An endless world of darkness.
A world with no beginning or end.
The closer I get, the further I am away.
How much longer do I have left?
"DISAPPEAR! DISAPPEAR! DISAPPEAR!..."
I couldn't think about anything else.
I want to see him right now. I want to be with him right now. I want to hold him tight and never let go of him. Ever! But, I can't, 'cause that's where it all went wrong in the first place. And now, he's like a mirage. I don't even know what's real anymore. These are things that I know, and yet I can't do a thing. I feel weak, pathetic, and just ashamed of myself. I couldn't even accept my own feelings until now, and I owe it all to her.
The girl standing in front of me, with the pitch dark clouds behind her, dropping the temperature, is synonymous with the cold glare she's giving me. Shivers ran down my spine, as I've never seen this side of her. We all have a hidden self, but why do we hide it? Are we afraid of being denied for who we are? Or are we protecting someone else, by locking it up in the labyrinth of endless darkness? Right now, I couldn't think of anything else, after what I've just heard. Everything she said, it felt as if she was there, alongside us, watching us carefully.
But words just wouldn't come out. What do I even do?
"I wish I were you. I really do."
I looked up at her. She said that as she meant it.
"If I were you...Then, I never...I could..."
Even if I could understand her feelings, there's nothing I can say that can console her, nor take upon action, because it's something irreversible, and something that can never be tampered with. From being abandoned by your parents, to just living with, and for one person, love that person unconditionally, and to face with the reality that there's an expiry date for this relationship, and having to accept it, and sleep each day with the worry that this might be the last day you're with them, and later wake up in the morning with fear, of the fact that that person has disappeared, it's the worst thing ever. Even death wouldn't hurt this much.
"It's not as simple as that."
I had to refute her take at this point before she succumbs to this pain. It has taken a toll on her, and she can't keep going alone any longer.
"If only you had been in my place...If only..."
It was hard to carry this on, but I need to.
" If only you were in my place and had protected him, maybe then, things would have been different."
I clenched my fist as I saw her in the eye while letting out my tears.
"Every time I see him, more than love, I have regrets. If only I never lost him, he would have been clinging onto me even now, and I wouldn't have let him out of my sight."
How stupid am I? How can I even try to express it in mere words? The feeling that I've always kept to myself. It's pathetic.
"I wanted to remain by his side forever, and yet, here we are. I've lost him, and he's a completely different person. I tried. I kept on trying. But, I just couldn't."
The droplets of rain showered on us, while I fell on my knees.
"I wanted to be with him, like how my mom was to my dad. Even when everyone considered me a prodigy and asked me what I wanted to be when I was an adult, and would often force their own opinion, deep down, I always knew the answer. I wanted to be his wife, and I wanted us to be a happy, married couple. I WANTED TO BE A BRIDE! HIS BRIDE!"
Not a day, not a moment had I forgotten it. Somewhere down the line, I wanted to lock it away, and just throw it into a labyrinth of endless darkness filled within me, run away from it, and in that pursuit, I tried many things, and ended up as a whore, so that it would keep me away from that truth. But in the end, it turned out to be too much for me to handle. I couldn't keep up that act. I am the worst!
The cold rain struck my body, as I felt like an empty vessel after I let it all out. It felt like I was as light as the air surrounding me. It was a weird feeling to have. Is that what Nao feels? This mysterious feeling? I wondered.
Kunimi started moving towards me. But at that point, I wasn't even aware of my surroundings clearly. She went down on her knees and just pulled me close to her, and lay me on her chest. There was a sense of warmth I never felt before. No, that's not it. This warmth was always present, but it's just I never noticed it because I was too self-conscious about myself. I was putting all these superficial bonds and feelings first, over what I really felt. I was playing a character that I never really could, and even when it's all over, I still haven't let go of it fully.
"Was that hard?"
She just whispered softly into my ears.
"Yes!"
My grip on her body tightened.
"Why?... Why did you go that far?"
I wanted to know her, understand her and help her. But, wasn't this just the opposite?
"Because you're just like me, and maybe, just maybe, I didn't want you to walk the same path as I did."
