"I'm dead," he mutters so quietly that I almost didn't catch it. What could that possibly mean anyways?
"Dead?" I repeat, still uncertain of what he said. "No, you're not dead. You're fine; I promise you'll be-"
As I talk, his expression turns and I can't say anything else. I didn't realize that someone could look so tortured before. "Shit…" I muttered to myself, trying to think about what to do. Every time he made that expression, whether he was sitting by himself outside his house or when he was with his friends, it felt like someone had run me over. Please, don't look like that because of me.
Kace had calmed down, mostly, but I could tell it was only the beginning. He was paler than he had been any day that week, and even though I thought someone would notice, it was evident that no one had. Without asking I knew he wasn't eating. I had his friend once about his habits and only felt worse when he told me there wasn't any. As if it wasn't any worse, I hadn't seen him so tired since the day I met him.
But these feelings were nothing I could complain about. I let him go, and his health was nothing I had control over. Well, that wasn't completely true. It was because of me that most of this was happening.
"I'm taking him," I told his friend once I noticed that everyone was starting to make us a scene. The moment that the words left my mouth, I saw Kace panic, but I ignore it. I wasn't leaving room for negotiation.
"No! Don't-" he started to protest as I reached for him, but interrupted knowing that I might do whatever he said if he told me to.
"I already know," I said and even though he tried to get away when I touched him, he didn't resist after I had picked him up. His skin was colder than I thought it should be and I started to worry in my mind. Fuck, is he sick? I thought, but I couldn't do anything about it now, maybe not ever. I was completely useless to him.
"Wait, where are you taking him?" Arian asked me as I started to walk away. Kace wasn't saying anything, and I couldn't see his face at. Was he crying?
"I have to get some food in him," I answered, half way to myself. At least I had a plan then, instead of just driving around blind. It was easier to get out of the school when everyone was still trying to get in, and I was silently happy that I decided to come early today. Even though I didn't deserve it, I was glad to see him at least one more time.
Kace didn't say anything at all though. Even while I was driving he was completely silent. Every now and then I would look over to him to see if he was okay only to find him staring at me. What's wrong? I wanted to ask him, but I didn't have the right to. I shouldn't be able to even take him with me.
I pulled up to my house in full confidence that no one else would be there. My mom had her own car and took herself to work every morning, and her boyfriend had left a long time ago. It should been something I was happy about, but it was hard to be happy when I knew I left Kace like that. To me, it was weird that my feeling of guilt outweighed my feelings of loneliness.
Getting him into my house was whole other problem all together. I could tell by the way he heisted that he didn't want to be here, that he didn't want to be near me. As much as I hated that, I also understood. It took all my effort to avoid him so that he wouldn't have to see me, but sometimes it was impossible not to cross his path. Without meaning to, my eyes would hunt for him in a crowd and my legs would want to walk to him. But I could only stand by.
Once I managed to get him through the door, I instantly herded him to the kitchen. He sat at the table and looked around at everything like he was trying to absorb it all. "It's different in here," he said, his voice sounded almost injured. It suddenly became hard to swallow.
"My mom cleaned up a few weeks back," I explained as I fixed him some cereal. There wasn't really much else that I knew he would eat. "She picked up cleaning as her new hobby."
My words were light but Kace didn't smile at all, not even a little bit. Defeated, I walked back over to him and place the bowl on his side of the table. "Why are you doing this?" he asked without looking at me. I wished then that he would, just so I could see his expressions.
"Because you were having a spell in the hallway," I said simply, and he looked up at me then, hurt.
"Is that all?" he asked, and I wanted to tell him. Of course it wasn't all. Since five minutes after what I did I've wanted to go back to him, but I couldn't. To tell him any of that was selfish, so I didn't say anything at all.
Kace ate slowly then, but I could tell he wasn't tasting it. He was chewing the same amount each time before forcing himself to swallow. Seeing it was hard and couldn't help but to look away. All of this was my fault.
"I need you to sleep," I told him, and stopped eating to look up at me.
"You're taking me home," he said, but I knew he wanted it to be a question.
I shook my head and took his empty bowl to the sink. "If I take you home I won't be able to know that you actually slept."
When he nodded without arguing, my conscience sank lower. Even after everything that happened, he still trusted me. It was a bad idea to bring him; my plan was to make him get over me, not remind him of me. Without saying anything else to Kace, I led him into the living room and made sure he had everything settled before I went to my room. I was so stupid for thinking everything I did, for putting him last.
Instantly, I became angry with myself and kicked over a nightstand, watching my lamp fall to the floor. It wasn't satisfying though; nothing ever was. I fucked up more than I could ever dream of doing again, and I still messing everything up still.
"Are you alright?" I heard a voice say and I turned to see Kace standing in my doorway.
I sighed, cursing myself for making him get up. "Yeah, I'm sorry. I'll be quieter."
I thought that Kace would leave then and go back to sleep, but he depressed instead and came over to sit on my bed. Confused, I sat down beside him. "I can't sleep," he said quietly. "I… I have these dreams and I can't…"
His voice wavered as he started to cry I automatically pulled him close to me. Kace clung to me as he cried, forcing me to hold on to him. Something felt better about having him that close to me, even if he was upset. "I'm sorry I annoyed you," he said into my shirt and I held him tighter.
"You didn't annoy me," I almost laughed. To think that he could ever make me feel that way was more than impossible, but I could tell he didn't believe me. "I… I told them, you know. About us."
Kace looked up at me then, confused, and I continued. "A day after I told you that we should end it, I told them what you meant to me, and about our relationship. The funny thing is, they didn't even seem surprised. Wade and Owen were even-"
"Dating," he finished, shrugging. "I already knew."
I nodded, knowing that I should have known as well. I just wasn't looking. "Why didn't you ever tell me?" he asked, and I thought carefully before I said anything.
"Because I was right about something that day," I explained. "When I told you we should break up because you would be happier, I realized later how true that was. I messed up, a lot, but it was more than that. By then, I didn't deserve you. To go back and try to get you again would be wrong, selfish."
Kace thought for a minute then, so much that I thought he wasn't going to answer at all. But I wanted to know what he said, no matter what his answer was. My nerves where on edge. "You're right," he said. "You did mess up. And if I wanted, I could find someone who wouldn't keep me a secret or wouldn't ignore me for their friends."
My throat hitched, but I said nothing, only nodding in agreement. That was I thought originally, so I had no room to argue. I barely had enough footing for him to let me say it.
I pulled away from him, and leaned back to think, but his hands gripped my arms, and I was forced to turn back to him. "But," he continued, "How would I ever be happy if that person wasn't you?"
Suddenly I felt as though I was going to be the one crying but instead I was struggling to remember how to breathe. Without answering, I leaned over to him pressed my lips against his softly, only for a moment before I pulled away. His body shuttered as I leaned back, and his grip on me became tighter so that I couldn't move away. I wasn't going to go anywhere, though. "Please sleep for me," I begged him. "You look so tired its killing me. And you have to promise me that you'll eat."
Kace smiled then, and laughed, wiping his hand across his face. "Only if you lay down with me," he requested. "If I wake up and you're not there, I'll be convinced that none of this is real."
I nodded, and pulled him to me and I fell back, having him lay down beside me. His body was still cold, but soon after sticking closer to him, he started to get more color to his skin. I tried to think of something to say, something that I could do to tell him everything I wanted to know. That I was sorry, that I wouldn't leave him, and that I loved him, but nothing came to me. The only thing I could think about was him being with me, his skin on mine; something that shouldn't have been allowed. But I stayed close to him until we were one, together saying, don't touch me.