How did we end up here?
A recurring question we often ask ourselves and find looking back on every step we've taken to get here. Sometimes even ponder on what if's? And almost, sometimes even think if we could travel back in time, and amend some stuff, or just change the past.
But if I had that power, would I pull the trigger and change the past? What would I change? Why would I change it? And would I remember this timeline then?
I'm not sure if I possess a 'Reading Steiner', even though I feel it's present in every living creature, just we don't know how to tap that hidden power. Only one person could fully tap into it.
Okabe Rintaro!
'Hyouin Kyouma!'
'The Mad Scientist!'
But I've seen that path, and that just proves the point that tampering of time, is equal to an infinite amount of suffering. Would I break down? Who would be my Mayuri? Who's that person who'll give out a cute 'Tuu Tuu Ruu!"?
I pondered on those thoughts. Speaking of which, it's been quite a while since I've heard of 'Hacking to the Gate!'
Not good, I'm going on a tangent!
Well, for someone like me who barely gets excited and rarely gets a feeling of wanting for more, this was certainly one among them.
'Stein's Gate!'
I'll leave it there. Anyway, what led me to these deep thoughts?
Well, I would like to owe this pleasure to the woman in front of me, for pulling off a ridiculous and outlandish stunt.
Sometimes, I just think what my life would have been, had I never met Rinko-san and Yuki-nee. I assume that they would be much happier and at ease, having dinner every night as a family, being a prodigy, respected and be adored by all, and being the pride and joy of many of her peers. There's a lot I would like to believe in, and even more to think about.
But I often find myself feeling sorry. I mean, I know it's pointless to look back on and yet, and yet, I always think on what if's? Maybe, if I had a chance to change something in the past, I think I'd go to the time when I was born, or when I was 5. Preferably the former. Why that specific? Well, it's simple. I would have erased myself from existence.
Think about it. I've had my own mother disown me and almost make her a murderer. Both Rinko-san and my mother are not on speaking terms. Yuki-nee has had it the worst. From a renowned prodigy to new a person befitting of being referred to a dominatrix than a whore or a slut. Plus add in the fact that she and Sakura are not how they used to be, and how their family's split now. When I say that her family split, I don't mean it in a literal sense. It's more of a crack in the glass. They all live under the same roof, nobody's having an affair. It's just they are not on speaking terms. Well you would be thinking, the last part is common in some households, so it's not strange, right?
No, it's not! 3 YEARS!
It may not be much, but 3 years is not the same for everyone. For someone who's busy with their lives or living on cloud nine, it definitely feels like a few days. But if it's for a person who knows that their time's almost up, every second of it feels like an eternity. Sometimes, it's the opposite. A sick person on the death bed can feel 3 years as just a few hours, in terms of how much they want for more, while a happy or busy person feels like he has a lot of time to make up.
There are things you can only do now, things you can only express now, memories you can only make now. Time waits for no one, and bad things never wait for your consent. They just hit you so bad, that often wonder, why am I still alive?
Just try to imagine this. What if in these 3 years, Doctor Harumi got into drinking because of how things turned out and turned into a drunkard that jeopardized his career. Or what if Rinko-san actually was into adultery? And, Yuki-nee actually screwing up in one of her wild adventures and actually getting knocked up while being a teen? A teen mom! When you think about stuff that could go wrong, it's only obvious that they are walking on a tightrope, and it's all good for now. But how long can this go on?
And when you think about the catalyst for this outcome, it's even more resounding that my thinking isn't wrong. At the end of the day, everything boils down to this simple fact. There are two kinds of humans.
One that wants to be remembered and the other that wants to be forgotten.
The former is always on top of the world, their glory and achievements well documented in history, while it's the latter that documents it.
I wouldn't say that's always the case.
And who am I? NEITHER!
I'm the type of person that wants his glory and achievements to be well documented, but the person to be anonymous.
Myth, Legend, Folklore, Tales, and others.
Whatever the format, the idea remains the same.
Why? You might be curious.
It's just like you're asked if you're a hero or a villain? A Protagonist or Antagonist?
I refer to myself as the anti-hero.
A Deuteragonist!
As for why? It's simple.
This body, this face, these relationships, they do not belong to me. I'm just a parasite that has occupied an empty vessel.
Every time I look in the mirror, I can only see him. I wonder how I look like? Every time someone embraces me or a girl kisses me, or if we take it even further, it's the body that absorbs everything. I never felt what it's like to be hugged, what it's like to kiss, or what it's like to be one with someone for a moment or even more than that. My soul could not feel anything.
Do I even have a soul? As I was saying...
I will forever be the second-in-line. As for the main protagonist, he's dead for a while now, and the antagonist is yet to rise. I'm the twilight!
