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"Hmm."
The woman's voice sounds displeased but her face shows no emotion. But then again, it's hard to tell with her artificial lips and those big scars on her cheek and forehead.
The unnaturally greyish teint further underlines her body's state.
She is dead.
Slowly chewing her gum, the woman's eyes wander over the screen in front of her.
"Hmm."
"What?"
She doesn't look at me, she is glued to the computer. It reminds me of Alex playing Minesweeper on our dad's laptop years ago. He has always loved old games. I've never shared that passion.
"Your KP balance doesn't look too good."
"My what?"
She ignores the question.
"I'll need to check if I have the right account in front of me. Please confirm the following information. Your name is Parker Jones."
"Yes."
"Your birthday is September 7th, 1998."
"Yes."
"You died yesterday, May 25th 2021 due to alcohol poisoning."
"Yes."
Or at least that's what the receptionist told me when I had woken up about an hour ago inside what seemed to be a modern office.
Last thing I remember was partying with my friends at the lake so when I first saw the bright lights I assumed I had been admitted to the ER.
A rehab clinic wouldn't have surprised me either. Damn, even military camp for all I know.
But an office building?
Maybe it was my new surroundings. Maybe it was the receptionist's strong lisp. But it had taken me a while before I was finally able to process her words.
I am dead.
But before I could ask any further questions - and I had a lot - I was forced to pull a number and take a seat because a line of a dozen new dead people had already been forming behind me.
The woman sighs, her light blue painted nails tap onto the desk with that typical white girl rhythm. Aka none.
"Good news is, you're eligible for salvation."
"Okay?"
"But like I said, your KP balance isn't sufficient."
"I still don't know what that means."
The woman pulls out a plastic folder from one of the drawers and puts it on the table in front of me. She flicks through the laminated pages and then takes a black pen to point me through the images, tables and graphs.
"During life on Earth every human collects karma points. After they have died they can use those points to buy the Standard Salvation Pass. The pass costs 20.000. But according to your account in my database, I'm afraid you don't have enough KP."
"How many do I have?"
Her blue eyes look at the screen again. She raises an eyebrow.
"12."
"12?"
The blonde woman clears her throat.
"Mister Jones, according to my data you haven't been the most affable human during your time on Earth. Karma points are being earned by doing good things and being diligent. The greater the deed, the more points. But according to your file you have lost a lot of points through unfavorable actions such as smoking weed on school grounds, plenty of cases of arson, breaking up with your pregnant girlfriend and bullying several of your peers."
"Wait, she was pregnant? I didn't know that..."
She lazily flaps her hand around as to shoo away a mosquito but it's probably to tell me that she doesn't want to hear it.
The fact that this stranger seems to know everything about me and even more sends a shiver down my spine. Who keeps track of all this? Did I have a guardian angel that looked over me 24/7 but instead of protecting me they were a dirty snitch?
"But that's it? Weed is f*cking harmless and those tiny fires didn't hurt anyone, we just did that for fun. That's it. There are people who literally kill and torture! Where are they, huh?"
"In hell."
The woman presses her inflated rubber lips together as I sink back into my chair and cross my arms.
"So if bad people go to hell, how come I don't? Since I'm apparently such an awful human being."
For the first time the woman looks me right in the eyes and raises an eyebrow.
"Do you want to go to hell? I could organize that."
My heart stops for a second (or at least it would, was it still beating).
"No, no, no. I'm just wondering how I'm eligible for uhm...salvation if I, according to your obviously faulty data, was a karma catastrophe."
"Only humans with a negative KP balance go to hell so you got lucky."
Damn. Only 13 points between me and Satan. Honestly, I'm a bit proud of that.
"So what happens now?"
She grabs the pen again and starts pointing at another infographic. "You can still earn KP by improving your karma. Your soul will stay on Earth until you've met the required balance. Then you can buy the Standard Salvation Pass and move on to your afterlife."
Hearing those words, I want to throw up. Stay on earth? No. Definitely not.
"Okay listen..." I lean forward to read her laminated name tag.
"Listen, Karen. This is not an option. I will not stay on Earth any longer. I'm done with f*cking life. Just give me that pass, I'll earn the points in my afterlife and pay them back."
Karen seems unimpressed. "I'm afraid, Mr. Jones, that this is not possible. You only have two options. Either you stay and earn the points you need."
"Or?"
"Or you can go to hell."
"But-"
She cuts me off and takes out a clipboard.
"Please fill in your personal information and sign at the bottom. In a second one of my colleagues will pick you up and prepare you for your trip. Please note that you will lose your human form and turn into a spirit. You can buy a new body in our KP Shop. They are basically human-like robots which will let you disguise yourself as a human and walk on Earth. Normally people in your position have enough points to buy the Starter Body right away but looking at your balance..." She pops her tongue. "You will need to stay a soul for a while."
She puts a black device in front of me. "This is your personal phone. It's a normal human phone but it has got the Afterlife app installed on it. You can use it to enter our shop and check your point balance. It also contains a few useful video tutorials on how to earn KP. Any more questions?"
I just stare at her in disbelief.
Is this really happening?
I've never believed in ghosts and now I'm about to turn into one myself? Stuck on f*cking Earth?
Where is the hidden camera?
"No questions? Cute. Please fill in the form and my colleague will be with you right away."
Karen picks up her phone and puts in a number. My mouth is still open. What is going on here?
"Hey Herb, there's a new one for you. Yeah. Just drop him off at an easy job first. He'll need some..." Karen side-eyes me for a second, her gaze being nothing but judgmental. "...time to adjust."
A few minutes later, a corpulent man steps into the room. His hair is short and spiky and he is rocking a not-so-well-groomed goatee.
He smiles at me.
"Parker Jones? Alright, let's go."
I do as he tells me and together we walk out of the office and down the hallway.
I try to peek through some of the half-opened doors but can't I see anything except for desks and fake plants.
"So, you died?"
"Yeah."
"And now you want to be a spirit?"
"I don't have a choice, do I?"
He laughs warmly. "Not really, but I'm sure you'll like it. And if you do a good job, you'll be faster in heaven than you can say 'beans on toast'."
"Why beans on toast?"
Herb shrugs his shoulders. "I don't know, I used to like that when I was alive."
"So you're dead? Like Karen?"
I try to look for an indicator, maybe a patch of fluorescent skin. But Herb looks like a regular human. Lively as one can be.
"Everyone at Afterlife is. Anyway..."
He stops in front of a heavy metal door and turns around to me.
"I have prepared your transfer. Do you need a minute to say goodbye to your body? Remember, you'll never see it again."
So this is really happening, huh?
I look down at myself, then I shake my head.
"Nah, I'm ready. Beam me up, Scotty."
Herb laughs. "That's the spirit." And he opens the door.