*
"..."
"..." (Alcide)
We stare blankly at the purpling sky and dimming street torches as we sat leisurely on the rooftop. Silence pervaded the atmosphere akin to a suffocating flood, neither of us could muster the courage to speak up first. Sure, it was quite awkward considering we were at each other's neck a short while ago, we even declared to kill the other as promises to uphold each of our own ideals. We couldn't let each other live after clashing before, but in the end...
Even Alcide was here now to pity me. I didn't need to see her face closely, a quick glance and it wa splain as day. My belief in my own ideals waned. It weakened, reduced, became filled with shame, became the most pathetic occurrence that could happen to any magical girl. I hesitated. I... Didn't believe in my own ideals as much as I thought. I mean it's absurd right?
There was no way believing in ideals would make me may stronger than the other party, that was why they lost even though they had stronger faith in their own beliefs. Meaning that the weakness of the heart lies entirely to me. Not time, not the environment, not any feasible external factors. It was completely a show of weakness and shame on my own part.
She was quite a similar person, Alcide. Maybe that was why I couldn't kill her, but my ideals conflicted with itself. Do I kill 1 innocent person or allow future misfortune and suffering to happen to others. Apparently not all the prostitutes were forced into their job by debt or loss of shame. Some of them were brainwashed to maintain numbers. Others, sold by their families who were poor. Some were treated inhumanely and were disposed subsequently. That was just a single of many horrible things the cult has done. They brutally murdered their competitors and took over the black market in a few weeks.
I can't save all of them at once. Wouldn't it be more simple to just beat them up and free the victims from their clutches? If I defeat the cult, wouldn't all the problems then be solved at once? In truth I knew that was not the case. Where would the victims go and how would they earn money afterwards? In a hypothetical scenario if I truly did kill the progenitor, what would we do with all the victims we rescued? We can't shelter all of them and give them all jobs. We can't coddle and take care of them for the rest of their lives. When one problem is solved, more usually pop up, especially in these specific scenario where the cult is the enemy. They definitely wouldn't make it easy for us.
So I believed. I believed in my ideals, believed that I was in the right. It had never crossed my mind that innocent people could be dragged into it without my involvement. Was indiscriminately killing their lackeys wrong? Would killing Alcide be wrong?... Everyone had that potential, to have been innocents that merely want to make a living. In this case, they could have been forced into these circumstances due to The Great Disaster taking everything they have away.
It was just reality that not everyone could get a job and recover from The Great Disaster. Scars would be left, some people stopped being able to work. And the disease was the worse. Initially around 30% of humanity survived The Great Disaster thanks to the magical girls, a second plague came from a mix of different animals. Various viral disease, and no resistance. Just widespread death. The scars left by The Great Disaster have been left until today.
"... I'm sorry." (Alcide)
"... Well... Don't be. It feels even worse to receive your pity."
We continue to look at the sky, an insufferable silence assumes control over the atmosphere once more. I must wonder. Why did this power choose me. Why of all people on earth, I was one of those that awakened into a magical girl naturally. I was one of the genuine magical girls, not the artificial ones. I was recognised by the world as a genuine magical girl, that is why I have skills. I am not a copy with imitations of skills or magical girl augmentations. My awakening was also natural and wasn't artificially forced by external factors. Why?
"I won't mince my words. This world, this cruel world of magical girls won't let you have both. You either abandon your ideals or get consumed by it. The longer you hold onto it, the higher chance you have already been taken over by it. The sooner you abandon it, the more painful and lifeless you become. An exotic drink turned sour and bitter as copious amounts of regret has been added.
I'm not here to offer my head after all that trouble we went through. I still want to stay alive, set out to do what I want to do, keep my family happy and safe. As a father and as a magical girl. So all I can offer you is advice and pity. You who cling so desperately yet fear what you are clinging to. You are stuck in an impasse of absurdity " (Alcide)
".... Khg!.... If you really mean to say such insulting things to my face, then why don't you tell me how to solve this... So I get to attain what I dreamed for... "
A warm fluid drips down my cheeks, they tain my fair and supple flesh, making my face sticky with sweat. I see. I couldn't even hold it in anymore. I thought... That I could at least wait... until Myuu got here... Ignoring my tears out of courtesy, she continued speaking.
"Have you wondered why I chose the name Alcide?" (Alcide)
"....."
Taking my silence as the cue to proceed, she decided to continue speaking about herself. Honestly, I just wanted to escape at that moment. If she wasn't going to offer me advice on how to fix my own life, what point would there be to listening to her?
" It's a hero that has done the 12 labour's to prove themselves in Greek mythology. Well, the real one has an s in their name though. That was why I chose this.
It's a little convoluted, but have you heard about people saying the world is God's trial? "(Alcide)
"... Which one?... "
Detecting a hint of cynicality, her facial expression remained tranquil as a river and her posture maintain its shape, showing strong will. Ultimately, she understood what I was alluding to and why. So she ignored it.