I have no face, no shape, no voice, no sense, no feelings, I'm just a pitch-black shadow!
And I'm always caught up between two worlds.
The pitch cold dark world which I originate from, and the radiant and warm world this guy's from.
The overlapping of these two worlds has been nothing but a catastrophe for everyone that's been involved with me. I'm conscious of what's going on, but there are a few things that differ between seeing and feeling.
I can't change the past now. I can't change the person I am now.
And because of who I am, I know what it's like. 3 years is a long time. And nothing's permanent. Not even me. That's understandable, right? I mean there exists the possibility that Nao is actually inside a cocoon, healing himself, till he's ready to return.
Every day, I sleep with the thought that it's the last time I'm sleeping as me today, and I may not wake up the same tomorrow. That thought haunts me to date. Well, to be fair...,
I have no reason to live. And yet, I also have no reason to die!
To put it in simple words, I'm just like Ginko from Mushishi. If I stay at one place for a long period of time, I'm bound to cause trouble, irrespective of whether it was my intention.
Hurting others is inevitable. That's one of the fundamentals of what makes us humans, and that's what lays the foundation for human relationships. If you're afraid of hurting someone, and hold back yourself, you'll end up hurting yourself. You may be fine with that. But there will come a certain time when there will be a person who can't bear to see you in such a state, and that will pain them eventually. They want you to put yourself first, and live! I've seen it first hand. 'Source: Sakura.'
I wish I could be as cold-hearted as I could, like a cynical villain, who just uses people as his tools and discards them away, once his target has been accomplished. But truth be told, I'm not so keen on human interactions. I'm a misanthrope. So I couldn't bother about how others feel, what they want, and other pesky little stuff. It's due to that lack of interest that I don't seem to put enough effort into stuff, and that gives them a feeling that I don't mean it.
'Yo, partner! Been a while.'
'So, you finally show up.'
'Seems like you're in a pinch, want to trade places?'
'Why would I?'
'Hmmm...Let's see, with things as it is, they'll keep latching onto you, and as it progresses they'll eventually burn themselves to ashes because that's what you are. You are the Sun, and they are Icarus. Let me rephrase it. You are the Dark Sun!'
'Why should I bother? And why do I need to heed to your words? You're just a voice in my head.'
'That's true, and yet...'
Hey, what's that I can't hear you. Hello?!
'Nevertheless, it's your call. I'm sure after the alternate realities you've just thought of, you wouldn't want to involve with them any further. So let's compromise. You give me 5 minutes of your body, and I'll make sure to end things well.'
'Why do I feel like this isn't the first time?'
'Why indeed? I do wonder...'
As I am right now, I'm living in a world without an end or a beginning. No one can ever enter this world. And I haven't fully accepted myself. I haven't fully understood who I am. And I wouldn't find it any time soon. I'm just a curse, and I must free them from their sufferings. These facts alone give enough weight that I mustn't go beyond here. I mustn't cross the line and go to the point of no return.
Is this the voice everyone hears inside their head? Is this the demon? Or...Am I the demon?!
As I was thinking about that, I suddenly snapped back to reality and saw that Yuki-nee was earnestly waiting for my reply, with a sense of anxiety and nervousness. Her pupils dilated. She was fidgeting for the answer. All these signs were proof that she was serious. And why is there an uneasy feeling in my chest? Like it wants to do something?
I wonder which Nao was she looking at? Me or the guy she lost?
Yeah, that's the main thing. If I chose to be with them, the feeling of guilt and debt will always be greater than love, and that implies the same for them. Every time they see me, I can tell they see two people in one body, and that's why their feelings are unsettling. Over time, that would be a slow poison.
'Can I ask you something?'
'What?'
Now that I have noticed, this tone was very deep and yet powerful, that it can make anyone kneel down while sending a shiver down to their spine.
'Why are you asking my consent?'
'Is that how you understood this?'
'That's how it sounds like.'
He smirked and then let out a laugh.
Ok stop it, I ain't that dumb, but from what I have seen, this voice was full of confidence and ego.
'Oi, let me tell you this. I wasn't asking you. That was a trade offer!'
'Trade offer?!'
'We both don't have enough time for these details.'
'Wait! This is just a hallucination isn't it?'
'It is! Is it? HA HA HA....'
I can't remember what happened. I pressed my eyes slowly with my fingers. I could feel a strong jolt at the back of my head. It was painful. I put both my hands on my head and bent down for a bit and after a while raised it, and something caught me off-guard. Yuki-nee burst into relentless tears, but at the same time, she was fixated on me with her eyes.
'WHO ARE YOU?'
'NO! WHAT ARE YOU?'