***
'There is no... Helping it'
The words echo in my heart bring an undeniable warmth. It was from a foreign source that was cold and daunting, yet it was undeniably warmth that had permeated my heart. What was it?
A soft aqua sky stretches beyond the horizon, rather than the dewy gold of setting dusk, saturating navy befalled the entire city. The scenery set in my middle school classroom. An afternoon like any other, there was nothing special. While my first year had nothing noteworthy happen, second year was a violent and harsh hell. Middle school, it was merely an off comment that sparked all of this, but that didn't stop the hell from persisting. When did my inspiration start?
Maybe it was the excessive cartoon shows I watched as a child. Maybe it was the wonderful and happy world of fiction. Surely anyone can understand right? When you see someone enjoy something they love, you gain this tiny urge and curiosity to want to experience what they have experienced. What is so enjoyable about this? What makes that person so happy? Rather than a curt, narrow and sarcastic tone, imagine those questions from a child full of curiosity.
Why is that person so happy after experiencing this? Can I be that happy? That was the tiny push, the one that shoved me head first into the world of fiction. Beautiful worlds crafted out of some words flood the books, wonderful and interesting concepts form out of people's imagination. Theories and discussions formed out of fan engagement.
My younger self brimmed with curiosity, wondering what the author would pull out of their self made world next. It was also due to such amazing stories I've come across, I never imagined myself being able to replicate them to form something original of my own. So I admired them, admired their work.
It didn't matter how inconsistent or bad their writing was, how people deconstructed and criticised their writing. Because what I saw was people's love for someone's writing. When I see an old series or franchise, I vaguely see how much effort and love people have put into it, whether they were the creators or just the fans.
It made me want to join them and experience this collective love they had invested into it. It made me want to join in so I can be part of a greater whole, a community and enjoy what other people enjoyed. It was a very skewed worldview, when I see an older series I see more love. Stupid, right? I agree too. I saw something that was not there, it was a mere part of my childish imagination.
I realised it as I grew older, grew out of the funny 8th grade syndrome stuff. But it didn't stop me from enjoying fictional worlds. Worlds that show very little, or maybe even have very little to show for. Now you can likely guess what happens at the end. It was a gradual process. I love magical girls. Whether it was out of an ironic desire to see how the magical girls in this show differed from another, or an unironic desire to enjoy good writing. I have come across certain shows that I wholeheartedly love for their writing, certain shows that were perhaps one of the oldest magical girl franchises, but since they followed the generic hero team formula of the olden days I didn't bother watching those.
It was a skewed love that only bothered with the newer stuff and not with the older shows. But it didn't matter to me. At the time, I didn't care how flawed I was. Because I was me, and there was no helping it. Living life like a normal student. Until an off handed comment. "What do you want to be when you grew up?" (?) An age old question that everyone encounters at least once in their life. "I want to be a magical girl." I say it half heartedly knowing it was unrealistic, therefore it was nothing but a joke. Even if deep inside, I wanted to realise this unrealistic dream.
It led to some bullying. Maybe some was an understatement. Making fun of me, insulting me. Whether it was in person, written on the whiteboard or carved out of my table. Incessantly, it continued until I rightfully snapped. I may have been an avid reader, an otaku perhaps, but I still attempted to lead a normal life. Going to school, socialising, going out with friends and family. I did everything regularly, my hobby didn't affect my lifestyle that much. It was just something I enjoy in my free time.
A normal person like that cannot endure the stress you know? I wasn't a shut in, I still wish to talk to people in idle chatter like a normal student, I still wish to share my hobbies and talk about things I enjoy to my friends. I still wish to have a normal social life, I can't endure isolation like an actual shut in could. I broke. It was not as dramatic as the illusion showed by that demon beast in the final magical girl license examination.
It was more normal than anyone could imagine. I punched the leading guy's cheek and it escalated into a brawl. They were all normal students like me too, laughing away their boredom with me as the punching bag. So bringing the fight to them, they didn't retaliate back. They froze on the spot and ate my punches like the normal students they were.
We've all had those fantasies where we imagine ourselves in other people's places before beating up the enemy like a hero. But in reality, nobody has the courage to do that. Even if my primary bully started eating my punches, he froze and didn't move other than blocking. He went into a fetal position and waited until I tired myself out. What the hell gives? What was with all that talk, yet now he wouldn't even fight back?
It was nothing like that illusion. There was no long standing battle until they gained trauma. There was no setting on fire or vandalising of property. It was just me enduring things for a year and snapping very wildly. After everything, after the principal intervened, after the teachers and parents intervened, what happen at the end of it all broke me.
There was no injustice, everything was investigated properly and all the parties tried their best to get everything right. It was known that I was innocent since my classmates testified for me. At the end of it all, just a single word. He looked down, his face somewhat sincere even though all the adults were gone and we were left alone.