Her voice was filled with a sorrowful tone, and yet, it had a gentle touch, that erased that feeling.
"You don't have to be with him until the end, because you can never be with him. Not you, nor anyone else. Even he wanted, he could never have anyone by his side, because that's the kind of person he is. In a way, it's a curse. And of the worst kind. And it's something that's tangled with the chain of fate"
I couldn't accept it blatantly.
"But there has to be something I can do!"
There should be something I can do. If I can't run away from him, then there has to be an alternative. I just can't stop.
"There is."
I looked at her, with eyes that were looking for the radiating hope.
"Don't hold back yourself anymore. Even if it's for a lost cause."
That wasn't what I was hoping for. You got to be kidding me.
"But..."
"There's one thing that you and I don't have in common. You both are not siblings."
"That's..."
We are not siblings. Yes, that's true. But still, that doesn't change anything.
"It doesn't change anything...does it?"
She just read my mind, is she an esper?
"It doesn't need to. But as long as you don't hold back, and have regrets, it's a big difference."
She was saying everything so effortlessly, yet I felt deep down, she was hurting herself while telling me all those stuff.
"Then what about you?"
"What about me?"
"Are you alright...with the situation with your brother? He is leaving you, right? Doesn't that pain you?"
She just smirked, and let out a sigh.
"It was my choice to love him, and it is his choice to leave me, irrespective of whether it's for my happiness or society's acceptance."
"Then, will you just accept it?"
She avoided me and looked at the dark sky.
"Sometimes, I would just hope that those scumbags of parents were actually never loyal from the start, and they would reveal someday that we are not siblings related by blood or even half-siblings. You can't even imagine the joy I felt just thinking about it. But that wouldn't change anything. I have to accept it, we both do, and he's already through on his end."
"But then he'll run away?"
I was sounding more anxious, while she was calm for some reason. It was weird, and scary at the same time.
"Yes, he will. That's inevitable."
I was clenching my fist as I looking down at the ground, refusing to accept it.
"Won't...Won't you feel lonely?"
I looked at her, as I felt this nostalgic feeling when I lost Nao. It was as if I was looking at myself. Maybe, even I didn't want her to tread the same path.
"Hmm...I would, but not much."
"Huh? But you love him right!"
"Yes, I do."
"Then how can you not feel lonely when he's deserting you!"
I was at the top of my voice. I just couldn't accept it. Though a part of me knew that she wouldn't accept it. Maybe, I was hoping that.
She took a deep breath and sighed, but waited for a moment, so that I could calm down, and think clearly.
" He's leaving me. I never said anything about I'm leaving him."
"That doesn't make sense. If he's leaving you..."
I knew it.
"I'm not leaving him. If he's running away from me, then I will follow him. Even if it's a place far away, I'm never letting him go away from me, even if it means I'll have to play dirty..."
"You're a fool to bother about what the society judges are wrong, taboo, and forbidden. Everyone has different circumstances, and no two people have the same life, however similar their life is when taken from a broad perspective. If this society can't accept it, then there's no reason why I must be a part of this society."
"I LOVE HIM!"
"I love him so much that even now, even when I'm with my close friend, all I can think about is, just him. There's no way I can live alone, even for a moment. I'm so attached to him. That's why..."
She didn't go on any further. She didn't need to. It was evident, from what she has just said.
Would I go that far? Will I chase Nao, even if it's till the end of the world, or even beyond that?
In the end, we're two high schoolers talking about how we love our brothers, we actually love them, as a man. [like a sibling, in my case].
"Anyway, that's it for now. I would like to go back soon. I miss that idiot."
She didn't waste any time, as she lifted me up, and proceeded to take her bag.
"Thanks! How much ever I say it, it's never going to repay for what you've done."
"You can't thank me yet. Not until everything's over. I'm watching you."
She took two fingers and pointed that towards her eyes, and then towards mine. That was a statement. And she started walking away while nodding her head, and humming a tune, as she became one with the fog from the dense rain surrounding us. I lost sight of her.
AS SHE FADED AWAY.
THANK YOU!