house only because I feel he's there with me? Do you think I could do all this after I get married again!.
{she gave a pause to her sorrow which was deeply rooted inside her}
I know what you are thinking now if, you loved him so much why did you do this with me isn't it? This is what your mind is thinking about right?
{I did not say no, because that was already running on my mind}
This is the most stupid question, Anand!
You once told me right, that you love your mom more when compared to your father. isn't it?
{ i noded}
how is that possible, how could you love two people and also at the same time! tell me?
{ room was again filled with silence }
Love doesn't mean that you will be attached or attract to only one person in your entire life. Love shifts from one person to the other. Love transforms in many ways, parent's love, sibling's love, family love, friend's love, partner's love likewise many. arent these all significant love?.
I agree, some people love only one person and be with them for ages, but I wasn't that fortunate to stay with the love of my life!
You asked, about society right. when my husband died, everyone came home and consoled me, everyone was giving their powerful wordings to me and I felt they were making me a stronger woman. After a week not even one person from my neighborhood came, asked how was I doing and you are asking me about this society!
This society wants to see your downfall, society gets happy when you are in a trauma, society wants to see you breaking very badly. If you gonna live on this foolish society's beliefs, you can't do anything in your life. Everything you do will be wrong for one or the other. Society never changes.
Society was like this before, is like this now, and will be like this in the future also. You cant even live a happy life by agreeing to society norms. The moment you try to live with those conditions. They immediately change them against you. For people like this, my poor husband gave his life. He was working hard day and night for these selfish people.
{ tears started rolling down her eyes, I was not having the courage to hold her hand and say stop! don't cry, rather I started to shiver, my body hair started raising. I couldn't utter a word, my lips couldn't open up as if they were plastered}
when my husband expired, every day my cousin used to come home, see me, gave me fruits and others, and used to go. This bloody society alleged that I and my cousin are having a secret relationship. If they would have at least thought once about my husband, they would never get these thoughts.
Now, tell me, for this society I should change myself. For people like these, stupid army people are guarding day and night. They left their family, friends, and everything for these scoundrels.
Everyone in this society, is like a fox, they prove initially they are very good, honest, loving, and everything. They wait for the right time. They attack us when we are weak, they try to put our morale down. They start spreading rumors about our character. They add allegations, they do everything they can for your downfall. These things mostly happen with women only. They attack single mothers, they attack the girls whose lives are better, happier than their family. They are our neighbors themselves, without having a tag of criminals.
The cruelest animal in this world is HUMAN itself and the human's enemy is also a human only.
Love is an emotion. Every human on this planet deserves to be loved by someone. I too felt the same thing for you. I love you. I love the way you engage yourself with me. I love the way you treat me. I love your descent behavior. I love the child in you.
Now it's your decision Anand, whether you wanted to continue this or no. I may not be happy if something unexpected you say, but I respect your decision.
{the room was completely silenced.No vehicles nothing, everything was calm. The only sound we could hear was our breaths. I didn't know what to tell. I understood her pain. I understood how much she suffered. I understood what all did society gave her as a gift. Every word she spoke was revolving in my mind. she is a caring woman. she is beautiful, intelligent, have a profession, she has everything when compared to me. what else would I need more than this. she is a perfect woman for me. I feel I am the luckiest person to have her in my life. but, one question was striking me very hard, I couldn't find an answer for that question}
I m feeling a little dizzy. I'll go to my room now. Can we talk about this tomorrow?
you need time to think? asked me.
I don't know. I just want to go now. I told.
ok, then we'll meet tomorrow then?
I said fine, was about to leave the house. voices came from the back, Wait, I'll pack dinner for you.
I am not hungry, although, I'll figure it out later.
shut up and come back, came a serious note.
{who wants to lose a person like her, who cares about you more than herself}
she went to the kitchen packed food for me. she gave me food and came near to me and tightly hugged me.
{I am perplexed. I am not in a position to understand her feelings on me}
Now, you stopped hugging me uh?
I said, nothing like that.
Hug me tightly, I felt like it was like a 9-year-old girl comes with her sweet voice to his father and asks for a hug
after that, I started walking back to my room. thinking about that one question to which I couldn't find an answer. I felt a cold shower could relieve me from this tension.
G-------H-------I---------J---------K-------L
dear father, I asked for a doll
but why did you made me a doll and sold?
dear brother, I asked you to play with me
but why did you play with my body?
dear friend, I shared everything with you
but why did you strip my clothes?
dear uncle, I was very good with you
but why did you touch me inappropriately?
dear boyfriend, I truly loved you
but why did you take advantage of mine?
dear mother, you know all this happened
but why did you shut your mouth?