Two weeks have past and my mother is ecstatic. She dragged me to five different restaurants to eat and she hugged me twice every day. Touching still makes me uneasy but I bare it for her benefit. If I was honest with myself, I would know that it was making me unhappy, and if I was honest with her, I would tell her to stop. Every time she celebrates, it reminds me that she was unhappy the way I was before. Somehow, it felt as though I had just come home.
For the most part, I complain to Arian who always seems willing to talk to me no matter what he's doing. That, however, made me bitter against Nix, who had only texted me once since the promise he gave me. I did my best not to compare or judge him, but I felt this overwhelming hole in my chest from missing him. The distance from us became less metaphorical and more physical. Some days I could pass it off well and spend most of my time with Arian, Emily, and Eric, but the rest of the time I spent thinking about what I meant to him. It hurt that I didn't know.
Owen had visited my house a few times, which helped my mom feel as though I wasn't running around with the 'wrong crowd'. It quickly came apparent though that Owen wasn't much into talking, or anything in the matter. When he came over, we mostly sat in front of the TV in silence for a few hours before he excused himself to go home. Although I wasn't comfortable with talking to him about anything personal, it was nice just having some else with me.
A few times when I went out with my mom, I saw Owen and Wade together. Usually they were walking away with their backs turned towards us and their hands squeezed tightly around each other's fingers. Once, I saw them kiss outside of FATS, but they didn't see us then either. My mom said nothing when she saw them, but she never said anything against them either. It gave me hope that everything would be okay when I could finally tell her about me and Nix. Time, however, couldn't go fast enough.
It was at school that it hit me the worse. I was brave enough to sit with Nix and his friends at lunch every now and then, but he never held up a conversation with me for long, and whenever we were in the hallways, he never waved to me. In the classes he had with me, he never showed up, and I once used it as an excuse to go talk to him. When I first thought of the idea, it seemed smart until I had gathered all of his missing assignments and handed them to him.
"You missed a lot," I said lightly, hoping to spark some kind of smart remark from him, but instead he frowned.
"Did they ask you to give these to me?" he asked, and I was suddenly aware of my mistake.
"Um… No. I just thought I would get them for you since you haven't been in a while," I tried to reason, but I knew it wasn't good enough.
"Yeah, but now they're more aware of that and I could get in trouble," he said, and I knew I had angered it. It occurred to me that I never really made him mad before, and I felt ashamed. "Thanks but I'm not going to do all of this work. I skipped for a reason."
He left me hallway then and I was left feeling more alone than ever. Those moments and feelings were something I couldn't talk to Arian about, or anyone else. To tell someone would be to risk letting everyone about our relationship, and to do that would be to betray his trust. Those were feelings I had to deal with by myself.
I didn't deal with it well though. Like most bad thoughts and feelings, I just tried to forget them, but they always came back later, usually worse than before. I wondered a lot what I could have done to make him ignore me like he was, and I wondered about all the warnings people had given me. They had all said that he played around a lot, but I never listened. Nix told me that it was just rumors, but whenever I thought back to that, I always thought about how he got into my pants after that as well.
I didn't want to think negatively about him or to even half-way believe some of the things others were saying about him. All I wanted was to know him how I knew him to be, but lately that Nix was missing. Was it wrong of me to feel as though he was being taken from me? Whether I wanted to think about it or not, I realized how much more his friends meant than I originally thought. Then again, they knew nothing and it was really Nix that was separating us. Was it wrong for me to want to know why?
Many times I went over everything that I did, everything that I could have said to make him dislike me. I had asked him once if those were his true feelings, and every time he said that he loved me. However, all of those times were over text because I couldn't see him face-to-face.
"My friends think that we're too close," he said, and I fought to keep my mouth shut. 'Two of your friends are dating', I wanted to tell him. 'So what if your friends think that?' I wanted to yell. 'But don't you want to be closer to me?' I wanted to scream. But I couldn't, I wanted to keep him too.
The third week came quicker than I expected, and the weight of Nix's unfulfilled promise to come see me was holding me down. My sleep was regular, but my dreams were empty. Everything was starting to feel empty, and I felt the need to speak to him.
When the end of the week came and it was Friday, I found Nix outside with his friends before school. Without thinking too much in fear that I would turn back, I walked up to him even though he was talking to his friends. "Can we talk, please?" I asked interrupted him, and they all stared awkwardly at me. By his expressions, I could tell that he wanted to say no, but by doing that, it would look more like we were having a couple's feud.
He shrugged causally. "Sure, let's go," he said, and this time he let me lead him away from everyone else.
"Did something happen?" he asked, sounding irritated again. This time, I didn't let it hinder me.
"No, nothing's happened at all," I answered. "That's why I wanted to talk to you. I want to spend more time with you."
"Didn't I already explain this?" he sighed. "I can't. My friends are too suspicious and I don't want them to think that we're together."
"But we are together," I said a little more strongly that I meant to. "Don't you want to spend time with me too?"
He sighed again, rolling his eyes. "Listen, I really don't have time for this," he said, starting to back away. "Later, okay? I promise."
Nix started to leave then, but I moved in front of him before he could. "You promised me weeks ago that we would talk," I deflected, trying not to sound like I was going to cry. "You don't know hard had this is to always be wondering if I can text you or be with you or if you even like me. I need something, please."
"Then let's break up," he said without hesitation. "If it's bothering you so much, then it's easier just not to be together."
"What?" I said, shocked. "No, I-"
"Look, it's obviously not going to work between us," he said, moving past me as he talked. "We're both guys, how could it? Now you don't have to wonder so much."
And he left.