" Listen. Nothing will go smoothly, everything will mess up and cause you to suffer. It's a natural law for magical girls to suffer at this point, even if no one implies it. From all that fierceness and talk you showed me, are you really going to wallow in despair before this trial? " (Alcide)
It was as if time stopped, but for only a moment as my heart beat gradually grew louder. It felt like all other sounds were blocked out and only Alcide's words could reside in my mind. Am I really going to cry and whine here? Do I really have to accept this fate?... There's.... Nothing wrong with fighting against fate right? It sounds extremely selfish and I know it's selfish, but I can really fight for what I want right? Even if I go against my ideals, I could still move and fight for what I think is right, right?
Must I adhere to the limit I placed on myself? Must I bend to the limit placed upon me by the world? Why can't I grow stronger? Can I still have a way to mess with my magical girl augmentations? Can I still raise their numbers and make myself stronger? It's not... Wrong right? To struggle futilely and uglily for my own greedy ends.
"Why do you name yourself Kaori? Why is your title cute and gallant? Have you thought about these things? You have been consumed by your own perception of yourself, have you given any thought to how your comrades view you?
Finally. Do you actually think you have reached the limit of your power? Don't be stupid! There are still many martial arts, physical fighting techniques, magical fighting techniques, tools, Sticks to make use of to give yourself an advantage and bridge the gap. This world is more vast than you think, perhaps you kept fighting strong people like me because you travel so much.
You should free yourself and talk to the locals. See how life is like for the normal humans that never awakened into magical girls. Observe a sliver of what you can no longer attain, but retain what little is left in you. If you follow this advice, I'll guarantee you will find some semblance of happiness. " (Alcide)
" Are you speaking from experience? "
".... Don't be dumb. I was just not as foolish as you. "(Alcide)
"... Was it dumb to feel hurt and cry? "
"... Are you making this difficult on purpose? Fine, I'll lend you this lap to lie on. I'm sure you're already old enough to continue without anymore advice from me. Anymore would just be spoon feeding. Carefully think over everything, time is something we magical girls have a lot of. " (Alcide)
Taking her advice, I slowly layed my head onto her soft thighs. Looking up from where I laid, two twin peaks stare into the horizon. At this moment, I lifted my head a little to bend my neck and check myself. Ah... A complete lost... As if reading my mind, she pushed my head back down. Might as well enjoy the softness and rest. I closed my eyes defenselessly, it must be odd for her as well. We were at each other's throat rambling in about how we were going to kill each other even if we have to risk our own lives not long ago. And now, I was lowering my guard and being vulnerable in front of her, someone who could take my life at any time she wanted.
Perhaps it was because we were so similar, yet quite different in other aspects. Which parts were similar, it was easy to tell. So Alcide had actually relaxed as well, so much so that it was an odd feeling for her. She was always stiff and stressed under the pressure of her own job. An awful job meant that she was courting death. That was how dangerous this business was. Caution had to be taken at all time or else she would be killed. Before Kaori came, she had many other enemies from other factions.
Many similarly obscure and hidden organisations like the cult existed. She was always constantly pressured like that, but perhaps now she was going to get a less stressful job. It felt more like a blessing to her that Kaori had arrived to change her own fate. Maybe... She wanted to see if she could relieve even just a little of the chaos in Kaori's heart.
"Thank you..."
It was soft and hard to hear but it used up all of my sincerity and energy. I should carefully and slowly think over everything huh? For one thing, I don't agree that I have a lot of time even as a magical girl. Enemies form, more conflict forms, more people are getting hurt, there is never enough time to save all of them or myself. There is not enough time to train properly, and there is not enough time to be the ideal magical girl.
I guess... It is normal to struggle. But that doesn't mean I want to continue struggling. I'm weak and exhausted, my body has been abused over and over with magic or physical attacks. It hurts not only physically but mentally. Like if my heart had a rope tied around it constantly. I... Just wanted to stop hurting...
My tears have dried up just now, it felt like the back of my eyeballs were also dry and couldn't afford anymore tears. I can't cry anymore. I shouldn't cry anymore. Maybe what she said was right. It was like a punch in the gut for me, rendering a lot of my anxiety and despair pointless. Perhaps, I could still become stronger. Maybe not directly by extending my parameters, but perhaps with skill. Skill, technique, maybe there are other methods out there.
"Have you set your mind to doing something? Having a goal is always the first step. It'll keep you on course preventing you from straying too far. " (Alcide)
"..."
I bring my fist over my face, crushing it into a tighter hold over my fingers. My knuckles begin to whiten from the stress, I release and clasp it a few more times.
" I think... I want to continue. If I can still get stronger... If I can beat those who are a higher rank than me, then there is hope. Hope that my dream will come through. Even if it's but a tiny sliver, I must cease it for myself, right?"
"... It is your only path right? Your one and only dream? If this is how you live, then there is no helping it!" (Alcide)