"Sorry." (?)
A slight mix of fear along with a mostly sympathetic look in his eyes. Was it really that easy? A simply knock to his teeth was all it took? Where was the cruelty? The evil? The coldness? Why are you behaving as if there was nothing wrong with you? That you realise your wrongdoing and regretted ruining our friendship? I... Easily made new friends and attempted to fight back the same way, but it didn't stop until I used violence.
Just what was I so scared for? What was I enduring for so long for? Was it all pointless in the end? The long period of time where I endured and endured, felt anxiety, despair and pain.
I suppose it was at that point I saw everything as worthless. I no longer cared about anything and shut myself in like how it originally was suppose to end. I stayed at home for the 3rd year of middle school, cutting all contact. Did I desire for a mortal enemy that much...? How far was my mind seperated from reality? Just why was I fighting so much for? If everything ends so anticlimactically, then where did all my effort go?
I was a delusional child. Even if my parents have told me countlessly that it was normal to be foolish, to get me out of my bedroom and go to school and move on, I could never accept it. I couldn't accept myself most of all. So, when I awakened as a magical girl and realised that unrealistic dream, I raised the hurdles and wanted to be the ideal magical girl. The fictional one that could never exist, the one who could fix any problem at a glance and resolve conflict in an instant. The one that would fix the world for what they thought was right.
Even though I am 3 years older now than I was before, the level of naivety and stupidity has only increased. And it was directly related to my childish dream. Even if Alcide tells me it was normal to face setbacks, it carried the same amount of impact as my parents telling me it was normal to be foolish during middle school. It had become a little infuriating cycle at this point. I gain hope, I try my best, then I lose hope. Many times, I've made myself vulnerable in front of Myuu and felt ashame of it. Now I've done it to a complete stranger too.
I would forget everything the next day and continue on this worthless journey to be the ideal magical girl. I can question my own ideals and cry as much as I want, struggle and crawl on the ground while howling to the world what ideal meant and why it wouldn't grant me my wish. I could keep continuing like this for the rest of my life, get consumed into a shameful loop and suffer fruitlessly.
That was why some coddling no longer work. In this case, I was thankful Alcide was here instead of Myuu. To break me out of this loop. To break this relentless suffering with cold reality. Yes, she was my enemy before, yet she had gifted an undeniable warmth. How ludicrous it was to be saved by her. Most of all, her most important words that she parted to me today.
"Do you actually think you have reached the limit of your power?"
I had only been running away. All of my past behaviour, that was me denying my own weakness. As such I couldn't move past it. If I keep denying my own faults, how will I ever correct them and get stronger? It was all clearer to me now than the pristine waters of the ocean. I. Am. Weak. I have much to be desired for. My combat ability is flawed, relying on brawns and strength. It was fundamentally harmful and wasteful. My way of fighting was full of holes and exceedingly simple, that was why fights were getting harder no matter how much I trained. Because even if my body gets stronger, my mind stays stagnant.
Hand to hand combat, grappling, boxing, martial arts. I have yet to dive into any of those. I was truly a muscle brain. Ah... How can the ideal magical girl be a muscle brain?! Maybe that was where I was wrong from the start. Everyone was right in saying that I have not reached the peak of my own potential yet. Not only physical techniques but also magical techniques.
I headed back into the building, some gazes of suspicion and other gazes of curiosity fell on me. The air turned cold as if hail was coming but some people still had expressions of warmth. Maybe it was the smile on my face, ah.... I hope they don't notice how puffy my eyes got from the crying. They should look roughly the same as normal, if someone could tell I recently cried I wouldn't know how they deduced it. In any case, I ignored the looks of the employees as I confidently strolled into their boss's office.
' Vice-Commander Palmicia' , it was a temporary signboard on one of the actually enclosed offices, packed with its personal desk, chair and fan. The rest of the office was connected with a super large balcony, so it was semi-outdoors kind of an office. Only the Vice-commander's here could be counted as indoor. There were other enclosed offices but those weren't in use. They might be reserved for the other higher ups in the Rising Knight Order.
"So? What did you come here for after talking with Alcide? You even have a big smile on your face.... Well, it beats your gloomy one any day. Haha!" (Palmicia)
Her mint green hair was strewn all over the spine of her chair, her right leg folded over her left in a lax manner unbefitting of a superior... Her arms seemed to be laying on the table as well, showing her guard being lowered. Maybe it was her confidence or some other reason I didn't care to know, but she didn't suspect if I was planning on betraying her or not even after talking to Alcide for a while on the rooftop. But I was in a good mood right now, I didn't care if anyone outside was suspicious of me or whatever. So I layed my selfishness on the table for all to see.
"Yo.... New boss, if I call you master would you train me in hand to hand combat? Or perhaps magical techniques that aren't comprise of only radar and Oblivion Magia?"