It's been a week since Tae oppa started his counseling sessions with me. He is actually a nice guy.....with his own share of struggles. In the past week he opened up to me about his previous years of stating as an idol and how he wanted to quit numerous times. Though one thing was sure odd. It was how he told me everything I needed to know, without me even encouraging. In the first week , people usually don't open up at all and it's like I have to force all those bottles of unexpressed feelings out of them. They cry, laugh and every thing in between during the process but Tae oppa. He. He did not want any encouragement from me to speak. He had issues but wasn't trying to keep them away. It was strange or prehaps.... Pretty unlikely.
I stared at his perfectly aligned face as I thought of the cause. The sunlight illuminated skin, almost as if he forgot to turn of his angel glow in public. With the most concentrated expression I tried to listen to him but failed anonymously.
" is there a problem?", he asked tilting his face to the side trying to meet my Distracted eyes.
"oh ummm, sorry I was just trying to figure something out"
"aah,..... is anything troubling you? "
" no, I was just thinking how come you speak English so well?"
" the show freinds", he said
I nodded.
" do you any korean though?"
Tae Jun's pov :
" do you any korean though?", I asked her.
" umm..... I know one word", she said, smiling.
After going silent for a few seconds she tried to remember it and I waited in anticipation. I always wondered what her Korean accent would sound like.
A few more seconds passed and she tried hard to remember. The ticking sound of the clock fed the afternoon silence.
"it's okay I can teach you som-"
"saranghae! ", her voice echoed the room
..... Woah.
'if only this was meant for me', I thought.
By now, I knew the grin plastered on my face wasn't going anywhere.
***********
"okay oppa, we are done playing around, tell me why are we here having this conversation", she asked me sternly looking straight into his eyes.
I silently smiled my head now hung low.
'what do u expect, it's not like u come on dates here'
" when the panic attack started, I mean ummm.... I have been getting panic attacks before going on stage recently", I said, not entirely clear about my statement.
" u see A panic attack is like a... sudden episode of intense fear that triggers without an ape aren't danger. U feel frightend or like you're losing control, having a heart attack or even dying", she told me
"umm yeah, it feels like I am just in... Danger and I start sweating and heart pounds like crazy. My breath would Shorten and there would be this tightness in my umm.. throat. My chest would hurt and I'd feel lightheaded", I explained.
" I thought it be best to get counseled and not take medicine", I added .
Indeed I hope my situation isn't so worse
" so u get panic attacks before getting on stage?"
"yes"
"and it makes you feel.... Uncomfortable?"
"yes"
"well don't perform them"
"I can't just do that"
"why"
" i don't know I am afraid"
"of what"
"of what life will be after that, it's intimidating u know", I leaned his arms on my knees. " I don't want to make a small mistake and regret it later on. I want to be sure. I feel like one day when I would be done being Tae Jun of the survivors, only the mentaly unstable Tae Jun would be left"
" u are so far into your career, yet you are not sure?"
I stayed silent.
" so well again... Just quit"
" I can't, thats the point", he frowned at me.
" have you talked to other band members?"
"of course and-"
" have you listed down the reasons as to why you are in doubt? "
"was the fact that your are afraid of slowing losing your self in your career on that list"
Woah, she's good.
"u weren't completely honest with them were you? "
I shaked my head to a no.
" how can you deal with something this serious, without forthcoming about it"
Who is this woman.....
"I didn't think of it like that ", I admitted honestly.
The thrill of proving me wrong was way too clear on her face. As for me, I couldn't take my eyes off the beauty with the brains. Hearing her talk only made me feel more attractive towards her.
"the problem is that we view our fear as a weakness. It's good to be scared. It shows your human and that you are dependent", she spoke in a firm voice.
"If you tell them you are scared, and how you are put in a spot that is forcing y oh to do something that is extremely daunting, they just might understand ", she ended with a sigh.
" u have cleared a lot out for me", I raised from my seat and dumped my hands in pockets.
"well, there is always more to dive into"
"I have a feeling that you enjoy watching me squirm in my seat", I stated boldly, while she chuckled quietly fixing a strand of her hair behind her ear.
"it's only a matter of getting to the bottom of things"
"and even if I am utterly awkward about it, you don't seem to care"
"right because this is what I do"
"you shrinks", I laughed.
"heyy!", she laughed with me.
"I am kidding", I said admitting my surrender and openin the door to her office.