"No!"
I suddenly let that out.
Kunimi could see my crestfallen face. She was worried.
"Harumi, calm down."
She was trying to console me.
"No, you mustn't. Please, don't."
Why am I so concerned about this. Why am I telling her not to?
"Cut the crap, what's with you? She just said she likes him, she's not taking him away or anything. Why are you so worried?"
She continued.
" You know, you've been acting different ever since you met him. Did that kiss make you lose yourself? Do you seriously like him? That's so lame!"
"Shut up!"
That was what I wanted to say, but hearing that from Kunimi was surprising.
"Asami, you're crossing the line. Please leave."
"Huh?! But..."
"I said leave."
She was serious.
"Fine! Do as you please so."
She just stormed away.
"Why?"
Before I could say anything, she hugged me tightly.
"Harumi, calm down, it's all right."
"No, that's not..."
"Harumi!"
We just like that for some time. A lot was running through my head. Just when I thought I will remain as his elder sister, why am I so uncomfortable with this? I was happy for him back then right. I cried because I was happy right? Then why? I can't understand anything. I stopped thinking about it after some time, and slowly we pulled from each other.
"I'm sorry, I didn't know what was going on with me. I must have worried you."
"I understand Harumi."
Kunimi was looking at me with her gentle and comforting eyes, it felt like I was talking to someone mature and dependable, but more than so, it looked like those eyes meant what they said.
"You don't want anyone else to have him, and you want to protect him, and never let him get hurt. Isn't that it?"
"Wait, how...?"
"We were there, during that incident. I knew it when I saw you, when you both kissed, there was passion, but more than that, it felt like everything else around you was fading away to grey. You didn't want it to end right? You wanted time to freeze."
"No, that's not it..."
"You can't keep lying to yourself. If you keep continuing on this..."
"Stop it. It's not like that!"
"Then why are you crying?"
"Huh?"
She's...She's right. I could feel those warm tears running down my cheeks. It can't be. I can't be crying.
"Look, Harumi. I've known you for a while now. You've been there for me when I need you the most, from a caring and protective friend to a shoulder to cry upon. And all this while, I've been watching you. I know you. You've always been a detached soul from this world, if I had to summarize it up in one sentence. But when you met him, for the first time, it felt like you were alive and wanted to live on."
She placed her gentle hand on mine.
"I lied when I said I liked him, and it's not just him. I don't like anyone in particular. I have a brother, and he's my world right now, and I am his. Our parents have never cared for us, as they were busy with their own lives, sometimes quarreling, sometimes cheating with another colleague, and doing all the messed up shit. We've had to be there for each other. And we've been living separately from our parents for the last 3 years, ever since I started high school. We go to part-time jobs together, and pay our bills, do the grocery and other stuff. We both have always had each other's back, and are always present and share each other's suffering."
I listened on, as this was the first time I ever heard of it. I always that she was a sensitive and delicate girl but turns out it was more than that. I was a fool to just drag her around into my mess. I feel guilty and ashamed.
She sighed.
"But you know, sometimes, I have this feeling. Why? Why did he have to be siblings? Why did we have to be related by blood? Should I be happy that we're brother and sister, or should I be heartbroken about it. What if we weren't? Would things have been different?"
She was letting out her pain, and I was able to understand it. I and Nao, we're almost similar in that regard.
"I know you might be wondering what I'm onto. What I'm trying to say is, if you think that the feelings you have for him are of a big sister's for her little brother, then you're wrong. Because I'm an elder sister who loves her brother. So I can tell from the way you look at him and how you reacted when I said I like him, no elder sister would ever say or react like that. This multitude of emotions you have for one person, you can't just easily define it, and that's not wrong at all. Because that's..."
She pulled me close and placed my head on her chest.
"LOVE!"
She said something, that I was desperately trying to deny. I knew it. All this time, and yet, here I am. I started to cry without holding back. I wanted to let a lot off my chest, and all this while, she was patting me gently. How lucky am I? To have met her. I wondered.
"You can't keep this on forever."
I looked at her.
"There'll be a time when all of this will end, and you will never see him again."
Her words pierced me.
The thought of Nao disappearing startled me, so much so that I pulled back myself.
"Why...Why do you say it in such a way that you know it's going to happen?"
She looked at me, as tears started to roll out from her eyes, even if she was trying to smile.
"Because it's inevitable."
I couldn't grasp a thing she just said.
"My brother's going to run away after his graduation. He's going to disappear, and make sure that he's never going to be a part of my life again. Even though I know this, there's...there's nothing I can do, except for cherishing the remaining days I have with him."
She broke down completely.
How much was she enduring?
I just couldn't handle the thought of Nao disappearing again. But she, on the other hand, how? How could she have handled the thought of her brother disappearing on her, accept that and just countdown the remaining days and cherish the time she has with him and remain happy, just like that? That's hideous. It's beyond cruelty.
"At first I was fine with it, but lately, as each day passes by, it's suffocating me. I can't handle the thought of my carefree brother, sitting in front of the TV, while I'm cooking his favorite meal, suddenly disappear, and leave me all alone in that space. It feels too big, and the silence scares me, almost as if I can't hear my own voice."
"But why? Why is he going to leave you, after all, you've been through?"
It just didn't make any sense. Why did he have to abandon her? What was the need for such a drastic step? It's just beyond any sense.
"BECAUSE...HE LOVES ME!"
I couldn't tell anything. I really couldn't. What can I even do? I was so powerless.
"And it's because of that, he's going to leave me behind so that he would never bother me, and I can forget him and move on, no, that's not right, I'll be forced to forget him and move on. Isn't it funny? Just when we thought we both were each other's world, we just realized this cruel reality, that we can never be anything more?."
We just stayed like that, for a while, as the silence began to echo out louder and louder. It felt like an eternity. I was just too useless to even console her. Even if I was the only one who knew about this. How pathetic I am!
She calmed down, and after a while, took a deep breath, and tried to break about a smile.
"When I first saw Naofumi, I was frightened. I felt a scary vibe, and it gave me a perspective of the world he resided in. My vision was blurted out, as soon as I entered that world as if everything turned pitch black and was swallowed by darkness, as there was neither an end nor a beginning. At the center of it, was Naofumi, with cold lifeless eyes, lying motionless and just locked up inside that infinite world. I wanted to run away as soon as possible, after entering that world, and before I knew it, I was out."
She got up from the bench and dusted herself.
A gust of strong wind blew past as I was facing her back.
"I don't have anything to back me up, but it's just my feeling, and it's a familiar one."
She carried on without even looking at me.
"Naofumi's the type of person who lives in solitude. That is his world and he will protect it at every cost. The closer you try to get to him, the further he gets away from you. And then, one day..."
She turned around, as her eyes grew colder, in contrast to her warm and gentle eyes. It was frightening, as the gust of wind blew her hair and the sight of her silhouette, surrounded by the dark grey clouds giving out string winds, froze me at my place.
"HE WILL DISAPPEAR AND FADE AWAY INTO THAT DARKNESS!"